Our Gemara on Amud aleph homiletically interprets the verse (Devarim 28:3), “Blessed are you when you enter.” as referring to a husband who returns home from a trip. The blessing will be that he will not find her in an uncertain halachic state, where she had a situation of questionable impurity, stopping them from a physical reunification. 

 

Rashi here comments, “And of course the blessing applies that he wouldn’t return home and find her to be an outright and certain state of Niddah impurity.” 

 

However, the simple reading of the Gemara suggests there is something specifically problematic regarding an unresolved question regarding his wife’s status upon return. Indeed, Maharshal here suggests that the Gemara could be speaking specifically about an uncertain case of Niddah, as it is more challenging emotionally and frustrating, as one is tempted to rationalize that it is not really a problem. Ben Yehoyada offers two other clever peshatim as to why the Gemara specifically refers to an uncertain Niddah:

 

1. Usually a doubtful scenario occurs from a stain. If so, it often is an irregular cycle, which makes the issue worse, since once she is ready to go back to Mikvah, her regular cycle may start all over again.

 

1. It is natural to have a cycle, and therefore it would not be truly a blessing to defeat something that is part of a natural process. However, it is an appropriate blessing to be spared from an irregularity in the cycle that would cause a situation of doubt.

 

I have two other answers, which are in my opinion, even closer to the straight and simple peshat:

1. States of Niddah that come due to a regular cycle is something that the couple can anticipate and manage. Either he won’t be disappointed when he comes home because he knows it's likely that she will be Niddah, or he could schedule his trip differently. In any case, we can see that protection from a situation of sudden and doubtful staining is the concern and benefit that the blessing offers. 

 

1. Perhaps there are women who would not be comfortable taking Niddah questions to the Rabbi. Or it could be referring to a situation where the husband himself is learned enough to rule on any particular questions and colors of blood, if he would be home. Therefore, when a man is away on a trip, there’s a greater likelihood that he’ll return to his wife in the state of uncertain Niddah status, since she may have had questions that she could not get answered. (And some questions literally require the light of day to resolve, so if he came home at dusk, he would not be able to rule on certain questions, Niddah 20b.) So the blessing is that she doesn’t have any complications while he is away and no questions, so when he returns, they could be intimate that night. 

 

Family purity laws offer structure and regulation that can be helpful to couples, but for some people, the sudden onset of Niddah can be triggering from past abandonment traumas. In addition, the withdrawal of physical and romantic affections could be interpreted by the other spouse as, “You only care about me when we can be physical.” Sometimes the allegation is close to the truth, which requires introspection on the part of the other spouse and repair. However, other times, it might be the spouse’s genuine and healthy effort to manage his or her own impulses and temptations. Yet, it still can be experienced as a painful abandonment. A spouse that tends toward perfectionistic and religious rigidity might over interpret the restrictions, and distance their spouse more than necessary. Usually perfectionistic and religiously scrupulous individuals have convincing arguments for their logic. The problem is usually not their reasoning, the problem is that it is not balanced with empathy and openness to the other person's perspective and experience. The halacha might be the same, but how the message is delivered and enacted makes a world of difference.

 

These areas of halacha require sensitivity and respect for each person’s emotional needs, attachment, styles, and fears about religious transgression. One spouse might cope with the difficulties of losing sexual and intimate comfort by dissociating and numbing out, while another might become even more intense and reach out for stronger connection. When an unhealthy couple is lacking in respect and collaboration, each party will tend to minimize and disrespect, and even pathologize the other person’s needs. One will be accused of being excessively scrupulous, and the other will be accused of being unbalanced and too needy. Neither is fair or reasonable, nor giving each person’s subjective needs and personality proper consideration. But healthy couples are able to collaborate and negotiate without excessive shaming or blaming, and maintain respect and compassion for different points of view and different emotional coping styles. Healthy couples also are not afraid to get guidance from a mutually respected rabbinic authority.