Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
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My son terrorizes my other kids
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2023-05-24 11:15:30
Question: We have an 11 yr. old son who has been bullying his younger siblings for years. He is an intense child with a low self-esteem. He threatens them, bribes them, belittles them, embarrasses them, annoys them, and physically hurts them. He needs everything to go his way. We've spoken to him time and again about his behaviors and he's aware of what he's doing and that it’s not ok. We've punished and threatened and explained. He do …
My child is not cut out for learning
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2021-08-23 16:42:18
Question: As parents of a large family, we have always thanked Hashem for the fact that our children were smart, academic, and did very well in school. While there was an occasional hiccup here and there it was nothing that a little tutoring or extra help couldn't fix. With our youngest son it seems clearer and clearer that he is a bit different. He has trouble paying attention, isn't really interested in school and seems to be that kind o …
My child is becoming obese
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-06-18 15:28:02
Question: We b'H have a wonderful almost 10-year-old son; he is a fantastic kid, smart, conscientious, studious, well-behaved. bright, a real baal middos and a budding talmid chacham. He brings us a tremendous amount of nachas. The problem, he likes to eat and has been steadily gaining since 5 years old. First, it was ten pounds, then 20, and now more each passing year. At almost 10 years old, he is 130 lbs. …
How can I stop her from going OTD?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-01-18 18:36:41
Question: My 18-year-old daughter has been having issues with yiddishkeit, and seems to be moving in the wrong direction. She has had trouble with anxiety and trust issues in the past and seems generally unhappy. My other kids are being affected by her constant anger and comments. My husband and I find ourselves constantly arguing over the proper way to handle the situation, and we feel that there’s no one to whom we can turn for help …
Money and Mental Health
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2024-04-03 12:16:58
Question: I live in a neighborhood/community where there is a big emphasis on money. It is a young neighborhood where people are just starting work, and some are making serious money and throwing it around. So there has recently become this pressure to “keep up with the Joneses.” I have a salaried job and al pi derech hateva I am not going to become a millionaire any time soon. This was always ok with me, and I didn&rsq …
LGBTQ inclusion in the Orthodox community?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-05-15 17:37:29
A colleague recently shared the following video with me. https://youtu.be/xrFyW9MITxs This is a video of young Orthodox men and women who self identify as homosexual. I found the clip, by and large, to be evocative and poignant. These are people who I identified and empathized with. The communities, schools, and types of families discussed were my own; they could have been me, my neighbors, or even my children. At the s …
Labeling children
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2021-02-08 14:38:49
Question: A well-known educator recently spoke out strongly against "labeling" a child. Even if a child has a mental health issue and is receiving services, we must make sure he/she is not labeled. The remark struck a chord with me as 2 of my children are currently in therapy one for behavioral issues and one for anxiety. While the idea of not labeling a child sounds nice in theory, I am not sure how to put it in practice. At the end of the day m …
Kibbud Av Vaeim for abusive parents?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-11-05 13:36:08
Question: My parents are very controlling, critical, self-centered and emotionally unstable (they may possibly have personality disorders). One of my sisters recently started disconnecting by minimizing her interactions with my parents. My parents are very hurt and angry and are trying many tactics to change my sister's behaviors (which includes badmouthing her to rabbanim). I come from a large family and all of the children are m …
Journalists, Vice, and Hassidim
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2016-08-16 00:00:00
Journalists, Vice, and Hassidim
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2016-08-16 15:56:10
Re: http://www.vice.com/read/how-mentally-ill-hasidic-women-slip-though-cracks-in-the-system Dear Ms. Conti, As my Psychology practice is based in the Orthodox Borough Park community, I read your article with much interest. Your central point is sadly correct: there are unlicensed and untrained therapists serving a vulnerable population. You effectively tell the tragic story of two individuals from their own perspective. Reporting on an entire co …
Is Mindfulness Jewish?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-07-17 13:13:03
Question: I am a working mother of 6 beautiful children bh, and I am dealing with the regular life stresses that come from parnassah, shalom bayis, and running a family etc. A friend of mine suggested something called "mindfulness" as a way to help me ease the stress. I have looked into it and am wondering if this is something that is used by the frum therapists? Also, do I need to actually see a therapist who is trained in this (which …
Is it G.A.D.?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-09-11 16:15:12
Question: I recently graduated from college and began a job in an accounting firm. Although the job is working out well and I get along with everyone there, I have been feeling increasingly anxious as time goes on. I can't put my finger on what is bothering me because nothing else in my life has changed. In school I was always a relaxed, happy, popular person. I have good relationships and I am happy with my career, but I can't seem to …
I have no friends!
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-08-02 17:21:32
Please picture the following two scenarios, and consider how you would handle it: a) Your child comes home from school saying “I have no friends”; b) Child stays at home every Shabbos, never playing with classmates or neighbors. These situations are painful for parents to deal with. Dealing with a rejection of one’s child or watching him spend all his time alone in his room can break a parent’s heart. This often evok …
I have anxiety & OCD. Who should I marry?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-01-11 15:14:07
Question: I am in my low 20's and have OCD and Anxiety. Baruch Hashem, I am more or less stable as I am in college, and holding down a job at the same time. My question is: In a Shidduch, do you think I should look for someone who’s similar to me- someone who also has Anxiety or some other disorder, or should I rather look for someone who’s "regular" without those kinds of challenges? (Honestly, I would prefer someone who doesn't have …
I am afraid to fly.
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2016-12-14 18:50:30
Question: My wife has always been afraid of flying. The last time she flew, around a year and a half ago, there was some turbulence mid-flight and she got hysterical and wasn't able to calm down until we landed (thankfully this was on the way home). We have a family bar mitzvah on the west coast at the end of the month and she is already very apprehensive about going. I have tried to talk with her about the safety of flying but that just gets her …
How shy is TOO shy?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-02-08 19:03:11
Question: I am a pre-school Morah in the local Yeshiva. There is a boy in my class who never talks above a whisper. This has been going on since the beginning of the school year. While the parents insist that the child is just shy, I am convinced that this is more serious than shyness. Can you please give me an idea of where the line is between shyness and a more serious problem? I would also appreciate any strategies you can suggest for con …
How does CBT work?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-01-25 16:22:16
Question: I’m married in my twenties with some kids and have been struggling with general anxiety. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a couple of months now and she’s really helped me a lot on the “uncovering” aspect through looking at my childhood. I now know that it’s not a surprise that I have insecurities as an adult. But how do I get to the healing aspect? She says that talking over and over about thos …
Help! My parents are getting divorced.
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2016-12-07 15:49:13
Question: I am a regular frum girl, 15 years old and in high school. My parents never got along well and recently told my siblings and me that they are getting divorced. Is my life finished? Will everyone look at me with pity? Will I be able to find a good shidduch? Does the fact that my parents divorced make it more likely that I might get divorced? Any information or chizuk that you can give me is appreciated. That is very brave of you t …
He needs therapy! Can I tell him?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-11-28 11:16:07
Question: I know someone who had a sibling that is in his early 20's and is holding down a job. However, he is socially awkward and can really benefit from therapy. However, this person will get highly insulted after being told this and may resent the person who told him. How can he be told (by a relative or professional) that his behavior calls for therapy? Can it be said straight out? If so, how should it be done? On the other hand, is fin …
He called me a stupidhead!
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-03-21 17:46:08
Sibling Conflict: Tips for Prevention and Intervention "Ma, he's in my room and he’s using my stuff again!" "It’s her turn to set the table and she wants me to do it!" "He called me a stupidhead." Do these statements sound familiar? If you have more than one child, they probably do because these are common examples of sibling conflict. Arguing and bickering among children often cause frustration and concern in parents. However, …
Footsteps, Judaism, and Mental Health
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-06-15 14:27:50
Written correspondence with a Footsteps defender. I question the motives of the Footsteps Organization. If, as they state in their promotional materials, it is an opportunity to provide young adults with opportunities for emotional support, financial assistance, and the right of self-determination, there are many opportunities to strive towards these goals within the Orthodox community. Taking the total "break off ties" …
Footsteps: II
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-06-29 15:23:45
This post is a follow-up to my previous post regarding the organization Footsteps. Footsteps is an organization ostensibly geared to helping a growing number of young adults who are disenchanted with their current lifestyle and place in Judaism. This is most likely related to emotional pain, mental illness, backgrounds of trauma, LGBT related struggles, as well as theological questions. Footsteps seeks to work with this community by …
Enabling or Chessed?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2021-12-08 09:26:49
Question: My 27-year-old brother has become very stuck in his life and dependent on my sisters and me. He should be fully capable of getting a job, getting married, and moving forward with life. Instead, he has come to completely rely on his siblings for everything.(Our parents are sweet people but older and not so involved.) He sleeps in my sister's basement and eats the meals by us. He will occasionally get a job, but i …
Do all chutzpadig children need a professional?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2016-11-30 09:44:06
Question: My son's Menahel called us in for a meeting. He said that while our 7th grade son is smart and has friends, he acts chutzpadig and doesn't listen to authority. The menahel said that he thinks our son has ODD and gave us the number to a (costly) therapist. Do we really need a therapist for this? Isn't this a regular kid who misbehaves that for generations parents and schools found some way to deal with? Must everything become a la …
Dealing with rejection from the school system
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-08-17 15:19:49
Question: I am writing about a very painful matter that unfortunately other parents are struggling with as well. As I write this letter at the end of July my daughter does not yet have a high school for next year. I will leave aside the larger communal issue of children not getting into schools because I don’t think this is the forum for it but suffice it to say that she is an excellent girl with middos tovos and has had good grades t …
Corona 4: Overwhelmed with homeschooling
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2020-04-20 10:47:10
Question: On a regular week, in normal times, I have so much on my plate. Now I am expected to care for my infant (no babysitter), keep house (no cleaning help), work from home, entertain my kids, and be in charge of their homeschooling. This while my husband is also expected to work full time from home. When I hear people talk about how this time offers us opportunities to learn with our children, quality time, etc.. I wonder what I am miss …
Corona 1: Dealing with Worries
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2020-03-31 10:37:29
Question: Any suggestions for coping for the tremendous amount of stress that coronavirus is adding to our lives? The constant stream of contradictory information from doctors, the hysteria of the media, and the genuine concern regarding what seems to be a serious problem is undeniably taking up alot of emotional space in my life. Any recommendations ? Much has already been written on this topic. I will attemp …
Corona 3; Dealing with Pesach
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2020-03-31 10:47:08
Question: We live out of town and do not get a chance to see much of our extended family that often. A highlight of our year is the Yomim Tovim where we travel to our children. The thought of being home all alone for Yom Tov is just so sad for me. Baruch Hashem I get along with my husband but I was so looking forward to Yom Tov with the delicious grandchildren. I know that there are people that are sick and that in comparison this is not su …
Corona 2: Dealing with Isolation
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2020-03-31 10:43:11
Question: I am currently in self isolation on my doctors recommendation due to being exposed to covid19. Unfortunately, many others are currently in the same situation and many more will be in the coming weeks. I am basically alone in my room ( so as not to expose the rest of my family) for at least another 5 days. Others I know need to remain in their homes with their families. What advice and guidance can you give me and others l …
Can therapy put you to sleep?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-06-02 18:01:20
Insomnia is a common sleep disorder that can make it hard to fall asleep, hard to stay asleep, or cause you to wake up too early and not be able to get back to sleep. Stress as well as anxiety symptoms (such as tension, excessive worrying, and feeling overwhelmed) can also lead to insomnia. Anxiety and insomnia can feed off each other, leading to a cycle of sleep deprivation. This may surprise you, but within the past year the American Coll …
Can I become happier?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2021-09-17 11:54:16
Question: I am not a happy person, is there a way to change that? That is honestly my whole question. I am pretty much fine in every way, I have a good husband, healthy frum kids, a decent job, we have decent parnassah, are part of a nice kehilla etc.. Yes, I have the stresses of every frum family but nothing major. With all that said I am a pretty moody and cynical person. If I am being fully honest, I always have been. I som …
Behavior (Chain) Analysis
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-09-17 10:47:23
Question: I am a young adult with anxiety and constantly beat myself with mistakes that I make. I was wondering if you can please give me insight on how to deal with it. I'm a bit impulsive. For example, I spent a bit too much on food recently and now I'm upset that I don't have any money left for more important things I need. I think very bad thoughts that are not letting me move on in life. I get very tense and have negative thou …
Bad Therapy or Misunderstood Therapy?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2024-05-24 10:42:16
Bad Therapy or Misunderstood Therapy? Chaim Neuhoff, PhD (with input from many colleagues) While reading Ami magazine's interview with Abigail Shrier, author of the recent book, Bad Therapy, I found myself nodding in agreement with many points that were made. However, I was left disappointed that the non-professional opinions of a secular journalist were featured center-stage in a frum magazine on the topic of frum menta …
Askanim and cultural values
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2016-08-24 15:38:44
Re: http://narrative.ly/healing-hasidic-masturbators-and-adulterers-with-psychiatric-drugs/ Dear Ms. Ungar-Sargon, Thank you for a well-researched article highlighting unethical practices in the Chassidic community. Although not Chassidic myself, I have maintained a Psychology practice for over a decade in this community and have heard that such practices indeed exist. I refer specifically to those addressing religious struggles via medication an …
Psychology and Torah: Are they compatible?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
Are Adolescents and Young Adults Extreme?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2022-06-09 11:19:55
Question: Our 20-year-old son recently returned home from a year learning in Israel. He is boy who struggled a lot in his teens both academically and religiously. Baruch Hashem, he seems to have had an excellent year of growth, he likes his Rabbiem and has learned a lot about being a mentsch , though he still has a way to go. He is very proud of his year and some new concepts and ideas he has learned. The yeshiva has an emphasis on emotional heal …
Anxious Children & Holocaust Education
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-04-16 17:26:30
Question: My 5th grade son recently came home from a friend’s house frightened and in tears. He was literally shaking. When I finally managed to calm him down he told me that his friend had been showing him books with pictures of the Holocaust. There were pictures of the mass graves, crematoria, and people being shot and hung. Including little children. My husband and I sat with him for a long time trying to reassure him and calm him down. …
Anxiety & the Yomim Noraim
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-09-02 10:04:59
Question: I have struggled with anxiety all my life. I spent a few years in therapy and BH have it under control to the point where is doesn't severely impact my life like it used to. My question is regarding the upcoming Yemei Hadin I wonder if the paralyzing Yirah that I used to feel is the proper avodah for me or, given my predisposition, not a good idea to focus on. Perhaps precisely the opposite I should work on remaining cal …
Am I Bipolar?
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2016-11-23 16:29:05
Question: I am in my 30s married with kids and work part time. Since before my marriage (about 15 years ago) I have always been somewhat moody, but I am not exactly sure why. At times I just want to go under the covers and don't want to have anything to do with anyone. Other times I am full of energy. Winters are particularly hard. A friend said that I might have bipolar disorder, but I am doing ok as a wife and as a mother and holding down …
Aging, Loss, and Kibud Av V'eim
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2018-01-30 17:57:51
Question: I am writing regarding my father. My father is an extremely bright person and a professional who has been working the same job for many years. As he has recently entered his 60’s I notice that he just seems to be very down. My youngest sister recently got married an there is no one living at home any more. I also see that the younger people seem to be advancing in his company while his career seems to be stalled. I am not sur …
ADHD in kids
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-03-02 17:46:49
Question: My daughter is 6 1/2. Last year the school brought to our attention that she is displaying possible signs of ADHD and they recommended an evaluation. Our pediatrician suggested that we can wait to evaluate and also recommended not to start medication at this young age. However, I am concerned that if she needs help why not be proactive and get her the help now. She has a very healthy self-esteem and I don't want she should lose it if s …
A Purim thought
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-03-07 23:34:39
The thought I'd like to share was said during the holocaust by the Piazeczna Rebbe hy'd who uplifted others amidst the depressing conditions of the Warsaw ghetto. It is written in the Sefer Aish Kodesh, which was compiled from the notes that he hid before he perished. The Tikunei Zohar teaches that Purim is similar to Yom Hakipurim. The Piazeczna explained this parallelism in the following manner. The essence o …
A Purim Question!
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2021-02-22 11:30:44
Question: I am writing regarding my wife who is unfortunately happy all the time. She is always excited and cheerful, and I just can’t stand it anymore. She even loves puppies and cute animals, stops to compliment people on the street and in general is just annoyingly optimistic. What can you suggest to deal with this?? I happen to specialize in this issue and need to tell you that you are not alone. Although since la …
13 Reasons Why: Teen Suicide and Judaism
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2017-05-07 09:13:10
This article originally appeared on Aish.com I am not a typical Netflix viewer; I'm just not the movie type. Besides, as a father of 8, a practicing Jew, and a super-busy psychologist, I simply don’t have the time. Yet, when asked my professional opinion amidst the recent controversy surrounding the popular series 13 Reasons Why, I signed up for a 30-day free trial subscription and binge-watched most of the series. Based on Ja …
9 days, holocaust plays, and child anxiety
Author: Chaim Neuhoff, Ph.D.
2021-07-07 21:58:27
Question: What is it with camps scaring the wits out kids. How come all the scary plays, holocaust stories, and color war breakouts. Granted my kids are a bit sensitive but do I need to have them come home from day camp all terrorized? Are these things appropriate? Are my kids just wimps? Can these types of things negatively impact kids? Let us break this question down into a few parts. 1) Is constant exposure to "scary" ev …