Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses the fact that Miriam’s banishment was supposed to last for 14 days based on the following logic: If her father had but spit in her face, should she not hide in shame for seven days?” (Numbers 12:14). The Gemara then argues, in fact, Miriam experienced a more severe reprimand from the Divine Presence, therefore, she ought to have been ostracized for fourteen days. Yet, by dint of the fact that this did not happen, and she only was banished for seven days this teaches us an important element of the hermeneutical principle of Kal V’chomer: Dayo labah min hadin lihyos kanidon a conclusion that emerges from a Kal V’chomer inference is a limited to the extent of its source. Therefore, her punishment cannot be for longer than the punishment of one who is reprimanded by a father, which is seven days.  

While it is understandable that a reprimand from God would be more severe than a reprimand from a parent, the commentaries try to understand how the number 14 was considered the logical conclusion. We will not go into those details except to acknowledge that somehow or another, one can derive from this teaching that when dealing with divine matters, there is a factor of double.

An interesting and sad way that this principle was applied is in regard to Rabbenu Gershom and his son. There is a tradition that one of his sons converted to Christianity, and notably, he sat Shiva for fourteen days. He sat for 14 days instead of seven, based on similar logic discussed above. There is also some dispute as to whether he sat Shiva when he died, or at the time of his apostasy. (See Mordechai Moed Kattan 886, Or Zarua Aveilus 428, Taz YD 340.)

This painful story shows that even great and God-fearing people are not immune from parenting distress. This is a good time to meditate on the challenges of having children who do not follow in your footsteps. While of course we should always be reflective and consider what parenting mistakes we made, and do our best to correct what we can, it is also a normal part of life to fall short in our parenting as well as have our children fall short of our expectations. Our history is filled with stories, from ancient times to the present, of children who have followed in the greatness of their families and those who have not.

The Gemara at the end of Maseches Succah relates a story of one particular priestly family line which was distanced and stripped of certain privileges. Because of the behavior of one family member, the rabbis assumed that it was due to cynical rhetoric in the home, and held the whole family accountable. Indeed it is isolating, painful and shameful when a child does not conform to religious and social standards, and can even cast a poor light on other family members.  However, I think there is some comfort in knowing that this is a deep ingrained pattern and a way in which the world works, derech haolam. Consider the stories of our patriarchs who all had to accept imperfections in their children. Additionally, King David had at least two sons who were rebellious, Avshalom and Adoniyahu. Even more important to realize is that creation itself doesn’t fully obey God or follows the plan. Adam didn’t merely sin, and it wasn’t just Cain murdering Abel or the Tower of Babel or the Flood. Even the very trees did not obey! According to Rashi (Bereishis 1:11) and Bereishis Rabbah 5:9), the trees’ wooden trunk and branches were supposed to taste like the fruit. Shmuel the prophet’s first prophecy was to deliver bad news to Eyli, that terrible suffering would transpire to his descendants because of his son’s sins (Pesachim 57a). Ironically, Shmuel’s sons also neither followed in their father’s virtuous footsteps, though not as corrupt as Eyli’s sons (see Shmuel I:8 and commentaries.)

Personality and religious observance are similar to physical health, which are a combination of exposure to toxins, harmful influences, personal disposition and vulnerabilities that contribute to whether disease or dysfunction will develop. Just as one person can smoke two packs of cigarettes a day for his entire life and not come down with lung cancer, while another might get cancer from the minutest exposure, so too some parents are much more hurtful or inappropriate and their children thrive, while others may have meade relatively small mistakes but pay a big price. The important and unmistakable conclusion is that we simply must accept that sometimes your projects, your children, and your creations just don’t work out the way you hoped and planned.