Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW A Selection Of Articles, Musings, And Information Detailing The Struggles Of The Ordinary Person; A Celebration Of The Individual's Resilience To Overcome Challenges And Live Authentically.
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Showing Results 40 - 80 (131 total)
A Couple of Things to Know About Couple Therapy
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2016-11-12 20:34:05
Couple counseling is fascinating work! If sitting in a room with one client is dynamic, imagine what it is like with two. The interesting part about couples work is that the couple, not the individuals, is the client. Sounds weird? It is a novel concept, but one that every therapist needs to bear in mind. Say I am seeing a woman for therapy and after a time, she decides she wants to bring in her husband for therapy. To work on her marriage. Soun …
The Tiger, My Cousin Esti, and a Ring: What is Resourcing?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2016-11-20 10:49:06
The great thing about being a social worker is I always have an excuse why I need to learn new things. I blame it on my clients. Which is why I felt perfectly justified skipping supper one evening and hopping into Toby's car, joining her and Chaya on their five hour trek to Boston to hear Laurel Parnell speak about attachment-based EMDR the next day. For those of you who remember, EMDR is a type of therapy that works with bilateral stimulation t …
Bad Parenting: why you need to stop generational abuse and neglect
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2016-11-28 07:40:06
Question: I grew up with a very critical father and I promised myself that I would never do that to my children. But here I am acting the same way. My children are doing well in school and I love them very much, so I am wondering if they are affected by my behavior. I know that it has affected me even though on the outside I look like a very successful teacher and parent. As a teacher, I also notice kids who seem unhappy but I don’t know i …
The Bipolar Problem
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2016-12-05 08:16:34
There are no easy answers. But what I try to do in these columns about therapy is to at least raise the questions. To build awareness. So that readers can make educated choices instead of experiencing panicked reactions. Sometimes, parents bring a teen into therapy with symptoms like decreased need for sleep, risk-taking behaviors, and racing thoughts. It is important, when a teen's behavior changes drastically—or appears to change drastic …
Stuff I Don't Know About Teens But Need to Say Anyway
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2016-12-11 13:14:49
Today I am just talking out loud. I do not have answers, only questions. I have no statistics, no research, no hard core data. I am not part of a fact-finding team, nor an expert in this field. I am simply a therapist who is working with teens and I am sad. Really, really sad. I wish I can blame someone for what is happening. Parents would be perfect. Rebbeim or teachers. Principals or menahalim of schools and yeshivas. It would be so convenient …
What Your Therapist Knows Even When You Don't Say a Word! the here-and-now of therapy
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2016-12-18 09:18:20
My sister-in-law, who I love dearly, meets me on the street. “We were just talking about you,” she tells me, “and this is what we want to know. Do you analyze people? I mean, like when you meet friends, or me, on the street?” I laughed. And I told her the truth. No, I don't do that. And I also told her the absolute truth about me. That I am seriously the worst person to be a social worker. Because therapy is all about rea …
Keeping Up the Reputation (even if you don't have one)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2016-12-25 07:10:14
When I was in the parshah of shidduchim, you would think that my chosson would be impressed with my credentials as being a BJJ graduate. But he was not. He had no idea that there was anything prestigious about it because he was from Eretz Yisroel and as far as he knew, my seminary was housed in the Bais Yaakov and that meant that I learned in the zoo. Literally. Because in my days, the Bais Yaakov building was adjacent to the Biblical Zoo (which …
Vamoosing on Vacation
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-01-01 10:01:09
We felt like kids again. When we walked in to our writing workshop one evening, our group leader had pulled out her sand tray and displayed a variety of miniatures for us to work with a la sand play therapy. “Create your vacation,” she urged us at the end of our workshop, and we did. Yocheved put herself on a secluded beach, a book near her, some food, and as she pondered the little menchies, debated whether or not her children were …
Money, Money, Money
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-01-10 23:09:51
You know what is the hardest thing to talk about in therapy? Money. Weird, no? But true. Clients will talk about anything, and I mean anything, but when it comes to money, they suddenly clam up. As a therapist, I need to look out for those money secrets. Because not always do I read minds and when I do not read my client's mind, I do not realize that when is happening in front of me is all about money. You want to know what I am talking about? T …
A Top Shidduch: Between client and therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-01-17 08:59:26
It's a shidduch. Plain and simple. And you got to do your research before walking into it. Or, before walking out of it. Therapist and client. And sometimes you have to be your own matchmaker. I reached out to my Nefesh listserv and asked 700 hundred therapists from around the United States, Canada and Israel to comment on what they think is important for a client to know about her therapist before committing to therapy. Even after they have a …
My Daughter Doesn't Want to Date: a parent asks the therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-01-23 08:46:04
Question: Our daughter finished seminary and she says she does not want to meet any prospective shidduchim yet. We have never had an easy time with her. She doesn't communicate to us and is often in a bad mood, although she does have friends and seems fine with them. We have two daughters directly underneath her and we don't have the luxury of waiting until she claims she will be ready, which we are afraid may be never. She doesn't seem to have …
My Daughters Hate Each Other: a parent asks a therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-01-29 13:02:21
Q. My fifteen year old is driving my twelve year daughter crazy (let me call them Esti and Faige, respectively). Although they never got along, this year has been the worst. Faige is a very easy going, sweet girl and Esti is demanding and always complaining. Esti complains that Faige doesn't help at home, or that Faige is bothering her (which is hard to believe especially when I don't see Faige doing anything), or any number of things she can th …
When Force is a GOOD FORCE: getting the reluctant client into therapy
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-02-05 00:30:29
They come into my office and they stonewall me. You know who I mean. You know what I mean. The teenager who sits in the chair, grumpy. Refusing to engage. Like, “You dragged me here and I am here, but don't even think I am going to do anything else in here.” Yep. And the spouses—usually the husband—who acts the same way. And that's when they actually come into the therapy room. What about all those children, teens, and ad …
Rabbis in Therapy
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-02-12 10:59:05
I am warning you right off that I am going to sound real religious in this column. So if you are totally not interested, you can skip this article right now. It's fine. I will wait for you to leave so I can get on with writing this for other girls who are not scared off by religious stuff. Or religious people. Especially therapists (gasp!). Are you gone yet? What are you still doing here? Hanging around pretending you are reading something else? …
Should I Buy A Summer Home? ask the therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-02-19 09:04:58
Question: I know this is a funny question to ask now when it's in the middle of the winter, but I need to make a decision now about the summer. We want to buy a summer home in a new bungalow colony that is opening up in the Catskills, but I am worried. In general, I do not have friends, and I had a hard time making friends in high school. My children are outgoing, like my husband, and are begging me to go. I do not have sisters and my mother, wh …
When We Are Betrayed by Teachers and Mentors
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-02-28 20:27:34
I love teachers. I was a teacher for loads of years before I became a therapist. Sometimes I was a great teacher, sometimes lousy. I loved my students to pieces. I found them funny and interesting and lively and smart. I also found them a handful. They exhausted me, challenged me, irritated me. I miss the classroom. I miss the passion and excitement and butterflies in my stomach from sheer nervousness of walking int o a classroom loaded with tee …
My Parents Favor My Siblings: an adult child asks the therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-03-05 13:58:35
Question: I always felt my mother favored my other siblings over me This sounds so silly, especially because I am now married with my own children who I love very, very much,. I just felt she loved me less than everyone else. She didn't seem so interested in my life, I felt criticized often, and even today, I feel she gives my children less attention than their cousins. I feel very hurt and I wonder why it's like this and if I can change anythin …
(Angry) Letters in Response to: When We are Betrayed by Teachers and Mentors
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-03-13 23:23:57
From: Sent: Monday, December 05, 2016 5:15 PM To: Mindy Blumenfeld
Subject: Question for therapy column Hi! Since I'm a teacher and sometimes act like a therapist to some of the teenagers I teach; I was very excited with the column you wrote this week! I teach in a school were the most of the girls are going through really tough challenges and struggling with yiddeshkeit at the same time. Some girls became really close to me and call/t …
Therapize me, therapize me not: a partial response to angry letters
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-03-19 09:01:55
To my darling, dearest readers...even the ones who hate me and send your angry letters straight to the editor with specific instructions to fire me as a Binah columnist...I love you all. You make my life exciting and varied and keep me on my toes! The flood of emails in response to my column “Therapize me, Therapize me not: when teachers and mentors betray us” validated the purpose of the column. Thank you teachers who acknowledged t …
Therapy Shmerapy: My new book!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-03-23 15:10:35
In THERAPY, SHMERAPY; Demysifying Therapy Even for Those Who Don't Need It, you are in for a revealing session behind the closed doors of the therapy room. As a popular columnist, therapist Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW, has been dazzling her audience in Binah Magazine and on her blog. Here is the real story of therapy: honest, eye-opening, sharp, and often funny. In this collection of thought-provoking essays you will find out what is therapy; who need …
Therapize me, therapize me not: here's my response to Mentor Betrayals
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-03-26 14:15:25
Did I ever mention how I love controversy? Nah, right? Did I ever mention how much I love all my readers? The ones who turn to my column first each Monday morning, but especially the ones who hate my columns but somehow, even if they refuse to read them, have astonishing x-ray vision that allows them access to my articles enough to write angry letters to me and to my editors about them. Yep, I love you all. And really, I respect you even more. F …
When a Father Dies, and so Does the Passover Seder
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-04-02 14:10:40
This beautiful piece was written by my teen client who allowed me a glimpse into her pain, and wanted to share it so that others can understand the impact of a father-loss. Pesach is probably the hardest time for a fatherless family. Because it's all about the father and the child and the seder. Here are her words: Originally published in Binah Magazine Totty. Dark, untidy frizzes border his soft, pale face. He is my father…..my dear fath …
I'm So Depressed (or am I just sad?)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-04-09 22:43:16
Hang around some teenage girls and this is what you often hear: “I’m so depressed!” And that statement is usually followed by: “I just found another pimple,” or “I hate studying for tests,” or “The ice cream store didn’t have any more pistachio left.” Hang around some teenage girls at a Links Shabbos (Links is an organization that reaches out to children whose parent(s) has died) …
And They Lived Happily Ever After (Really?)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-04-16 09:58:50
Once upon a time.... And they lived happily ever after... I loved those fairy tales as a kid. Everyone waving wands and poofing here and there with spells, slaying evil witches and giants, wearing seven-league boots (whatever those were), and generally living happily ever (except for the few dead casualties). I remember lying in bed at night and knowing—just knowing—that if I believe hard enough, and I wish at just the right time …
Nothing Changed! When the family complains about the client (or therapy!)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-04-23 10:59:11
“Nothing changed,” complains the wife, the husband, the parent, the teacher, the friend, the sibling. It didn't? Because the nothing-changed—client is sitting slumped in his chair in my room wondering how on earth he can ever convince anyone that he did—that he still is—when his gargantuan efforts have gone so spectacularly unnoticed. In response to reaching out to my listserv at Nefesh International about chan …
He's Not As Religious as I Am (but I'm married to him)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-04-30 09:19:11
Question: I've seen this question asked in many different ways in different magazines, but I really have not heard a satisfactory response, so I am trying you now. My husband, who is an excellent father and husband, is just not as religous as I would want him to be. He also want me to change my standards. Skirts shorter than the four inches below the knee and longer wigs than either my or his siblings wear. He wants to know what is wrong w …
Religious or Obsessive: and other stuff about OCD
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-05-07 17:47:20
It's horrible. It's frustrating, crippling, disabling, devastating, incapacitating, life-impairing. Should I go to the thesaurus to find more adjectives, or have I gotten my message across adequately? I am talking about OCD. Obsessive-compulsive disorder. We joke about it cavalierly. As if we mean it, but we really don't. “I am OCD about making supper every night for my kids.” “Her house is OCD clean.” “I am …
Am I happy or content (really, who cares?)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-05-14 22:08:02
Once upon a time.... And they lived happily ever after... I loved those fairy tales as a kid. Everyone waving wands and poofing here and there with spells, slaying evil witches and giants, wearing seven-league boots (whatever those were), and generally living happily ever (except for the few dead casualties). I remember lying in bed at night and knowing—just knowing—that if I believe hard enough, and I wish at just the right time …
Saying Hello, Saying Goodbye: Transitioning to Change
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-05-21 11:00:17
At my twelfth grade graduation, I was sandwiched in between two very funny and fun girls. And we clowned around a whole night, laughing, poking fun at the graduation, shmoozing, and generally waiting for this king of all the boring classes we had to sit through in high school finally come to an end, releasing us to the freedom of---hmmm. Releasing us to the freedom of what? But forget about that for now. It's the fact that graduation was pretty …
To My Teenage Fans: here's an article for you
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-05-28 08:53:05
NOTE: This is the introductory article I wrote for my new column in Binah's Teen Magazine, Twirl that comes out quarterly. It's about relationships and has a bit of therapy in it... People think that because I am a therapist, I should know everything. My kids totally crack up that people think I know anything because I am their mother and they know that I know nothing. Obviously my kids are teenagers. So this column is to check out what I …
When I Was a Nobody: followers and leaders
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-06-04 15:08:51
The year is ending. College. Seminary. High School. Novices as work or internships. And the question is: will you lead with what you know or will you be a follower forever? Thirty years ago, entering seminary in Eretz Yisroel, I remember the incredibly liberating feeling of being a nobody. I had been accepted (by the skin of my teeth) to a prestigious seminary in Yerushalayim and I was surrounded by the G.O presidents of every school, the …
Middle Sister, Monkey in the Middle: another article for my teen readers
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-06-11 17:25:26
I'm assuming that because you read my first column about sister relationships, you and your sister have worked everything out by now. Gasp! You didn't? So let's talk some more about that. And the reason I can talk about it is because I have two sisters. That makes me an expert on sisters. One of my sisters is seven years younger than me and one of them is seven years older. I also have a brother stuck in someplace, but this article is about sist …
If You Are Leader or Follower
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-06-18 08:41:44
Let me tell you about a terrible thing I once did as a teacher. I worked for a kiruv school at one point, teaching junior high school to students who were mostly first and second generation immigrants of various countries. There was a silent hierarchy that had evolved in which second generation immigrant students held first generation immigrants in contempt. Worst off were the children who themselves were immigrants. The children had absolutely …
When a Father is Missing: (dead or alive)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-06-25 07:46:12
Mothers have been getting a bad rap in my column. The borderline. The narcissist. And I think it’s about time we give everybody equal opportunity here and let the guys be bashed for once. Heads up all you males who read my columns; this one’s about you! Yes, there are borderline fathers. Most certainly there are narcissistic fathers. There are plenty of lousy fathers (a round of applause out there to the fathers who are doing a prett …
I'm in Therapy: How Do I Honor My Parents (and do I even want to?)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-07-03 10:26:47
Dear Mindy, Your weekly insights brought forth a question which has been niggling me for a while. Several of your articles, including the ones regarding BPD mothers and the one on attachment have left me wondering Does the topic of Kibbud Horim (the commandment of honoring one's parents) ever reach the therapy room? It appears as if most, if not all, adults who enter therapy have some sort of childhood scar/issue which comes up through the course …
Ungrateful Child, Look How Much I Do for You! : The Narcissistic Mother Part I
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-07-10 23:44:01
Shabbat is here. Mothers all over the world are cleaning, cooking, inviting married children, and babysitting grandchildren. Some are overworked, some are harried, some are a little frustrated at their married children who leave plates in the sink and let their children run wild at six in the morning. But overall, the home feels warm and inviting, the grandchildren loved and cossetted. & …
The Ungrateful Child Fights Back: The Narcissistic Parent Part 2
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-07-16 21:47:11
So how was your Shabbos? Didn't know you had a narcissistic mother, did you? Or spouse? Or somebody-or-other in your life? Until you read Part 1 of the Narcissistic Mother in my column. And now you are blown away with understanding what you have lived with until now. Why you have always blamed yourself, lost confid …
My Sister's Oven and The Challenge of Change: A Shabbos Nachamu thought
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-07-30 23:26:33
Did I ever tell you about my sister's oven? There's not much to tell except that her oven is about a hundred years old, inherited from the previous owners of her bungalow upstate, and the only way to close the oven is by closing the metal latch. You know which latch I mean. The same hook and eye that is used in the …
I Am Back
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-09-16 21:20:04
To all my readers, My apologies to all of you who emailed to me and contacted me one way or another to let me know how much you missed my blog and wondered when I would post again. Due to extenuating circumstances, I was unable to post consistently and so did not. However, as of this week, my blog will be attended to weekly as in the past. Thank you all for letting me know how much you cared it went AWOL. It won't happen again. Mindy …
Rosh Hashonah Again: Didn't we do this last year?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-09-16 21:22:03
People stop me all the time. Like, I am minding my own business while picking out tomatoes at the fruit store, and I meet a friend. She launches into a whole story about her sister's friend's mother's eighteen year old daughter who is having problems in hashkafah and she desperately needs my advice how to get that girl to agree to therapy. Now, how am I going to do that while I am trying to choose tomatoes for tonight's salad? I wish I can creat …
My Daughter Hates Helping: Nu, what else is new in parenting?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-09-23 21:36:48
Question: I am tearing my hair out from my youngest, teenage daughter. She is the only daughter left at home except for two younger brothers and another away at yeshiva. She does well in school socially and academically, and we are a close family. Lately she is giving me a hard time that she doesn’t want my married children to move in for Shabbos. This girl does not do a thing throughout the week. I rarely ask for her help with household c …
Why Do People Become Sheeple?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-10-02 21:00:51
My daughter called me from her seminary in Israel. “As the only chassidish girl in seminary,” she informed me, “probably the only chassidishe girl these seminary girls have ever met in their lives, I have become the spokesperson for all of chassidish women in the world.” I laughed. “I need to explain everything to them,” she said. “Whatever I do that’s different, they need to understand. So whateve …
Back to School: Teenage Angst
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-10-15 05:28:42
I don’t know about you, but I was always excited to start the first day of school. I loved my new shoes and new bag and new uniform (yep, I always loved uniforms because I did not have to think about what I had to wear. I personally hate shopping and would think it great if I could wear a mommy-uniform every day. Well, actually I do. Because my married daughter says, “Ma! You are still wearing that outfit from a hundred years ago? Yo …
Not Missing My Mother: Good Grief!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-10-22 16:17:17
Originally written for LINKS MAGAZINE, published by LINKS, and organization that supports orphans in our community: Dear Links, As I laugh at some of your stories and as I tear at some others, I think. I find them amusing. I also find them angering and hurtful. Every story is about how you miss your deceased parent. I don't miss my mother. Sometimes I do. When there's a simcha or on her Yahrtzeit. But otherwise, there's no sad feel …
If Life is Better, Why Am I Feeling Worse?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-10-29 17:03:33
So here is the deal. Your mother was sick. Stuff was tough. The house was upside down, your house was a hospital, take-out food was lousy. Everyone snapping all day at each other. Or it was different. Still terrible, but a different kind of terrible. Your father died suddenly. A car accident or a heart attack or an aneurysm. And the house was nuts even if the food at shiva was delicious. Thousands of people suffocating you, your friends mute and …
Teletherapy: Whattsap, Gmail, Skype, Zoom, and other funny words
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-11-06 13:34:30
Telehealth. Telepractice. Teletherapy. New Age words for New Age therapy. Welcome to the modern world where not only can you shop for clothing, gadgets and shoes from the comfort of your home, but you can do the same for a therapist. You are not surprised, are you? But it is a new concept that seems quite odd at first. This article is only to educate consumers about this new medium of telehealth. Receiving your doctor's care from your home or …
Rude Trading Cards: an angry grandparent asks the therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-11-13 10:49:39
Question: I am extremely annoyed at my daughter, my oldest married child. Lately, her boys have been coming home from cheder with these trading cards that basically preach against having a smart phone. Each card has a cartoon on it, words, or otherwise indicate reasons why not to have a smart phone. First of all, I find these cards extremely disrespectful. Some pictures, for example, have white-bearded religious looking men using a smart phone, …
Therapist & Client: Relationship Ruptures & Repair
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-11-18 21:48:47
In another lifetime, I was a seventh grade teacher. Over the course of the years, there were two students I felt I had wronged and bided my time, seeking an opportunity to set things right. When the two of them had graduated twelfth grade, I tracked them both down and apologized for my youth, my inexperience, my mistakes, and for the impact of my actions. Both seemed indifferent to my apologies, and I still wonder if there is something I can do. …
Part 2: Therapist & Client: Relationship Ruptures & Repair
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-11-26 16:52:14
Mistakes happen. Therapists mess up. If you are asking me if it’s okay for a therapist to make a mistake, to mess up; my answer may get you angry. So before I write the answer, I ask you to hang on until the end of this article so you can understand. Ready? The answer? Yes. It is okay for a therapist to make a mistake. Hold on! You promised you would give me until the end of this column before getting angry! And here’s why. …
What Type of Husband Does My Daughter Really Need?: A parent asks the therapist
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-12-02 19:11:16
Question: This past bein hazmanim has been the first time we were actively involved in shidduchim for our oldest daughter who has just returned from seminary and it sounds terrible to say but I am relieved that she did not get engaged. It was a nightmare. Although my wife and I have a different way of looking at things, for the most part, until this parshah of shidduchim, we have managed to work things out. But I don't know how we will navigate …
Choosing a Kallah Teacher for Your Daughter: a former kallah teacher speaks
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-12-09 23:13:22
I used to be a Kallah teacher, before I became a therapist. I found this article in my files, never published. I know that I tried to publish it in many venues only to have it turned down repeatedly. I assume that it is because no publication felt comfortable with such information in a public forum. This article is a little rough around the edges, but the content remains relevant today as it was ten years ago when I wrote it. So here it is: …
When Death Can Be Deadly
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-12-17 10:19:25
The moment we are are born, we are already one second closer to our deaths. Which is why it seems to make little sense that we live in denial that it will occur, or we strive strenuously to avoid any reminder or sense of it. We speak of it in hushed tones, we think we must shield children from it, we quiet the voices in our head by pretending moisturizer or botox or a new car will save us from the inevitable. When I was a new therapist in pri …
My Daughter Hates Helping!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-12-25 21:20:49
Question: I am tearing my hair out from my youngest, teenage daughter. She is the only daughter left at home except for two younger brothers and another away at yeshiva. She does well in school socially and academically, and we are a close family. Lately she is giving me a hard time that she doesn’t want my married children to move in for Shabbos. This girl does not do a thing throughout the week. I rarely ask for her help with household c …
Dreams and Dreamers: Is that you?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2017-12-31 17:20:29
Confession here. Usually when I write a column, it is about therapy stuff that I know. And know well. Stuff that I have studied, stuff that I practice, things that I am seriously invested in. Today, I am going to talk about something I know nothing about. To be perfectly honest, the subject fascinates me, intrigues me, entices me. But yet, even though I three books on dreams in my office, including Sigmund Freud's epic work, The Interpretation o …
The Screaming Sister-in-Law: What to do?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-01-07 15:57:37
QUESTION: I have a sister in law who is an outgoing and loving person. She's the type who many of my sisters in law call when they need validation-- she really listens well. She also really listens to her kids (or so it seems!) many times and makes sure they get all the help they need. However, she has a serious anger issues. I'm older than her and it seems to be that I'm the only one that sees its detrimental effects on her children …
Angry Responses to My Response of the Screaming Sister-in-Law
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-01-14 17:21:55
My column on the screaming sister in law garnered a heated response. Here is the one that was furious at me, and the rest who were furious at the letter writer for not understanding the pain of a child. Any comments from you? Dear Mindy
Your articles are always informative, interesting , edifying , enlightening ,and self effacing . I've seen you write so many wise observations , you are obviously accomplished and very talented -both …
What's the Deal with the Egocentric Person in my Life?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-01-20 21:59:08
Relationships.
If you want to know the number one reason people enter therapy, it’s because of relationships. Sure, they will tell you they are having panic attacks. They will talk about hating school. You will hear the struggle to find a job, to get accepted to seminary, to find a shidduch, to be organized, overcome trauma, or dozens and dozens other presenting issues with which people enter therapy. But do some digging, and everythi …
Egocentricism: Part 2 Because there is so much more to say!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-01-28 12:11:35
In Part 1 of my column on egocentrism in relationships, I had written that when people have difficulties in relationships, I assess for egocentrism in either of the two people involved in the relationship (whether in my client or the other) in order to help my client manage this difficult relationship successfully. Do you know how easily I can assess that? Here's the secret. If a person says, “I don't understand my rebellious son/unfriendly …
Should My Daughter Work in an Office?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-02-03 22:31:54
Question: A while back you wrote a column about going to work in an office versus teaching. Can you address the issues that can occur in an office? If my daughter doesn’t care where she works, in an office or in a school, is there a reason to guide her towards teaching rather than an office that may not be a good place for a frum girl? I am asking this question because we live in a community where the girls are not encouraged to go on to s …
Mrs. Shirley Sokol: My Second Grade Teacher
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-02-10 22:22:51
If you happen to be in Mrs. Sokol's house, and want to poke around, I will bet the letter I sent her over forty years is somewhere there still. And the note I left on her desk will be hanging in her kitchen. And if you tell her I send my regards, she will know exactly who I am, even if I write under a pseudonym. Mrs. Sokol was my second grade teacher in Rabbi Balkany's school over forty years ago, in the building on 14th Avenue, that now b …
Please join our Mrs. Sokol fan club chat
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-02-10 22:24:16
To all of you who were students or colleagues or friends of Mrs. Sokol, I am reaching out to you to give back to Mrs. Shirley Sokol only a fraction of what she gave to us. Mrs. Sokol, as interesting and intelligent as ever, unfortunately has retired from teaching because of her health. She has impaired vision today and can no longer read. For someone used to learning every second of her life, not being able to read is devastating. We are putting …
About Grandmothers: for my teen audience
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-02-18 12:11:51
“Mindy,” I am sure you wondering, “Why are you writing articles on how relationships matter when you sound like you were pretty awful at relationships when you were a kid?” That is a great questions! My mother and my older sister, and my younger sister, and my brother, and my cousins who live in Israel and America, and my aunts and uncles, and all the kids on my block, and all their parents, and the kids in my classes fro …
Costume Clashes! Parenting Problems on Purim
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-02-27 16:15:59
Question: We have three sons and then three daughters ranging in ages ten years to ten months. Our middle son who is eight wants to choose a costume with a secular theme for Purim. My husband and I feel that contradicts the message of Purim, which is not to assimilate with the non-Jewish culture. This child is a strong-minded, opinionated child and we do not want to necessarily begin a battle over this, but we feel it will be the first of many s …
It's NOT About You: a parent asks about her child's social life
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-03-04 20:40:58
Question: My daughter is twelve. She is one of three classmates on the block who have always played together. Two years ago, Girl A started convincing Girl B not to play with my daughter. They started sneaking away from her, or suddenly having to go in when she tried to join them. The advice I got made me dizzy. One person told me she should foster a relationship with Girl B, but she was only getting hurt. Another advised me to ignore them, but …
My Wife the Pesach Problem
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-03-11 23:02:53
Question: My wife and I have a fairly good marriage, with the normal ups and downs of life. Our first (and only) newly married couple is coming for the first days of Pesach and I am dreading it. My wife is extremely stressed out every yom tov and I hate the tension of her frantic cleaning and endless attention to detail. She also insists on keeping the minhagim of her parents' home even though my parents are much more lax in their Pesach minhagi …
Holiday Brat: for my teen fans!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-03-18 12:05:11
NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE'S TEEN'S TWIRL Because you are stuck here listening to me, I am going to tell you all about my niece who was the most absolutely adorable baby you have ever met in your whole entire life (no, I am not interested in your niece because there is no way anyone can ever compare with mine). She was deliciously fat, honey curls on her head, and a button nose perfect for kissing. I shlepped her …
Life Coaching? Not on your life!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-03-25 16:39:02
I will say it straight out. Today's column is to explain why you should choose a therapist over a life coach except for in a few very specific situations (which you will find more to the end of this page). Yes, I am a therapist. Yes, I have very strong feelings about this. Yes, I know some excellent life coaches. Yes, I know some lousy therapists. And yes, I will say it again, and again, and again. If you need a therapist, choose to work with …
Angry Responses: Life Coaching Revisited
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-04-09 09:41:02
Life Coaching vs Therapy READERS RESPOND The facts and viewpoints presented in Mindy Blumenfeld’s article on life coaching vs. therapy were sound, but the title was distracting, as it screamed “Opinion! Never ever! Non-discussion!” I had to delete that from my mind in order to go back and actually concentrate on the discussion presented. As someone who goes to both therapy and coaching, and as someone who is trained as a coach …
My Final Response About Life Coaches
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-04-14 20:50:34
My response: I am glad that one reader who insists that people should be able to choose a nurse or doctor as needed chooses from 2 licensed practitioners and not between a nurse or, say, a healer. I am also glad that that the writer who insists that one's personal ethics is all that matters, when we live in times where personal ethics and morals have been changing with alarming frequency and results, I would not advocate relying on personal ethi …
Jokes or Judgment (something a little different this time)
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-04-21 22:45:35
“Being a teenager is like the chicken pox,” my teenage son observed watching his teenage sister's theatrics in the days before the chicken pox vaccine; and the way to become inoculated was to actually catch it; “everyone has to go through it.” *** A friend stood in front of the mirror before her date was coming to pick her up, applying lipstick to her cheeks because she realized she had run out of blusher and needed somet …
Is It Okay to Give My Therapist a Gift?
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-04-29 16:39:30
Exposure therapy here. At least, I will be exposing myself to all my readers. But hey, it's the least I can do when all the other times I am exposing other therapists, therapy itself, and other stuff to my loyal (and not-so-loyal) public. What's this about, you want to know? Gift-giving. And gift-getting. Now that the end of the year is upon us, and clients all over the world are pondering whether or not they should be giving their therapists …
Keeping Cancer a Secret
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-05-06 15:06:07
QUESTION: My mother was just diagnosed with cancer. She wants me to keep it a secret from everyone except my husband, who she trusts won't say anything if he is sworn to secrecy. She says that she doesn't want to become a pity case, and that for Hashem to make the miracle of her cure happen, nobody is allowed to know about it (because Hashem does not make open miracles). Of course, my father knows, too. This is creating a terrible burden on me. …
Grandfathers are NOT Chopped Liver: another one for my teen readers
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-05-13 09:55:56
Grandfathers have been really annoyed at me since my last column in Binah's Twirl Magazine where I write my quarterly column of “Relationships Matter.” Some have said, “Hey, Mindy, you spent a whole column writing about grandmothers. What are we, chopped liver?” I have no idea how my column about grandparents, ended up being only about grandmothers, because the truth is, I adored both my grandfathers to pieces (although t …
Therapeutic Relationships and surprising stuff you might want to know!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-05-27 10:04:07
Here's another one, People. Yep. Another column about the therapeutic relationship. Because I went to this phenomenal workshop a couple of weeks back and as I was listening to the John Norcross speak (he wrote some great books on the therapeutic relationships), I thought, “Hey, clients should be hearing this!” (Have you ever noticed that whenever I attend a workshop, a column about what I learned emerges? Not only are you getting fre …
My Daughter is Coming Home from Seminary in Israel: Help!
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-06-03 07:11:40
Question: My oldest daughter is coming back from seminary and I am feeling a huge amount of anxiety about it. She doesn't know what she wants to do and I don't know what she should do. I really think she should go to one of the colleges where she can get a degree in one year and had tried to convince her to take those tests for credits when she was in high school but she refused. Now she is undecided and seems paralyzed (like me) about her choic …
Relationships Matter: Meet Tante Reitzu
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-06-09 21:49:23
Ready to talk about a relationship that is pretty neat — if only you let it happen? Great. Here goes. So first of all, in the olden days, before indoor plumbing and cars, when I was a little kid (just kidding! But it was a pretty long time ago when I was a kid!), aunts and uncles were really special. I was born about 20 years after the Holocaust ended and family was really important. Most of my friends came from small families that origi …
Summer Sore Loser: How to help you daughter this summer
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-06-17 18:45:22
WRITTEN FOR TWIRL, BINAH MAGAZINE'S TEEN SUBSECTION Cheaters are the worst kinds of people. So are sore losers. Cheaters and sore losers. Whether you are sleep away camp or day camp, you know exactly who I mean. Those girls that need to cheat to win every game. Those girls who are the biggest sore losers if they don't. I mean what is their pro-o-o-blem? So what if they are out at jumprope? So what if they are out at machayanim—or dodgeball …
Love Addiction, Love Obsession: a short story
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-07-01 07:58:50
“Oh my goodness!” Chava exclaimed when she chanced upon Eva in the supermarket aisle, their overloaded carts bumping into each other between the cereals and cornflake crumbs. “How have you been?” “What's it been?” asked Eva, conveying her delight in meeting Chava. “Nine years since I graduated high school?” “More like forever!” joked Chava. “Where have been at all these years …
Is It Okay for My Therapist to Give ME a Gift? Part 2 about Gifting
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-07-07 22:15:21
So I am writing my column on the ethics of a therapist accepting gifts from clients. And like I had written, I was really sure that it is unethical to accept gifts. Until I did some research for my column, and unbelievably, not only is it not unethical to accept gifts from clients (of course under the right circumstances as explained in my article), but not accepting gifts can be really bad therapy. And that is unethical. And because I l …
Green Grass, Green Envy: The nature of people
Author: Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW
2018-07-14 22:00:36
Question: Every Shabbos Nachamu, my entire neighborhood leaves to the Catskill Mountains. They go to family or friends who have bungalows or summer homes there. It’s very hard for me to stay home with my family when I know that my sister-in-law has a large summer home that has plenty of room for all of us but can’t be bothered to invite us. In general I feel that she disdains our family for not being of her social (rich) calibe …