Can A marriage recover after infidelity? Few betrayals equals a betrayal of a spouse who committed sexual infidelity. Often, aside from the obvious feeling of betrayal, there is a sense of victimization, humiliation, gaslighting, and self-recrimination that make it difficult to recover.
The Gemara on amud aleph quotes the verse in Esther (7:8) הֲגַם לִכְבּוֹשׁ אֶת הַמַּלְכָּה עִמִּי בַּבָּיִת״ Will he even force the queen before me in the house?
In the verse, while Haman is kneeling by Esther begging for his life, possibly a bit too vigorously, Achashverosh comes back into the room, and in a rage accuses him of attempting to molest the Queen.
Given that these segments are called psychology of the Daf, here is the place where we discuss things that are sometimes difficult to face. Infidelity is unfortunately an occurrence in the frum community, amongst men and women. The Rambam (Issure Biah 22:17-20) informs us of several truths about sexual immorality:
- There is no prohibition in the Torah that presents a greater struggle than sexual restraint.
- Furthermore, every community in every time and locale, will have individuals who are promiscuous. Rambam obviously is referring to Jewish religious communities; he did not write his halachic work for Gentiles nor the irreligious.
- Even the great sages did not see themselves as immune from temptation. They would share their concerns about their own need to take precautions in order to teach their students not to be ashamed of their weaknesses. Rather to the contrary, to be realistic of the dangers and avoid situations that could be too seductive.
While this small discussion cannot cover all the important ideas about this matter, I will choose some significant less frequently known ideas.
Affairs do not have to end a marriage. In fact, statistically speaking, most marriages survive an affair.
Let us discuss different types of affairs because they indicate different responses and pathways for correction and reconnection:
- Narcissism and/or poor impulse control
- Sex Addiction and compulsive behaviors
- Unusual temptation (drugs, alcohol, or endorphins) and a one time event that is not part of a pattern
- Anger / lack of attention/ emotional sexual deprivation
- Cyber infidelity
As with all mental health diagnoses, these are merely conceptual categories. In real life, there can be blending and overlapping of these causations and cognitive and psychological dynamics.
Key points in a Repair process:
- Assessment of damage and extent of behavior. Note, not all disclosure details are for everyone. While most couples should go through a process where there is disclosure after there is good individual and couples therapeutic support, some of the details may be too painful and not necessary. Others require all the information in order to establish a full sense of safety.
- Explorations of reasons to heal and create recommitment
- Process of understanding each Person's role in the affair (please no judgment). This requires a careful process of understanding even the victim-spouse's role, despite of course the spouse being the one who was wronged and who is indeed the victim.
- Making amends, finding forgiveness (no time table and no statute of limitations.) Often, there needs to be cycles of acceptance, forgiveness and then re-arousal of anger and frustration. The offender must be open to a continuous process and never say, “I apologized already“.
- New systems of intimacy and trust development. After the initial healing, new boundaries, new sense of self, new expressions of sexual and emotional fidelity can be developed that are stronger than ever before.
- Understanding of warning signs so the couple is able to proactively forestall and call out behaviors way before they lead to complete unraveling of the sanctity of the relationship.
Generally speaking, there is a need to invest in large amounts of couple work. The spouse victim usually needs support through individual therapy and possibly S-Anon or related group support. The Cheating spouse often needs therapy to understand, clarify values and develop appropriate communication and relational skills as well as grieving The loss of certain freedoms or exciting and risk-taking behaviors.
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