Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses that when someone prefers to bring an offering, if he wants to reneg, the Jewish court compels him to fulfill his pledge. However, since the verse (Vayikra 1:3) implies that it is brought with his will and intention, we force him until he verbalizes that he is “agreeing” and “wants” to bring the sacrifice.

This is an interesting psychological domain of religious worship. On the one hand, for it to be meaningful it must come from the heart and be voluntary. On the other hand, since Jewish religious life is also part of a social and legal system, rules must be enforced at times, possibly for the greater good of moral order even if the individual’s level of worship is not being so well served. We can understand intuitively that even though religious practice should come from the heart, it may need to be enforced as well.

Religious parents are faced with this moral and pedagogical dilemma. Children must be disciplined and at times forced to comply in order to train them in proper religious habits and even in a secular sense, to self-control. Becoming obedient to religious laws and expectations are no less important than making a child memorize the multiplication table. The child might resent it and complain, but one day, he will understand why he needed to learn basic skills, and even just to learn the value of obedience and perseverance that comes from study and mastery. Yet, if a child resents and hates math his whole life, this is no major loss. However, what if religious compulsion and reinforcement causes a child to hate religion or certain rituals, God forbid?

Researcher Avanlee Peterson discusses elements that lead to success or failure in religious education (“The Double-Edged Sword: Unsuccessful versus Successful Religious Parenting and Transmission,” Intuition: The BYU Undergraduate Journal of Psychology: Vol. 15: Iss. 2, Article 3. 2020. Material below are quotations from the article):

According to Santrock et al. (2020), “adolescence and emerging adulthood can be especially important developmental periods in religious identity and behavior” (p. 375). As older children and adolescents develop cognitively and improve their ability to think abstractly, they are at a particularly sensitive time in their lives and, therefore, are increasingly moldable to their religious and spiritual environments. They begin to cultivate a greater awareness and ability to self-reflect, as well as an increased curiosity and motivation to wonder about the transcendent or divine meaning of life. In fact, research has shown that adolescents and emerging adults may be the most sensitive and responsive to spiritual and religious matters compared to any other age group (Good & Willoughby, 2008). Therefore, a child or adolescent’s time spent building his or her religious and spiritual identity plays a critical role in establishing personal religious values and shaping behaviors. Furrow et al. (2010) report that religious parenting that instills positive, religious sentiments helps children develop a greater psychological wellness and increases their sense of meaning and purpose. A greater sense of personal meaning and identity, coupled with positive ties to their religious community, boosts children’s willingness to care for others, stay out of trouble, commit to the common good, participate within the community, and behave in a more altruistic manner. Furthermore, when religious parenting is done right, children are more motivated to participate in religious activities along with their parents and practice other prosocial, positive behaviors.

According to Barrow et al. (2020) and Owen (1984), parents can balance their desire for religious continuity and their child’s religious agency in a number of ways. First, parents should teach principles more than they should attempt to enforce religious practices. If a child does not want to pray or attend religious services, parents should patiently explain the principles behind prayer and worship. Forcing a child to participate without explanation often leads to rebellion, bitterness, or blind obedience rather than true faith and understanding. Second, parents should clearly communicate household expectations and standards for religious practice in the home; nevertheless, these expectations or rules should still allow for some personal exploration.

Much of the research on parenting styles suggests that religious parenting is most successful when using an authoritative style of parenting (high structure, high warmth, high autonomy) rather than an authoritarian style (high structure, low warmth, low autonomy). Peterson defines Authoritarian parenting as aggressive and forceful interactions between parent and child, including fear-mongering, weak parent-child communication, and excessive control. Authoritative parenting, has both structure and independence, often including healthy parental support, guidance, and cooperation. Peterson asserts that, “Out of a desire or sense of moral obligation to pass their religion onto their children, parents may implement an authoritarian approach to religious parenting and teaching. In doing so, they may use excessive force to get their child or adolescent to participate in religious rituals and limit their religious autonomy. While there are differing opinions on whether authoritarian religious parenting is efficacious or not, there has been increasing evidence to suggest that an authoritative style is better suited for successful religious transference between parent and child. Consequently, when parents apply an authoritative approach to parenting, the child is better able to harness the many benefits that come with religious and spiritual affiliation. Conversely, when parents apply an authoritarian approach, they risk exploiting their child’s autonomy, often leading to religious embitterment later on (Bornstein et al., 2017).

Even though our tradition can endorse authoritarian approaches, as we see in our Gemara, culture and context count on how these experiences are internalized. A person growing up in poverty does not feel distressed if he is unable to get a new iPhone, but a child from a different status will feel genuinely deprived. So too, parents must be conscious of how they implement discipline so as not to arouse too much resentment. The Gemara discusses the idea of not being too harsh on a child so as not to tempt him to respond with chutzpah or rebellion, thus Moed Kattan (17a) warns against hitting an older child who is old enough that he might be tempted to hit back. Ritva (ibid) points out that there is no specific age, but it is based on the child’s nature and what would lead to aggression or disrespect. This is a clear indicator that we must use careful discernment in how and when we apply coercive measures in religious pedagogy.