Dear Therapist:

Around a year ago my son was far along in a shidduch and at a late stage the girl said no. He was devastated at the time which we thought was normal. But it is now a while later and his dating has really suffered from it. He is constantly procrastinating when shidduchim are redt to him and he is an anxious mess when he dates. After every date he agonizes about his decision and, in my opinion, has said no to some very nice girls without really giving them a chance. In our discussions with him, it seems he can't get over that he misread the situation with that first girl and doesn't trust himself anymore. It seems like, in a way, he is really traumatized from that experience. Could that really be? How can we help him?

Response:

Your question about whether your son could truly be traumatized by his experience appears to have been asked with some incredulity. It seems to make no sense to you that this experience could have been so traumatic that he is still reacting to it in so problematic a fashion. From your perspective, this may well be true. In your own experience, this type of situation might have caused you little to no consternation.

Trauma, however, is subjective. Something that is highly traumatizing for one person might not even register on the trauma scale for someone else. There are various reasons for this. On a simple level, reasons are basic and relate to factors like personality, age, maturity, and life experiences. On a deeper level, a traumatic event can negatively affect a person’s sense of self.

In your son’s case, for example, let’s assume that his self-esteem is largely based on his perception of his social capabilities, his ability to get married and begin a family, and his general sense of his likeability. In this example, he has always maintained multiple friendships to minimize the possibility of being hurt by rejection. He put off dating (or wouldn’t allow himself to become emotionally involved with any girl) until he was confident that it would lead to engagement and marriage. He was always a people pleaser in order to feel liked by others.

In a theoretical example like this one, you can easily understand how rejection by a girl who was (perhaps almost exclusively) supplying all three needs would be crushing for your son. Of course, I don’t know the specifics, and I don’t know why your son is reacting so strongly to this rejection. However, there is certainly a reason.

If you are responding emotionally from your own perspective, your physical and verbal reactions may be following suit. You may be giving your son the message that his feelings and reactions are not valid. If your son is looking for your support, it is in the areas that are problematic for him. He may be desperate for your understanding and validation, which would allow him to feel that his reaction is normal and okay. He may need you to acknowledge his feelings (like loss of self-trust) so that he could begin working them through.

As long your son has the sense that you disapprove of—or disagree with—his feelings, he may attempt to ignore, dismiss, or repress them. Rather than resolving the issue, this would typically cause the issue to become exacerbated. And the worse that he feels, the more he may be inclined to avoid the issue, causing further exacerbation in an ever-accelerating cycle.

Even if your son is acknowledging his emotions and is attempting to deal with them, your support in this area could be very helpful. Sometimes, simply knowing that our feelings are normal, and that there are others with whom we can discuss them, can be crucial to resolving them.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

  psychotherapist in private practice

  Woodmere, NY

  adjunct professor at Touro University

  Graduate School of Social Work

  author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

  www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200