Our Gemara on Amud Alephs comments on the relational consequences of arrogance:

 

One who is haughty is not accepted even by the members of his household, as it is stated: “The haughty man abides not” (Habakkuk 2:5). What does the phrase “abides [yinveh] not” mean? It means that even in his abode [naveh], he is not accepted.

 

Pesach Einayim wonders: If so, why do we see women who are attracted to a man specifically because he projects a certain self-assuredness and only later, she begins to loathe this quality. (See Sotah 47b that discusses an era of decline, when people married based on external appearance.) Pesach Einayim offers a mystical explanation, but I will discuss the psychological dynamics of being attracted to someone and eventually hate them for the same quality. For example, people might say:

 

“I used to love his silence. It felt so confident, and he really was there. Now, his passive silence drives me crazy… I wish he would just say something!”

 

“I found her quiet nature and lack of airs enchanting, but now her lack of assertiveness exasperates me.”

 

“She was so caring….He was so generous. Now, S/he does chessed for everyone except me.”

 

This dynamic might come from what Freud called, “The Repetition Compulsion.” He described it as, “a pattern whereby people endlessly repeat patterns of behavior which were difficult or distressing in earlier life.”  Otto Fenichel expanded on the idea, as “Repetitions of traumatic events for the purpose of achieving a belated mastery.” This is why couples often find in their partners aspects of their primary relationships, both because it is a familiar pattern but even more so, to try to correct a painful emotional gap. For example if one had a parent who was emotionally distant, he or she might be drawn to someone with similar traits, but at times, shows the ability to tune in. This can be even more gratifying if it feels as if his or her attention is coming from romantic attachment. It is an irresistible drug to discover that finally I am good to be loved. The relationship promises to correct a deep pain, and unconsciously is a time-travel solution to lost parental love.

 

The problems begin if the perceived promise of restoration was not fulfilled and more the result of projection and wishful thinking, as well as the spouse’s wish to live up to an expectation. However, this is not all bad news. Most situations are not black and white. The spouse’s potential ability to meet this unmet need might be negotiable, if each spouse takes interest in trying to see their differentness with respect instead of annoyance. Demanding or pestering a spouse to change doesn’t work well, but having honest discussions about how to meet each other’s needs, even if they are different, allow for learning from each other and cross influence. This is known as Complementarity, the way in which couples embody different and sometimes opposite strengths.

 

There is a reason why the institution of a two parent family has been the consistent method to successfully raise humans across millenia and cultures, (though diabolical elements of modern society want to undermine this.) It models healthy relationships when two persons, with opposite and different views who nevertheless discuss, reflect and integrate the different sensitivities,. The child observes and absorbs a sense that different and conflicting ideas can be held and worked through, without resorting to fear or bullying. This healthy dynamic also develops a balanced relationship with aspects of self. The human personality is an uneasy marriage between competing drives and instincts. A healthy personality has the ability to integrate conflicting urges and thoughts by developing an internal dialogue that also is free of fear or bullying. Two spouses who continuously engage and challenge each other respectfully are the epitome of the cooperation necessary for civilization. This teaches children how to incorporate the wisdom of others and even parts of themselves into a curious, open, empathic and creative personality.