Our Gemara on Amud Aleph describes the liabilities of an employer whose worker enters his property to collect payments and is bit by his dog. The question of liability revolves around a misunderstanding of the word, “Yes”. Did it mean, “Yes, enter”, or “Yes, I acknowledge your presence at the gate and I will come to greet you.” Regardless of the halakhic outcome, the worker who assumed the homeowner meant, “Yes, enter”, paid a nasty price for his assumption. 

Cognitive Bias is highly operative in communication. We often hear what we want to hear, and project interpretations onto what people say. These distortions can come from fears or wishes. If a person has social anxiety and insecurities (“People think I’m dumb”), it can lead to assumptions of insults that might have been benign. If a person has a narcissistic personality, it can lead to ignoring and steamrolling other persons’ opinions. Even as the other person is struggling to be heard, the words are filtered and judged or reinterpreted without fully reflecting or internalizing their idea or state of mind. 

One excellent way to combat cognitive bias in relationship communication is to constantly work on not jumping to conclusions. No matter what we think we hear, or what we believe we know, we should be careful to ask for clarification before reacting. When you ask before reacting and verify first, you either clear up possible misinterpretations, or at the very least, give the person a way to save face and retract. Tone counts too, as the request for clarification must be calm and open, not sarcastic, so as not to trigger a defensive or hostile reaction. 

The great sage and Tzaddik, Bava Ben Buta was once accosted by a woman who suddenly smashed two lamps on his head (Nedarim 66b). Though he was obviously humiliated in public, and as a revered sage, had every right to defend k’vod HaTorah even on principle. Yet, he calmly enquired of her, “What is the reason for this that you have done?” As it turns out, there was a whole backstory where he surmised she was obeying specific directions, which she took literally, believing this is what her husband wanted and thought was proper. Bava Ben Buta must have quickly ascertained that she was a pious, but person of simple intellect, who just did as she believed she was told by those whom she respected. (Perhaps she was what we would call today, “on the spectrum.”) Instead of scorn, Bava gave her a blessing that she will have two children who will grow up to be great sages (and enlighten others), symbolically represented by the two smashed lamps.

Bava’s calm curiosity and humility saved this woman from harsh retaliation, and even more importantly, saved Bava from inadvertently hurting an innocent person. We must always strive to calmly clarify before reacting.