Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses a situation where a father-in-law is unable to come up with the funds that he promised for a dowry. The Mishna uses an unusual idiom:
פָשַׁט לוֹ אֶת הָרֶגֶל
His father-in-law “stuck his foot out”
Rashi offers two peshatim: (1) He sticks out his foot in disrespect. That is to say, “I have no regard for you; clean off my shoes. (2) He says he is broke, sticking out his foot as if to say, “You can grab me and hang me upside down from a tree by my foot, but you won’t find any money on me.” (See Penei Yehoshua for a discussion about the difference between these two interpretations.) Rambam (Laws of Marriage 23:16) seems to understand it more literally, as in he stuck his foot out and ran away. While the pashut peshat is on the Rambam’s side, it is odd that the Mishna doesn’t use the typical term, “Barach - ברח “).
In any case, the phenomenon of fathers in law unwilling or unable to keep promises of support is an old one. (See Shalah where he rails against this, Aseres HaDibros Pesachim Ner Mitzvah.) I will offer some words of advice to those who find themselves in such a situation:
- If you were expecting to be supported in Kollel, remember you are committed to a spiritual endeavor. If God wants you to have the money, you’ll have it. If not, why even bother to be supported? One’s biggest mitzvah or nisayon comes from the place you least expect it. Your devotion to Torah might just be fulfilled by swallowing pride and maintaining shalom bayis.
- Most financial support (though not all) is enabling and toxic. Reflecting on life, from all the friends I know whose parents “bought them a house”, I can only think of one who became financially successful in his own right. The rest of them under-earned because they did not have to earn up to a mortgage. Though my parents and my in-laws helped in any way they could (which was appreciated and of significance), my wife and I were from chinuch families and no one gave us a downpayment, let alone a house. Looking back, I can see that many, many times I took risks that I would not have in order to push the development of my career and earning capacity. There is no question that the financial demands spurred personal growth, and that financial support in such a large sum may indeed have disabled it.
- If you feel you must confront your father in law, it must be with your spouse’s agreement and done by your spouse in front of you. Blood must take care of blood; you are merely an outsider. If your wife does not want do this, or is ambivalent, do not hold it against her. It is painful to challenge parents, and especially for a younger person who still may have too strong attachments. It requires sensitivity and patience to come to a place of spousal agreement on certain topics. Do not force or push, just keep dialogue. Do not go ahead until there is full agreement between the two of you.
- If you have reached this point, proceed with respect and humility. Jung says, the degree which you will influence others in a discussion is proportional to the degree of how ready you are to be influenced. There always is another side to the story. Though you may object, “But that side is wrong!”, it is still the other person’s side. Why would anyone bother to listen to someone who is not open to listening to him?
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