Our Gemara on Amud Aleph tells us an interesting story about Rav Huna, who wanted to test his son and see how patient and respectful he could be, even when provoked. Rav Huna tore silk garments in front of his son to see if he would get angry. The Gemara asks a number of questions regarding the propriety of this challenge, but we will focus on one particular question and answer.

The Gemara asks how it is permitted to tear a garment. Is this not a violation of Bal Tashchis, destroying and wasting functional objects? The Gemara answers that he tore it on the seams. Then the Gemara asks, does this not defeat the whole purpose of the test? If Rav Huna tore it on the seams, why would it be a provocation, since it could be easily repaired? The Gemara answers that he already was tense about some other matter, so he would not notice that the tear was merely on the seams.

This highlights a key lesson in relationships and anger management. Often, if one takes an extra moment to check assumptions and clarify, an angry outburst can be avoided. This is true for several reasons. The obvious one is that perhaps there is a misunderstanding, and the entire offense is not what it seems. Secondly, even if the matter is as offensive as it seems, by promising and asking the person for clarification, you give the other person a way to back down and save face. They can at least pretend that they didn’t mean to say something that offensive and try to reframe what they meant. Finally, the very act of pausing and inquiring engages the neo-cortex and reduces reactivity because there is now a more intellectual empathic operation instead of raw animal rage. (See psychology of the Daf Kiddushin 24 for more about brain functioning, instinctive reaction, and intellectual processing.)

Generally, a good formula to follow when something happens that angers you is to follow these steps:

1. Try to describe to the person what you saw, heard, experienced, etc., in the most neutral terms. So, for example, do not say, "you came late," instead say, "you came at 10:25 am." This way, you describe what occurred without yet attacking it or criticizing it.

2. In the most respectful and calm way, explain how you perceived it or what it seemed to you to be saying.

3. Ask if there is some misperception or anything else you should know in case you are misjudging.

For extra credit, before step 2, you can offer a suggested rationale or limud zechus about what the person meant to say or do in a more benign manner.

One of my favorite Gemaras that illustrates this is from Nedarim (66b). There was this simple but devout woman who had difficulty comprehending the difference between her husband’s dialect and hers, leading to numerous frustrating encounters. Perhaps she was what we would call today, "On the spectrum," in that she might have been too literal. As the story goes, one time her husband asked for botzina (melon), and she gave him lamps, which is what botzina meant in her Palestinian dialect of Aramaic. Her husband became furious and declared that she should smash the lamps on the bava (doorpost). As fate would have it, a prominent sage was passing through town who was named Bava the son of Buta. She promptly smashed the lamps on his head.

You can imagine the scene. A great sage, publicly humiliated with oil and ash from the lamp dripping down his head and clothes in front of his entourage of students and followers. Bava ben Buta calmly inquires, "What's this about?" The woman proceeds to tell him her story, and Bava ben Buta, realized she was a simple, devout woman merely trying to follow her husband’s bidding. He then blesses her and sends her on her way. The Talmud tells us that as a result of this blessing she merited to have two sons who became great sages and tzaddikim. Bava ben Buta had every right to be furious, but instead he was curious.