Elisheva Liss, LMFT
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Calling Overwhelmed Moms...
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
Some readers may have noticed that I've been writing and speaking way more than usual here, and on social media, about topics like parenting, education, and homeschooling, due to the current global situation. I have been getting many private emails and messages, with questions about those topics, and I can't get to all of them. I wanted to figure out a way to streamline some of this parent support through the remainder of this academic year, and …
Announcements
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
Hi, blog-reading friends! Some of you may have noticed that I have been going more digital lately- course creation, writing a lot more, and producing a lot more content on social media. I've been trying get a little more organized about it, and so I have a couple of new projects going on : 1. I hope to start sending out a weekly newsletter. This content will be a little different from the blog; a little more personal and geared to my own sp …
Calling Overwhelmed Moms...
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
Some readers may have noticed that I've been writing and speaking way more than usual here, and on social media, about topics like parenting, education, and homeschooling, due to the current global situation. I have been getting many private emails and messages, with questions about those topics, and I can't get to all of them. I wanted to figure out a way to streamline some of this parent support through the remainder of this academic year, and …
Announcements
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
Hi, blog-reading friends! Some of you may have noticed that I have been going more digital lately- course creation, writing a lot more, and producing a lot more content on social media. I've been trying get a little more organized about it, and so I have a couple of new projects going on : 1. I hope to start sending out a weekly newsletter. This content will be a little different from the blog; a little more personal and geared to my own sp …
Calling Overwhelmed Moms...
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
Some readers may have noticed that I've been writing and speaking way more than usual here, and on social media, about topics like parenting, education, and homeschooling, due to the current global situation. I have been getting many private emails and messages, with questions about those topics, and I can't get to all of them. I wanted to figure out a way to streamline some of this parent support through the remainder of this academic year, and …
Are we roommates or spouses?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
We feel more like roommates than like spouses
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
B'Sha'ah Tova Faux Pas
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
Adina’s eyes darted around my office, then closed and watered with unsuccessfully repressed shame. She was trying to explain the freshly sliced argument she’d had with her sister-in-law, Riva. Riva’s sister had gotten engaged that week, and Adina had been invited to the vort. She got dressed up on a weeknight(!), circled 20 minutes for parking, politely nibbled some sushi, and then made sure to wish mazal tov to all the main pla …
Confronting Happiness Anxiety
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
Confronting Happiness Anxiety
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
Bli Neder Blogging
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
Parented by G-d, Parenting G-d's Children
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2023-08-28 11:18:40
Avinu Malkeinu: A Liturgically Inspired Essay on Parenthood Parented by G-d, and Parenting G-d’s Children One of the most challenging, if unoriginal, theological struggles for me personally has always been the tension between the idea of a loving G-d and suffering of the innocent. The analogy we were taught as Yeshiva kids was based on the verse in Deuteronomy: “For as a father afflicts his child, so G-d afflicts you.” We were t …
Is p-rnography use considered cheating on a partner?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2023-07-05 08:36:37
Is Using P-rnography Considered Cheating on a Partner? Let’s consider this changed-to-protect-writer’s-identity question, as a springboard to address some issues that arise for couples around this subject: “I recently found p-rnographic material downloaded on my husband’s laptop. I wasn’t looking for it; we just often use whichever laptop is around to check email …
The Unconsummated Couple
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2023-07-02 10:53:06
The Unconsummated Couple They present for therapy with so much shame, sometimes blaming themselves, sometimes each other, or just one of them, often feeling like they’re the only ones who can’t “figure this out.” They are the “unconsummated.” The couples who got married with little or no prior sexual experience, often inadequate or inaccurate p …
The Nation who Wanted to Die
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2023-06-15 21:00:41
“We wish we had died! We wish we had died!” Cry out the people who personally experienced miraculous salvation. “If only we had died in Egypt, or in the desert…” They were afraid of potential war in Kanaan, but it still doesn’t seem logical. They’d prefer to have certainly perished in Egypt or the desert, over the possibility of death OR the possibility of victory and freedom in the Promised Land? How is …
10 Tips to Minimize Family Drama over Yom Tov
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2023-04-04 16:30:37
The yomim tovim / Jewish holidays are often “busy season” for Orthodox therapists. In our communities, where there’s a profound emphasis on the values of both family and holidays, these often converge to create a perfect storm of internal pressure and interpersonal mayhem. There are the social plans: who is hosting, who is traveling, which “side’s turn” is it to have the newlyweds, or the elderly relatives, and …
"Why are they doing this to me?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2023-04-03 06:16:39
*This was originally a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times* Dear Elisheva, My problem comes up mostly around Shabbos and Yom Tov family get-togethers. We are blessed with seven kids, mostly adults now; the youngest are 17 and 19, still living at home. We also have a growing number of grandchildren, and love to see them as often as possible. We worked hard to give our childr …
"Why won't my in-laws support us?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2023-03-08 13:36:59
*This post originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times* Dear Elisheva, My wife and I have been married for almost three years, and this issue has only gotten worse over that time. Baruch Hashem we get along really well when it comes to most things. But there’s one area where we disagree strongly, and I was hoping we could get your opinion. Both of our parents are good people, and we have great relationships with th …
He was both happy and horrified
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2023-02-07 22:31:59
*Due to a misunderstanding about a deadline for a guest post on another site, I ended up with a "spare" mini-article this week, and opted to share it here, instead: You know that feeling of scary relief? Like when you very narrowly miss being in what could have been a terrible car accident? Or almost fall down a flight of stairs, but catch yourself at the last minute? …
Am I a Bais Yaakov Lesbian?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-12-13 08:57:32
Am I a Bais Yaakov lesbian? Chani was 20 years old when she presented for therapy. The official referral was “anxiety about dating,” but when she began to share, it was more complex and specific than that: “I’ve never told anyone this before, but I have one friend who knows, because it involves her too. I am anxious about starting to date- that’s true. But it’s not just regular nervous. I know this might sound …
10 Ideas of What Not to Comment on when Spending Time with Extended Family (or Other Humans):
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-10-07 08:49:44
With the upcoming holiday of Sukkos, many families are getting together in clans, and sometimes interactions that are well-meaning can take a turn for the awkward or hurtful. Here are some suggestions of ways to keep it clean and considerate, by trying to steer clear of the following common pitfall topics. It might be a good idea to not comment on: 1. How people look: style, weight, modesty- appearance is super-personal to m …
Religiously Based Rape and its Devastating Repercussions
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-09-05 17:16:58
“My kallah teacher thinks I have childhood trauma, but I really can’t think of one,” Chanshi begins. “My husband is a very nice person. My parents are too. My life isn’t perfect, but I don’t understand why this is so crazy for me.” What Chanshi means by “this” and “so crazy” is the state of her sexual relationship. She and her husband Izzy have an otherwise “nice” relat …
Anxiety and Elul
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-08-29 14:25:32
Elul Anxiety Tami, a motivated college student, sought help to deal with her test taking anxiety. She describes her symptoms: “I just get so nervous starting a few days before the test. This sense of dread. I try to study but I get distracted by how worried I am. By the time I sit down to take the test, my hands are clammy, I feel chilly and sweaty, my head is swimming, and I can barely focus.” One of the tools Tami learned in terms o …
Our Daughter Blames Us for her Marriage Problems
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-08-28 12:59:13
*This post originally appeared as a State of Mind Column in the Five Towns Jewish Times* Dear Elisheva, My family is in a complicated state right now. We are blessed with several children, but this matter only concerns two of them. Our oldest daughter is in her 20s and has been married for a few years; let’s call her “Leah.” She’s a wonderful girl, married to a great guy, but at this point our relationship with them is ver …
"What's the point of sex anyway?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-07-27 13:12:28
It usually happens some time in the middle of a session. We’ll be discussing a couple’s intimate life, and I can see the consternation building on the woman’s face. Eventually, she’ll just say something like: “Can I ask a funny question? Like… what’s the point of sex anyway?” When working with clients who are dealing with sexual aversion, the question of: & …
Was My Kid Brainwashed in Seminary?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-07-20 07:42:56
*This originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times Dear Elisheva, Our oldest daughter just returned home from her year in Israel. It’s not that I mind her becoming more religious. We expected that to a degree, when we allowed her to go to seminary. It’s the way she now relates to her family, her old friends, and how her personality seems to have changed. Sh …
Relationship Uncertainty
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-05-19 08:24:58
*This originally appeared in the Five Towns Jewish Times State of Mind column* Dear Elisheva, I would imagine my problem is not unique, but I just find myself getting stuck and anxious from it. I’m 23 years old, in Yeshiva most of the day, and finishing up my Bachelors. I’ve been dating someone for a little over three weeks now. She is 21, also in college, and working part time. She’s really great- smart, interestin …
An Intimacy Dilemma
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-05-10 07:01:45
*This post was excerpted from my schmoozeletter email.*
The following is a conversation that comes up a lot with my couples in therapy: Me: So what would you say are the challenges you're facing in your relationship that you want to address together? Him: Our intimate life isn't great. We're not "together" often and when we are it seems to fall flat. Her: Fo …
She Wasn't Feeling Pleasure
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-04-07 18:59:04
*This post is an excerpt from my schmoozeletter email. Subscribe to it for free here: elishevaliss.com/newsletter * Once upon a time, there was a young, sincere couple, who married and loved each other. But they had one problem: Even after a few years of happy matrimony, the wife said she was having trouble enjoying physical intimacy. The husband felt bad about this, and went to seek advice from his Rabbi and mentor. & …
A Different Kind of Sexual Trauma Among Us
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-02-27 11:16:44
Trigger warning: this post discusses sexual trauma Zeesy, a 19-year-old newlywed, was referred for intense erotophobia- a fear of sexual activity. It’s been about three months since their wedding, but her aversion to sexual touch seems to be getting worse. Her young husband is worried, and the premarital educator who sent her asks me: “Do you think something happened to her?” What she means, of course, is trauma- s …
Sacrificing Souls on the Altar Of Tzniyus
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-01-18 21:00:26
In serving as a therapist for an almost completely religiously affiliated population, one issue that arises very, very often, is the hot-button issue of “modesty” – or as it’s called in Hebrew: Tzniyus/ tzniyut. When we talk about this, it often revolves around unhealthy and even traumatic ways that clients feel these messages were conveyed to them within their families, communities, or schools. In particular, women and gi …
Problems with the Rebbe
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-01-13 08:52:12
This piece originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times: Dear Elisheva, We think we may have an issue with our son and his Rebbe, and we’re not sure what to do about it. According to our son, who is in middle school, this Rebbe has been routinely picking on him and some of the other kids, in ways that seem unfair and unkind. I’ve heard the other kids joking about him playing favorites and randomly yelling at some kid …
The Problem with Labeling Pedophilia as a "Sickness"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-01-04 04:31:32
Yitzi’s parents really thought they’d taught him enough: “No one is allowed to touch you in parts of your body covered by a bathing suit. Most people are good and safe, but there are some other sick people out there who like to hurt children, and do bad things, so if they try to do that, you should run away and tell someone you trust.” They checked off the sexual safety education box and thought he was now “safe.&rdq …
Religiously Stuck Husband
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-12-18 22:38:26
This originally appeared in a Five Towns Jewish Times column: Dear Elisheva, I can’t decide whether my problem is marital or personal- probably both, but here it is. My wife and I both grew up religious. We were on pretty much the same page when we got married. But over the years, my feelings and opinions have slowly been changing. I’m looking at our community, our lifestyles, and the kids’ schools from different angles, …
"Don't even TOUCH it-" How making fake rules can lead to disaster: A Chinuch Message
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-10-01 11:09:38
“I think it was the earrings that were the final straw for me.” The young woman is explaining to me how she went from being a scrupulously rule-following Bais Yaakov high school junior, to the 19 year old who’d lost track of how many men with whom she’s slept. “The earrings?” I repeated. “Yeah. My high school principal came up to me after davening one day, and told me that my earrings weren’t tniyus …
Broken Tablets, Broken Hearts
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-06-27 16:06:51
A few years ago, I got a call from a mother, distraught over something that was happening at her kids’ school. Her 12 year old daughter was in avelus, and the school had told her that she needed to wait in the office, while her grade practiced for a music and dance performance. The girl felt like she was being punished for being in mourning and was devastated. The mom asked me to call the school and speak with them. I called the scho …
Fighting About Having a Baby
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-06-04 13:34:05
It's the very first mitzvah in the Torah. And for some, it's very straightforward: Get married, start a family, don't stop until your body does. But for those who believe in the option to practice birth control, whether autonomously or in consultation with a posek, important questions arise: How do you decide when to start trying for a baby? How many kids should we have? When do we stop having ki …
Why Saying "Divorce is Not an Option" Can Hurt Marriages
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-04-30 07:44:48
Were you taught to believe that “divorce” is a curse word? That we don’t even say the “d” word? When I was a young, idealistic grad school student, a professor told us: “We are not in the business of saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.” At the time, I (arrogantly) thought: “Well, maybe those are your values. I want to save marriages.” I stil …
Child Sexual Safety Education Awareness
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-04-15 11:10:39
Every so often, I meet a colleague who offers the opportunity to collaborate in a way that aligns perfectly with my own mission and values. Blimie Heller, and her beautiful approach, Unconditional Parenting, is one such colleague. In this conversation, we tackle the vital topic of child sexual safety education in a way that is practical, culturally sensitive, and easily applicable to most families. Enjoy this free video resource: https://www.inst …
How a Chacham Becomes a Rasha: Some Thoughts About Questions
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-03-25 06:06:34
How a Chacham Becomes a Rasha: Some Thoughts about Questions A few years ago, I was speaking with a high school student who was struggling with her faith. She told me that she’d learned some material in her Halacha class that upset her. When she shared it with me, I had to admit that I’d never heard of it before, and encouraged her to ask her teacher for sources, so she could at least research and try to understand the basis fo …