Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
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Money and Mental Health
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2024-04-03 12:16:58
Question: I live in a neighborhood/community where there is a big emphasis on money. It is a young neighborhood where people are just starting work, and some are making serious money and throwing it around. So there has recently become this pressure to “keep up with the Joneses.” I have a salaried job and al pi derech hateva I am not going to become a millionaire any time soon. This was always ok with me, and I didn&rsq …
How can I stop her from going OTD?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-01-18 18:36:41
Question: My 18-year-old daughter has been having issues with yiddishkeit, and seems to be moving in the wrong direction. She has had trouble with anxiety and trust issues in the past and seems generally unhappy. My other kids are being affected by her constant anger and comments. My husband and I find ourselves constantly arguing over the proper way to handle the situation, and we feel that there’s no one to whom we can turn for help …
My child is becoming obese
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-06-18 15:28:02
Question: We b'H have a wonderful almost 10-year-old son; he is a fantastic kid, smart, conscientious, studious, well-behaved. bright, a real baal middos and a budding talmid chacham. He brings us a tremendous amount of nachas. The problem, he likes to eat and has been steadily gaining since 5 years old. First, it was ten pounds, then 20, and now more each passing year. At almost 10 years old, he is 130 lbs. …
My child is not cut out for learning
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2021-08-23 16:42:18
Question: As parents of a large family, we have always thanked Hashem for the fact that our children were smart, academic, and did very well in school. While there was an occasional hiccup here and there it was nothing that a little tutoring or extra help couldn't fix. With our youngest son it seems clearer and clearer that he is a bit different. He has trouble paying attention, isn't really interested in school and seems to be that kind o …
My son terrorizes my other kids
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2023-05-24 11:15:30
Question: We have an 11 yr. old son who has been bullying his younger siblings for years. He is an intense child with a low self-esteem. He threatens them, bribes them, belittles them, embarrasses them, annoys them, and physically hurts them. He needs everything to go his way. We've spoken to him time and again about his behaviors and he's aware of what he's doing and that it’s not ok. We've punished and threatened and explained. He do …
My Spouse's Therapist is Getting The Wrong Picture
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2022-09-28 12:34:26
Question: Here is a question I've been troubled by for a while. Many times, people will send their kid or spouse to therapy, but the kid or spouse is somewhat in denial or confused. They may see reality in a twisted way or be somewhat lying to themself or only see their side of the picture due to their emotional/mental health issue. When they sit and talk to the therapist, they are only giving over that twisted picture of real …
Night terrors
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-10-15 08:29:09
Question: My very bright, mature, lovable, happy 5-year-old son has begun to experience what I have been told is called "night terror". He is a very happy child during the day, definitely with a more intense personality, but very healthy and well-adjusted and extremely bright. At night, he will wake up in terror, screaming, cowering in the corner, looking at me or my husband with terror, eyes opened wide, with real fear, and then a few minut …
Panic attack
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2016-12-22 19:35:24
Question: This past summer I had an anxiety attack. It came as a surprise because last year I was depressed but at the beginning of the summer I made it my business to get out of the rut. And since then I’ve been very busy going to classes and having a very small business which allows me to express myself. I’ve been in therapy for about a year now and I really feel like I’m on the road to recovery, being emotionally aware and st …
Parental Alienation, Parental Estrangement, and the Frum Community
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2023-07-18 09:48:22
Question: I have heard rumblings about an issue and would like to give you an opportunity to clarify it for us. Can you please explain what is "parental alienation" which I understand to mean is when a therapist instructs a client to breakoff contact with a parent. Is this something that frum therapists do? How common is something like this? Is this ever actually clinically necessary, and even if it is do you consult rabbonim on something li …
Parnassa pressure
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-02-15 19:59:10
Question: I am the mother of a growing family, kh, and like most women today, my income is essential. Perhaps my husband is learning and I am the primary breadwinner. Or perhaps my husband is working, but his income covers basics while mine pays the tuition. Either way, the pressure that I am feeling to increase my income as more of my children enter school is crushing. The truth is that I am not cut out to be a working mother. Far fro …
Peer pressure: Good or bad?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-08-07 07:24:05
Question: Can you please give me some good guidelines on how to deal with peer pressure? I am very affected by what the people around me are doing. I don't know if it's that I'm afraid of people getting angry with me or I need to be the center of attention. I think that that is my most difficult challenge and if I could just not be afraid to be different I would be a much better person. This is a good question. You are …
Piety or Scrupulosity
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-12-10 12:11:25
Question: We have a wonderful daughter who is back from seminary, happily working and doing very well BH, but here is the concern... While my daughter was in high school she started taking on more and more chumras and started becoming more and more frum and shtark. It affected her relationship with her friends, how she dressed, what she ate, (or didn't eat), her sleep, her davening, her ability and confidence in he …
Protecting our Children
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2022-01-18 12:38:13
Question: Thank you so much for your informative column. Once again, the importance of being diligent regarding the emotional and physical safety of our children has been hammered home. I was hoping that based on your years of experience as clinicians you could offer some guidance and advice as to what we as parents and members of a community should do to best protect our children? There is much to say on this topic. One year …
Psychology and Torah: Are they compatible?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-11-04 20:27:37
Wanted to invite all to a unique conference designed to address this very issue on various levels. See the attached photo for the full program as well as the letter below. Dear Colleagues, We would like to take this opportunity to invite you to a unique conference that will iy"H take place on November 23-24 at the Agudah Convention in Stamford, Connecticut. The overall goal of this conference is to …
Purim: Simcha or Stress?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2022-03-14 21:05:48
Question: Purim in my family is always a struggle. It is a very short day and everyone has their things that they want (need?) to do. My husband has his Rov, his family, his friends, and his boss that he needs to stop by. I have my family which requires a few different stops and of course the kids have rebbiem and morahs and friends that they want to see. Last year the day turned really stressful with a big fight between my hu …
Rabbi or Therapist?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-04-23 18:56:51
Question: Our daughter has recently asked us to see (and pay for) a therapist. She says that her reasons for this are because she feels empty, without direction in life and is not finding fulfillment. She is 22 years old, has never had any issues before, had no major difficulties in life, has a good job and has always done well. My husband and I have always felt that she could be a little more sincere with her yiddishkeit. She does ever …
Rav Aharon Feldman's address
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-08-23 19:02:45
בס"ד Below are my notes of Rav Feldman's lecture to Orthodox Mental Health Professionals which took place in New York City during the summer of 2016. Rav Feldman has approved this version. All rights reserved. The lecture and subsequent Q and A covered the following topics: A Torah approach to Psychology, Validating feelings, Homosexuality, Kibud Av Vaeim, Families in distress, and Hitting children. A Torah Approach to Psycho …
Rav Elya Brudny's address
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-02-01 14:12:22
These notes are based on Rav Brudny’s remarks at the recent Agudah conference for Mental Health Professionals. Please consider any mistakes to be mine. I was officially invited to this conference to teach, as a הבאה ללמד. But when speaking to such an audience it is הבאה ללמד ונמצא למד. This Chabura deals with the tremendous pain and dysfunction out there. It is always an opportunity for gro …
Rav Reuvein Feinstein's address
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-04-21 16:56:22
בס"ד These notes are an attempt to summarize the remarks of Rav Reuven Feinstein during a question-and answer session with mental health professionals. This meeting took place ב ניסן תשע"ז in Staten Island. Please consider any mistakes to be mine. Before answering the specific שאלות, I’d like to make an introductory comment. There is a fundamental distinction between the work of a secular mental health profess …
Rav Yerucham Olshin at the recent Agudah MHP conference
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-11-30 13:18:13
Words of Chizuk from Rav Yeruchem Olshin Shlita Publicized with permission ברשות the חשובע עולם: First, I understand that you all take care of Jewish patients. Your work is about helping our brothers as the רמב"ם writes (Matnas Aniyim 10:2) כל ישראל כאחים הם. This concept is not just an isolated רמב"ם. It is also a גמרא in Daf Bais of מגילה: The Chachamim made it easy for the villa …
Scared of the Sacred
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-05-29 13:07:54
Question: I would like to get your opinion on something that has been bothering me for a long time. I am afraid to do hagba (lifting the Torah scroll). I have only done it once in my life ( with a really small Sefer Torah). I should be strong enough but I just have such a fear that I will drop it. I will usually duck out of shul when it’s time for hagbah so that the Gabbai won’t approach me for it and if I do get asked I always r …
Shidduch Info From Her Therapist?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2023-01-16 18:41:28
Question: I am dating a girl who disclosed to me that she has been seeing a therapist for the last year. She seems like a good girl and she said the things she went to therapy for are not significant. She gave me permission to speak directly with her therapist and signed a form allowing me to do so. My question/concern is how reliable will the information I get from the therapist be? Can you give me some advice on what type of questions to ask an …
Shidduchim & Medication
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2021-05-06 11:30:09
Question: My son has struggled with a kind of constant but not so severe depression for a while. He has a lot of trouble moving forward, being productive, and is often just down. He is at the age where he should be starting shidduchim and many of his friends are dating. He has been working with a therapist and had been getting better but recently is not doing as well. His therapist has suggested that he see a psychiatrist to possib …
Shidduchim and disclosing sensitive infomration
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2024-11-17 21:55:16
Question: As a teenager our son saw a therapist for a while due to some burnout/slash depression. Baruch Hashem with some adjustments to his yeshiva life and the help he received he is doing amazing and has been for a while. He is still on a low dose of medication which has worked well for him. When he tried going off, he relapsed and our consensus is that it's best for him to stay on it for now. Now that he is starting shidduchim …
Should I become a psychotherapist?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-10-16 11:05:51
Question: I am 33 years old and not finding fulfillment in my current occupation. I am considering going back to school to obtain a degree in social work. I have always been interested in helping people and people seem to gravitate to me when they need help solving a problem. I am curious as to what type of person you think makes a good therapist? What personal qualities would indicate that someone might make a good therapist? Are th …
Should I quit smoking?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-03-26 17:59:47
Question: I took my first cigarette in 9th grade. I have been smoking steadily for the past 15 years. If I am honest I realize that it is a big health risk but that doesn’t seem to motivate me to stop. I guess I kind of “want to want” to stop. It certainly would make my wife and parents happy. My question is 1. Do you have any suggestions as to how to become more motivated to quit? 2. Are there any specific methods th …
Should we talk to kids about weed?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2020-12-12 22:39:04
Question: The unfortunate reality is that marijuana use is becoming increasingly less taboo in society. This has been driven home by the recent vote in NJ to legalize its use. Until recently it never would have crossed my mind as something I need to worry about with my children. However, with its increased prevalence in society, I am starting to wonder if this is something I need to discuss with my kids? Do you think this is something I should ha …
Shyness & Social Anxiety: When is it a problem?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-04-30 16:06:58
Social Anxiety and Shyness in children: When is it a problem? When observing children, what often appears as social anxiety, is, in fact, age-appropriate behavior without necessitating too much concern from parents. See below for some distinctions between ordinary shyness and social anxiety. Leah Stern is concerned about her 6-year-old daughter, Chanala. When Mrs. Stern meets a friend in public, Chanala hides behin …
Sleep terrors
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
Something terrible happened. Do I need professional help?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-01-04 13:33:31
Question: I was involved in a car accident two months ago. Although I fractured my arm I am boruch hashem okay. The driver of the other car was more seriously hurt and needed surgery. My friends tell me I am “traumatized” and that I talk about the accident too much. I think it's normal to be shaken up by going through such an experience. I do have trouble falling asleep at night but I don't know if it's related to …
Spanking children?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-12-24 22:53:47
Question: I am worried about how my husband interacts with our children. Most of the time he is great but when he is stressed out he can really be difficult. He yells a lot and on occasion hits (potches) the children. He says there is nothing wrong with that and that it was never considered wrong for a father to potch and is part of chinuch. I think it's horrible and will ruin the children emotionally. Can you please settle this issue for us.&nbs …
Struggling teenagers, Judaism, and psychotherapy
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-01-03 10:01:04
Remarks of Rav Yehoshua Eichenstein at the recent MHP Agudah conference, November 2017. Words of introduction by Rav Elya Brudny I would like to introduce Rav Yehoshua Eichenstein who you soon will have the זכות of interacting with. I was first introduced to Rav Eichenstein as a 15-year-old 12th grader. At that time, I was learning פרק מרובה in Rav Pam’s Shiur at Torah Vodaas. In those years, Yeshiva ended in June and we …
Suicides Have Increased: Is This an Existential Crisis?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-07-04 13:17:12
I wanted to share excerpts from this New York Times article by Clay Routledge. It touches on many important themes including the role of meaning, community, contributing, family, and religion. I touched on some of these themes in the following blogposts. https://nefesh.org/ChaimNeuhoff/footsteps-ii.html. Related to the loneliness and despair of those who have left Orthodoxy. https://nefesh.org/ChaimNeuhoff/a …
Supportive psychotherapy
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2021-04-05 11:05:00
Question: I am wondering if therapy can help a person who is in a difficult situation that can’t be changed. I understand if someone is depressed with life therapy can help them feel better but if someone is dealing with a reality that is bad is there a point of going to therapy? I understand the question is broad, but I would prefer not to go into my own personal details. Either way there are many such examples, financial, familial, medica …
Talking to children about death
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-02-21 18:29:15
Question: My mother-in-law has been fighting a very serious illness for the last few years. At this time the doctors say that they have no more treatments to offer her. I don't think my husband really accepts the implications of this. My children have always had a close relationship with their grandmother and are always asking when she is going to get better. We have been very positive throughout this but now I am not sure how to approach it with …
The Novominsker Rebbe's address
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-03-14 20:57:59
בס"ד Remarks of the Novominsker Rebbe (Rabbi Yaakov Perlow) at the recent MHP Agudah conference, November 2017. Words of introduction from Rabbi Chaim Dovid Zwiebel ברשות the Rebbe שליט"א and ברשות the wonderful people who have gathered today. You are dedicated professionals who continue on a daily basis to make such a tremendous difference on our communities and on the world around us. When I was growing up, this idea of Mental …
Tisha B'av, suffering, and Hashem's love
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-07-18 12:25:12
Based on a Shiur from Rabbi Eliyahu Brudny Tisha B’av, as we all know, is a tremendous paradox. It is simultaneously a Yomtov, a fast-day, and a Yom Avel that all somehow go hand in hand. We sit on the floor like Availim and then, based on the Pasuk of "Koro Aloi Moed", we omit several sad parts of davening including lamnatzeiach, tachanun, or tzidkoscha tzedek. This is such a rare occurrence to have su …
Trichotillomania & Therapy
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-03-09 09:13:53
Question: I am a teenage girl who bh has many things going for her; I have a great, loving family, plenty of friends, good grades and all in all I am very happy. I do suffer from trichotillomania (I pull out my hair). But just to make it clear those that don't know would not be able to tell, My friends know and really don't think it to it, it really has no effect on my life. Do you think it is necessary to go for therapy or do whatever it ta …
Unlicensed therapists
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2019-01-14 10:48:16
Question: My sister-in-law sees an unlicensed therapist. This concerns me and I asked my sister-in-law about it who assured me that the therapist has very solid training and good results and she is happy with her. This doesn't sound right or ethical to me, but I am not sure what to do, if anything. I would appreciate the thoughts of the panel members. It is impossible to comment on your sister-in-law as well as o …
Which career is right for me?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-05-22 14:43:49
Question: The time has come in my life for me to make a parnassah to support my family. I am having a difficult time choosing what career path I would like to take and what field I want to get involved in. I am generally not a person that has a hard time making up his mind but I can’t seem to settle on something that I think I would be good at and interested in. Someone mentioned that therapists are trained in career counseling so …
Why do frum people pursue alternative treatments?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2021-03-08 16:58:53
Question: My sister has a difficult time with her 2 of her children. They are socially awkward, struggle in school and seem to me to be very anxious. Whenever they go through something difficult, she seems to quickly find a "medical" related reason why whatever is happening is happening. One time it's strep, one time PANDAS, or Lyme disease or whatever else. She runs around from doctor to doctor getting all sorts of treatments for them. Non …
Why do teenagers sleep late?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-11-13 11:55:51
Question: I am an older teenager. Can you please explain to me why some people have such a hard time waking up in the morning? This is something I constantly struggle with and I never am able to beat it. Oversleeping is something that is constantly getting in the way of my aliyah. It also really annoys my parents and rabbiem. I wouldn't say it just has to do with going to sleep late because I have friends who go to sleep really late and sti …
Why is therapy so expensive?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2021-06-03 13:40:15
Question: I have a question which I hope you can help me with. I'm looking for a new therapist, one that is in-network and takes my insurance. I am doing a ton of research, calling up therapists and clinics, but I keep bumping into the money issue. I just hung up with yet another therapist that didn't work out, and I'm honestly feeling helpless, hopeless and demoralized. Is this how the system is going to work? Is mo …
Why is therapy so in?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-05-14 13:01:16
Question: I am wondering if you can help with the following question that I frequently wonder about. Why is there more of a need for therapists today than a generation or two ago? Somehow we managed fine in the past. I am not, chas v'shalom, against therapists, especially those who follow Da'as Torah. I am just seeking to understand.
Very intriguing question, one that deserves serious coverage. For the purpose …
Yiras Shomayim or OCD?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2016-12-28 11:58:54
Question: I am a tenth grade Rebbe in a local mesivta. I am concerned that one of the bochurim in my shiur may have OCD. He is a very good bochur and does very well, but is shy and seems very anxious about his grades. I noticed recently that he spends a very long time putting on ( and taking off) his teffilin. At least 10 minutes. He is constantly adjusting them during davening. He also takes a very long time davening. How do I know the differenc …