Our Gemara on Amud Aleph tells us of a pious practice of Rabbi Nehunya and Mar Zutra:

⁦Rabbi Neḥunya also said: Nor did I ever allow the resentment caused by my fellow’s curse to go up with me upon my bed. This is referring to conduct such as that of Mar Zutra. When he would go to bed at night, he would first say: I forgive anyone who has hurt me.

There is a practice amongst married couples who have a rule not to go to sleep in a fight. It is an admirable practice and reflects somewhat the idea of this Gemara. However, this rule requires some consideration of the challenges it poses:

  1. Many couple fights are circular, repetitive and not easy to resolve. This can lead to forced and fake solutions, or arguments that get more and more desperate as exhaustion starts to cloud judgement.
  2. Couples also have disparities in their ability to wake up later, and also in their ability to compartmentalize feelings. As God often pairs up opposites, one spouse might be desperate to go to sleep and have no problem putting aside the feelings until another day, while the other might not be able to sleep until the fight is resolved.

The truth is that this goal, while lofty, can also be a prison. If this rule is modified somewhat, it can be more practical.  The goal should be to come to an understanding, not a solution to the fight. Here are some tips for basic questions that you can collaboratively ask each other, and answer, in order to settle things enough to go to sleep:

  1. What is the one point that you are struggling to have heard? The issue is not whether it’s right or wrong. Rather, what is the idea, feeling or experience that you are desperate to have me consider and be open to?  Get it into 2-3 sentences so the argument doesn’t go on all night.  Validate the idea, even if you do not agree with the actual interpretation or solution.  That is consider the other person’s subjective feelings and needs and understand, at least, why from their point of view they feel that way.
  2. What are actions that I took or didn’t take that contribute to the problem.
  3. Extra credit: Can you commit to do or not do one of these actions 
  4. When will we agree to sit down and finish the conversation?

Following these communication tips will allow you to at least come to a more peaceful connected state before you go to sleep as a couple.