Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
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Anxious Children & Holocaust Education
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
April 16th, 2018
Question: My 5th grade son recently came home from a friend’s house frightened and in tears. He was literally shaking. When I finally managed to calm him down he told me that his friend had been showing him books with pictures of the Holocaust. There were pictures of the mass graves, crematoria, and people being shot and hung. Including little children. My husband and I sat with him for a long time trying to reassure him and calm him down. …
Corona 4: Overwhelmed with homeschooling
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
April 20th, 2020
Question: On a regular week, in normal times, I have so much on my plate. Now I am expected to care for my infant (no babysitter), keep house (no cleaning help), work from home, entertain my kids, and be in charge of their homeschooling. This while my husband is also expected to work full time from home. When I hear people talk about how this time offers us opportunities to learn with our children, quality time, etc.. I wonder what I am miss …
Rav Reuvein Feinstein's address
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
April 21st, 2017
בס"ד These notes are an attempt to summarize the remarks of Rav Reuven Feinstein during a question-and answer session with mental health professionals. This meeting took place ב ניסן תשע"ז in Staten Island. Please consider any mistakes to be mine. Before answering the specific שאלות, I’d like to make an introductory comment. There is a fundamental distinction between the work of a secular mental health profess …
Rabbi or Therapist?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
April 23rd, 2018
Question: Our daughter has recently asked us to see (and pay for) a therapist. She says that her reasons for this are because she feels empty, without direction in life and is not finding fulfillment. She is 22 years old, has never had any issues before, had no major difficulties in life, has a good job and has always done well. My husband and I have always felt that she could be a little more sincere with her yiddishkeit. She does ever …
Shyness & Social Anxiety: When is it a problem?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
April 30th, 2017
Social Anxiety and Shyness in children: When is it a problem? When observing children, what often appears as social anxiety, is, in fact, age-appropriate behavior without necessitating too much concern from parents. See below for some distinctions between ordinary shyness and social anxiety. Leah Stern is concerned about her 6-year-old daughter, Chanala. When Mrs. Stern meets a friend in public, Chanala hides behin …
Money and Mental Health
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
April 3rd, 2024
Question: I live in a neighborhood/community where there is a big emphasis on money. It is a young neighborhood where people are just starting work, and some are making serious money and throwing it around. So there has recently become this pressure to “keep up with the Joneses.” I have a salaried job and al pi derech hateva I am not going to become a millionaire any time soon. This was always ok with me, and I didn&rsq …
Supportive psychotherapy
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
April 5th, 2021
Question: I am wondering if therapy can help a person who is in a difficult situation that can’t be changed. I understand if someone is depressed with life therapy can help them feel better but if someone is dealing with a reality that is bad is there a point of going to therapy? I understand the question is broad, but I would prefer not to go into my own personal details. Either way there are many such examples, financial, familial, medica …
Journalists, Vice, and Hassidim
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
August 16th, 2016
Re: http://www.vice.com/read/how-mentally-ill-hasidic-women-slip-though-cracks-in-the-system Dear Ms. Conti, As my Psychology practice is based in the Orthodox Borough Park community, I read your article with much interest. Your central point is sadly correct: there are unlicensed and untrained therapists serving a vulnerable population. You effectively tell the tragic story of two individuals from their own perspective. Reporting on an entire co …
Dealing with rejection from the school system
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
August 17th, 2017
Question: I am writing about a very painful matter that unfortunately other parents are struggling with as well. As I write this letter at the end of July my daughter does not yet have a high school for next year. I will leave aside the larger communal issue of children not getting into schools because I don’t think this is the forum for it but suffice it to say that she is an excellent girl with middos tovos and has had good grades t …
Rav Aharon Feldman's address
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
August 23rd, 2017
בס"ד Below are my notes of Rav Feldman's lecture to Orthodox Mental Health Professionals which took place in New York City during the summer of 2016. Rav Feldman has approved this version. All rights reserved. The lecture and subsequent Q and A covered the following topics: A Torah approach to Psychology, Validating feelings, Homosexuality, Kibud Av Vaeim, Families in distress, and Hitting children. A Torah Approach to Psycho …
My child is not cut out for learning
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
August 23rd, 2021
Question: As parents of a large family, we have always thanked Hashem for the fact that our children were smart, academic, and did very well in school. While there was an occasional hiccup here and there it was nothing that a little tutoring or extra help couldn't fix. With our youngest son it seems clearer and clearer that he is a bit different. He has trouble paying attention, isn't really interested in school and seems to be that kind o …
Askanim and cultural values
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
August 24th, 2016
Re: http://narrative.ly/healing-hasidic-masturbators-and-adulterers-with-psychiatric-drugs/ Dear Ms. Ungar-Sargon, Thank you for a well-researched article highlighting unethical practices in the Chassidic community. Although not Chassidic myself, I have maintained a Psychology practice for over a decade in this community and have heard that such practices indeed exist. I refer specifically to those addressing religious struggles via medication an …
I have no friends!
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
August 2nd, 2017
Please picture the following two scenarios, and consider how you would handle it: a) Your child comes home from school saying “I have no friends”; b) Child stays at home every Shabbos, never playing with classmates or neighbors. These situations are painful for parents to deal with. Dealing with a rejection of one’s child or watching him spend all his time alone in his room can break a parent’s heart. This often evok …
Peer pressure: Good or bad?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
August 7th, 2018
Question: Can you please give me some good guidelines on how to deal with peer pressure? I am very affected by what the people around me are doing. I don't know if it's that I'm afraid of people getting angry with me or I need to be the center of attention. I think that that is my most difficult challenge and if I could just not be afraid to be different I would be a much better person. This is a good question. You are …
Piety or Scrupulosity
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
December 10th, 2018
Question: We have a wonderful daughter who is back from seminary, happily working and doing very well BH, but here is the concern... While my daughter was in high school she started taking on more and more chumras and started becoming more and more frum and shtark. It affected her relationship with her friends, how she dressed, what she ate, (or didn't eat), her sleep, her davening, her ability and confidence in he …
Should we talk to kids about weed?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
December 12th, 2020
Question: The unfortunate reality is that marijuana use is becoming increasingly less taboo in society. This has been driven home by the recent vote in NJ to legalize its use. Until recently it never would have crossed my mind as something I need to worry about with my children. However, with its increased prevalence in society, I am starting to wonder if this is something I need to discuss with my kids? Do you think this is something I should ha …
I am afraid to fly.
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
December 14th, 2016
Question: My wife has always been afraid of flying. The last time she flew, around a year and a half ago, there was some turbulence mid-flight and she got hysterical and wasn't able to calm down until we landed (thankfully this was on the way home). We have a family bar mitzvah on the west coast at the end of the month and she is already very apprehensive about going. I have tried to talk with her about the safety of flying but that just gets her …
Panic attack
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
December 22nd, 2016
Question: This past summer I had an anxiety attack. It came as a surprise because last year I was depressed but at the beginning of the summer I made it my business to get out of the rut. And since then I’ve been very busy going to classes and having a very small business which allows me to express myself. I’ve been in therapy for about a year now and I really feel like I’m on the road to recovery, being emotionally aware and st …
Spanking children?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
December 24th, 2017
Question: I am worried about how my husband interacts with our children. Most of the time he is great but when he is stressed out he can really be difficult. He yells a lot and on occasion hits (potches) the children. He says there is nothing wrong with that and that it was never considered wrong for a father to potch and is part of chinuch. I think it's horrible and will ruin the children emotionally. Can you please settle this issue for us.&nbs …
Yiras Shomayim or OCD?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
December 28th, 2016
Question: I am a tenth grade Rebbe in a local mesivta. I am concerned that one of the bochurim in my shiur may have OCD. He is a very good bochur and does very well, but is shy and seems very anxious about his grades. I noticed recently that he spends a very long time putting on ( and taking off) his teffilin. At least 10 minutes. He is constantly adjusting them during davening. He also takes a very long time davening. How do I know the differenc …
Help! My parents are getting divorced.
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
December 7th, 2016
Question: I am a regular frum girl, 15 years old and in high school. My parents never got along well and recently told my siblings and me that they are getting divorced. Is my life finished? Will everyone look at me with pity? Will I be able to find a good shidduch? Does the fact that my parents divorced make it more likely that I might get divorced? Any information or chizuk that you can give me is appreciated. That is very brave of you t …
Enabling or Chessed?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
December 8th, 2021
Question: My 27-year-old brother has become very stuck in his life and dependent on my sisters and me. He should be fully capable of getting a job, getting married, and moving forward with life. Instead, he has come to completely rely on his siblings for everything.(Our parents are sweet people but older and not so involved.) He sleeps in my sister's basement and eats the meals by us. He will occasionally get a job, but i …
Parnassa pressure
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
February 15th, 2017
Question: I am the mother of a growing family, kh, and like most women today, my income is essential. Perhaps my husband is learning and I am the primary breadwinner. Or perhaps my husband is working, but his income covers basics while mine pays the tuition. Either way, the pressure that I am feeling to increase my income as more of my children enter school is crushing. The truth is that I am not cut out to be a working mother. Far fro …
Rav Elya Brudny's address
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
February 1st, 2017
These notes are based on Rav Brudny’s remarks at the recent Agudah conference for Mental Health Professionals. Please consider any mistakes to be mine. I was officially invited to this conference to teach, as a הבאה ללמד. But when speaking to such an audience it is הבאה ללמד ונמצא למד. This Chabura deals with the tremendous pain and dysfunction out there. It is always an opportunity for gro …
Talking to children about death
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
February 21st, 2018
Question: My mother-in-law has been fighting a very serious illness for the last few years. At this time the doctors say that they have no more treatments to offer her. I don't think my husband really accepts the implications of this. My children have always had a close relationship with their grandmother and are always asking when she is going to get better. We have been very positive throughout this but now I am not sure how to approach it with …
A Purim Question!
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
February 22nd, 2021
Question: I am writing regarding my wife who is unfortunately happy all the time. She is always excited and cheerful, and I just can’t stand it anymore. She even loves puppies and cute animals, stops to compliment people on the street and in general is just annoyingly optimistic. What can you suggest to deal with this?? I happen to specialize in this issue and need to tell you that you are not alone. Although since la …
How shy is TOO shy?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
February 8th, 2017
Question: I am a pre-school Morah in the local Yeshiva. There is a boy in my class who never talks above a whisper. This has been going on since the beginning of the school year. While the parents insist that the child is just shy, I am convinced that this is more serious than shyness. Can you please give me an idea of where the line is between shyness and a more serious problem? I would also appreciate any strategies you can suggest for con …
Labeling children
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
February 8th, 2021
Question: A well-known educator recently spoke out strongly against "labeling" a child. Even if a child has a mental health issue and is receiving services, we must make sure he/she is not labeled. The remark struck a chord with me as 2 of my children are currently in therapy one for behavioral issues and one for anxiety. While the idea of not labeling a child sounds nice in theory, I am not sure how to put it in practice. At the end of the day m …
I have anxiety & OCD. Who should I marry?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
January 11th, 2017
Question: I am in my low 20's and have OCD and Anxiety. Baruch Hashem, I am more or less stable as I am in college, and holding down a job at the same time. My question is: In a Shidduch, do you think I should look for someone who’s similar to me- someone who also has Anxiety or some other disorder, or should I rather look for someone who’s "regular" without those kinds of challenges? (Honestly, I would prefer someone who doesn't have …
Unlicensed therapists
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
January 14th, 2019
Question: My sister-in-law sees an unlicensed therapist. This concerns me and I asked my sister-in-law about it who assured me that the therapist has very solid training and good results and she is happy with her. This doesn't sound right or ethical to me, but I am not sure what to do, if anything. I would appreciate the thoughts of the panel members. It is impossible to comment on your sister-in-law as well as o …
Shidduch Info From Her Therapist?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
January 16th, 2023
Question: I am dating a girl who disclosed to me that she has been seeing a therapist for the last year. She seems like a good girl and she said the things she went to therapy for are not significant. She gave me permission to speak directly with her therapist and signed a form allowing me to do so. My question/concern is how reliable will the information I get from the therapist be? Can you give me some advice on what type of questions to ask an …
How can I stop her from going OTD?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
January 18th, 2017
Question: My 18-year-old daughter has been having issues with yiddishkeit, and seems to be moving in the wrong direction. She has had trouble with anxiety and trust issues in the past and seems generally unhappy. My other kids are being affected by her constant anger and comments. My husband and I find ourselves constantly arguing over the proper way to handle the situation, and we feel that there’s no one to whom we can turn for help …
Protecting our Children
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
January 18th, 2022
Question: Thank you so much for your informative column. Once again, the importance of being diligent regarding the emotional and physical safety of our children has been hammered home. I was hoping that based on your years of experience as clinicians you could offer some guidance and advice as to what we as parents and members of a community should do to best protect our children? There is much to say on this topic. One year …
How does CBT work?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
January 25th, 2017
Question: I’m married in my twenties with some kids and have been struggling with general anxiety. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a couple of months now and she’s really helped me a lot on the “uncovering” aspect through looking at my childhood. I now know that it’s not a surprise that I have insecurities as an adult. But how do I get to the healing aspect? She says that talking over and over about thos …
Aging, Loss, and Kibud Av V'eim
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
January 30th, 2018
Question: I am writing regarding my father. My father is an extremely bright person and a professional who has been working the same job for many years. As he has recently entered his 60’s I notice that he just seems to be very down. My youngest sister recently got married an there is no one living at home any more. I also see that the younger people seem to be advancing in his company while his career seems to be stalled. I am not sur …
Struggling teenagers, Judaism, and psychotherapy
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
January 3rd, 2018
Remarks of Rav Yehoshua Eichenstein at the recent MHP Agudah conference, November 2017. Words of introduction by Rav Elya Brudny I would like to introduce Rav Yehoshua Eichenstein who you soon will have the זכות of interacting with. I was first introduced to Rav Eichenstein as a 15-year-old 12th grader. At that time, I was learning פרק מרובה in Rav Pam’s Shiur at Torah Vodaas. In those years, Yeshiva ended in June and we …
Something terrible happened. Do I need professional help?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
January 4th, 2017
Question: I was involved in a car accident two months ago. Although I fractured my arm I am boruch hashem okay. The driver of the other car was more seriously hurt and needed surgery. My friends tell me I am “traumatized” and that I talk about the accident too much. I think it's normal to be shaken up by going through such an experience. I do have trouble falling asleep at night but I don't know if it's related to …
Is Mindfulness Jewish?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
July 17th, 2017
Question: I am a working mother of 6 beautiful children bh, and I am dealing with the regular life stresses that come from parnassah, shalom bayis, and running a family etc. A friend of mine suggested something called "mindfulness" as a way to help me ease the stress. I have looked into it and am wondering if this is something that is used by the frum therapists? Also, do I need to actually see a therapist who is trained in this (which …
Tisha B'av, suffering, and Hashem's love
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
July 18th, 2018
Based on a Shiur from Rabbi Eliyahu Brudny Tisha B’av, as we all know, is a tremendous paradox. It is simultaneously a Yomtov, a fast-day, and a Yom Avel that all somehow go hand in hand. We sit on the floor like Availim and then, based on the Pasuk of "Koro Aloi Moed", we omit several sad parts of davening including lamnatzeiach, tachanun, or tzidkoscha tzedek. This is such a rare occurrence to have su …
Parental Alienation, Parental Estrangement, and the Frum Community
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
July 18th, 2023
Question: I have heard rumblings about an issue and would like to give you an opportunity to clarify it for us. Can you please explain what is "parental alienation" which I understand to mean is when a therapist instructs a client to breakoff contact with a parent. Is this something that frum therapists do? How common is something like this? Is this ever actually clinically necessary, and even if it is do you consult rabbonim on something li …