Shabbos

אֲמַר לֵיהּ רַבִּי לְרַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן חֲלַפְתָּא: מִפְּנֵי מָה לֹא הִקְבַּלְנוּ פָּנֶיךָ בָּרֶגֶל, כְּדֶרֶךְ שֶׁהִקְבִּילוּ אֲבוֹתַי לַאֲבוֹתֶיךָ? אֲמַר לֵיהּ: סְלָעִים נַעֲשׂוּ גְּבוֹהִים, קְרוֹבִים נַעֲשׂוּ רְחוֹקִים, מִשְׁתַּיִם נַעֲשׂוּ שָׁלֹשׁ, מֵשִׂים שָׁלוֹם בַּבַּיִת בָּטַל.

The Gemara again addresses old age: Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi said to Rabbi Shimon ben Ḥalafta: For what reason did we not greet you during the Festival the way that my fathers greeted your fathers? This was a polite way of asking Rabbi Shimon ben Ḥalafta why he had not come to visit Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi. He said to him: Because I have grown old, and the rocks on the road have become tall, and destinations that are near have become far away, and my two feet have been made into three with the addition of a cane, and that which brings peace to the house, namely, the sexual drive which motivates a couple to make peace, is no more.

for Video Shiur click here to listen:  Psychology of the DAF Shabbos 152

רש״׳ שם

משים שלום בבית - אבר תשמיש:

Niddah 31a-31b

ויהיו בני אולם אנשים גבורי חיל דורכי קשת ומרבים בנים ובני בנים וכי בידו של אדם להרבות בנים ובני בנים אלא מתוך שמשהין עצמן בבטן כדי שיזריעו נשותיהן תחלה שיהו בניהם זכרים מעלה עליהן הכתוב כאילו הם מרבים בנים ובני בנים והיינו דאמר רב קטינא יכולני לעשות כל בני זכרים אמר רבא הרוצה לעשות כל בניו זכרים יבעול וישנה

 

The rabbis did not have a word for female orgasm, but from the context and the Rashi below, we see that what they descriptively referred to as “the woman giving forth seed”, was the female orgasm.  They assumed that if a man gives forth seed at the climax of his pleasure, then the woman must be doing so as well at the height of her pleasure.  In some ways, it is not false, as the female orgasm is hypothesized to facilitate fertility in a variety of ways. See this study:  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5087695/

Rashi Ibid

שמשהין עצמן. מלהזריע: יכולני. שישהא עצמו מלהזריע: יבעול וישנה. שמתוך תאות בעילה ראשונה תהא מזרעת ונהי נמי דתזריע אחריו תקדום הזרעתה בבעילה שניה:

רמב״ם אישות טו:ז

״ולא יאנוס אותה ויבעול בעל כרחה אלא בדעתה ומתוך שיחה ושמחה.״

One should not engage in the act by force or against her will. Rather he should

engage with her consent, in a context of [loving] dialogue and joy.”

The source for Rambam’s formulation of “loving dialogue and joy” is apparently none

other than how Rav, the great Talmudic sage, was reported to conduct himself with his

wife

 

בברכות סב, א

רב כהנא על גנא תותיה פורייה דרב שמעיה דשח ושחק ועשה צרכיו אמר ליה דמי פומיה דאבא כדלא

שריף תבשילא

.א''ל כהנא הכא את פוק דלאו אורח ארעא אמר לו תורה היא וללמוד אני צריך

“Rav Kahana lay underneath Rav’s bed [in order to study from his master how he

comported himself in the bedroom]. He heard him speak, laugh, and engage in

relations. Rav Kahana exclaimed, ‘Abba conducts himself as a starving man

who has not eaten!’ Rav commanded, ‘Kahana, you are here? Leave, as this is

not proper conduct!’ Rav Kahana replied, ‘This is Torah and I feel compelled to

study it.’”

Providing sexual pleasure adequately takes communication, time and practice. A common source of distress in marriage is premature ejaculation.  Sexuality is an important drive and instinct.  If a spouse is not interested in sexuality, this is a symptom of a problem.  It could be trauma, it could be lack of emotional intimacy or sometimes it is giving up on sex because of being frustrated in npt experiencing orgasm or feeling too much pressure to perform.

Premature ejaculaiton is a common problem, though with correct intervention, completely repairable.  Men believe that they cannot control their ejaculation when actually with the proper training and mindfulness they can learn to notice the inner processes, glands, arousal levels, blood flow etc to control arousal and ejaculation.  A man can even learn to have multiple orgasms without ejaculation.  Think of it like toilet training:  If you lived on a planet where no one knew they could learn to control their bladder and sphincter it would seem odd if someone told you one day you can learn to control it.  But actually it is possible through proper technique.

You can learn more on my youtube playlist the chosson and kallah shmooze you wish you had but never got:   https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL91n61VdM7j6VANWGmYc_2vBWKH5C3QJQ

See this study as well:

Background

Premature ejaculation (PE) is a common sexual dysfunction among men which affects men and their partners. Little qualitative data are available to characterize the impact of PE on men and their partners about ejaculatory control, sexual satisfaction, emotional distress and relationships. The objective of this study was to assess the impact of PE from the perspective of men with PE and the female partners of men with PE on their sexual experience, distress and relationships.

Methods

Qualitative data were collected through 14 focus groups in the US and through one-on-one interviews in the US, UK, Italy, France, Germany, and Poland. Study participants included heterosexual men with PE and female partners of males with PE. All participants were asked about how PE affects their daily life, including emotional impacts. One-on-one interviews also included obtaining feedback on the male and female versions of 4-single item measures of PE focusing on ejaculatory control, satisfaction with intercourse, interpersonal distress, and relationship difficulty.

Results

Participants included 172 males with PE and 67 female partners of men with PE. Lack of control over ejaculation and dissatisfaction with intercourse emerged as central themes of PE. Lack of ejaculatory control resulted in greater dissatisfaction and greater emotional distress, including feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, and anxiety. Continued PE ultimately leads to greater problems with partners and often disrupts partner relationships. Participants indicated that PE was keeping them from attaining complete intimacy in their relationships even when their partners were generally satisfied with sexual intercourse. Impacts of PE on sexual satisfaction, emotional distress and partner relationships were consistent across countries. Feedback on the single-item PE measures confirmed relevance of the item content and further confirmed major themes identified from the qualitative data.

Conclusion

This qualitative study provides valuable insights on the substantial psychosocial burden of PE in the US and the Europe. Lack of control over ejaculation resulted in dissatisfaction with intercourse and increased emotional distress, and wide-ranging impact for both men with PE and their partners of men with PE. Data collected in this study may help inform the content of new patient reported measures for use in PE research.

Source: Revicki D, Howard K, Hanlon J, Mannix S, Greene A, Rothman M. Characterizing the burden of premature ejaculation from a patient and partner perspective: a multi-country qualitative analysis. Health Qual Life Outcomes. 2008;6:33. Published 2008 May 12. doi:10.1186/1477-7525-6-33

for Video Shiur click here to listen:  Psychology of the DAF Shabbos 152

Translations Courtesy of Sefaria