Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses various strategies to determine paternity without requiring a woman to wait three months after a divorce, or death, to remarry. The Gemara asks, why is it necessary to wait three months? She can wait a week or two, and then remarry. Should she show the physical signs of pregnancy at the three month mark, it is obvious that she is pregnant from her first husband. (According to the medicine of the Gemara’s times, these physical signs only show at the three month mark, so any signs would be from a prior pregnancy, and not from conception that occurred from the second husband.) The Gemara answers, checking for signs of pregnancy from a prior husband will cause her husband to feel repulsed.
The obvious question is, the husband who chooses to marry her knows she could theoretically be pregnant, checking will not change the truth of the matter. We see that some truths in marriage are not helpful to emphasize. In fact, it is most helpful in marriage to suffer from psychological amnesia. Cultivating the ability to forget upsetting facts can be a good thing. While this example relates to something unflattering about the wife, of course the same applies to women about their husbands.
In four studies reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, there is a particular effect that trust or mistrust has on past memories in relationships. Based on the Risk Regulation model, people in relationships are faced with an unconscious dilemma. “Should they work toward establishing and maintaining a fulfilling relationship by drawing closer to and becoming more dependent on their partner, even though doing so increases their likelihood of being hurt and rejected?” In all areas of life, whether it’s finance, religion or relationships, there is a consistent risk reward ratio. The more you risk, the greater the reward potential, but of course the greater potential for loss. Therefore, individuals with high trust will tend to color memories of past betrayals in a more mild light, with a sense of having resolved them. However, individuals with less trust, will color past memories of betrayals in a less favorable light in order to reinforce their protective stance.
So to have good relationships, let us remember to forget!
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