OTD Friend

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-03-15 12:08:17

Dear Therapist: I have a friend that went off the derech and I think I can be a mashpia on him. I've texted him a few times and called him once in a while but he always ignores me. I'm just curious does he think I'm invading his privacy and I should stop calling or he just is embarrassed of his new lifestyle and I should keep calling him in order to mechazek him?   Response: I obviously don’t know what it …

Opposites Attract...Or Not

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-01-13 10:11:00

Dear Therapist: I am in my low 20's and have OCD and Anxiety. Baruch Hashem, I am more or less stable as I am in college, and holding down a job at the same time. My question is: In a Shidduch, do you think I should look for someone who’s similar to me- someone who also has Anxiety or some other disorder, or should I rather look for someone who’s "regular" without those kinds of challenges? (Honestly, I would prefer someone who doesn' …

Oh! Was I Analyzing You?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-08-20 16:24:12

Dear Therapist: I am struggling with a problem I fear is most uncommon. I have recently started practicing as a therapist. This is a positive thing, or at least it should be. My concern is that some friends of mine from the past have begun to resent speaking with me because they feel that I will automatically treat them as clients. This is mostly, but not limited to, secret or personal events in their lives. My question is, as therapists what are …

OCD or Kefira

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-05-26 15:22:28

Dear Therapist: ​My daughter has always been an all-around healthy 17-year-old . She does tend to have anxiety but it’s always been kept in check. Lately though she’s become a shell of herself. She’s had trouble eating and sleeping and is not herself. We’ve tried very hard to get to the root cause of her distress. Finally she confided that she’s been having intrusive thoughts of kefira type themes. She’s horr …

Obsessive Praying

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-11-25 13:28:09

Dear Therapist: I have been struggling for many years with my davening. Many times, I feel that if I only put enough emotion and feeling into my davening, I can get the results that I want. The problem is that forcing myself backfires. It's hard to concentrate on the meaning of the words when trying to create feelings. In my case, I wind up worrying all day about my relationship with Hashem, if I am a good person, and if I am a proper maamin …

Obsessive or Religious?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-12-14 12:51:12

Dear Therapist: We have a wonderful daughter who is back from seminary, happily working and doing very well BH, but here is the concern... While my daughter was in high school she started taking on more and more chumras and started becoming more and more frum and shtark. It affected her relationship with her friends, how she dressed, what she ate, (or didn't eat), her sleep, her davening, her ability and confidence in herself when making decision …

NVLD Anyone?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-02-07 10:41:05

Dear Therapist: I was recently at a meeting at my son's yeshiva and was told that my son should be evaluated by a neuropsychologist. When I asked why, the principal suggested that he should be tested to see if he has a nonverbal learning disability. I have scheduled an appointment, but was curious what this condition is, how it would present with a frum boy in yeshiva, and what can be done about it. I am looking for practical suggestions that ca …

Non Verbal Learning Disability Revisited

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2020-08-13 12:07:01

Dear Therapist: I am a 17 year old girl in a mainstream school, who has been through "tons" of therapy in my life. Language/speech therapy, O.T., P.T., Social skills—you name it. I have never gotten a clear diagnosis, but upon reading your article (January 25,2019) and then recently reading a book by Yated columnist Rivka Schonfeld, it appears to my parents and I that I really fall under the category of Non Verbal Learning Disability, being …

Night Terrors

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-10-25 13:42:44

Dear Therapist: My very bright, mature, lovable, happy 5-year-old son has begun to experience what I have been told is called "night terror". He is a very happy child during the day, definitely with a more intense personality, but very healthy and well-adjusted and extremely bright. At night, he will wake up in terror, screaming, cowering in the corner, looking at me or my husband with terror, eyes opened wide, with real fear...and then a few min …

My Wife's Depression

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-09-26 10:35:15

Dear Therapist: My wife suffers from major depressive disorder and has for many years. Most of the time it is kept under control with medication but every so often will flare up into a severe depression. She has currently been suffering from a depressive bout for the past month and a half. She is working with a psychiatrist and therapist to get better. Part of her depression is that she doesn't want to do anything but sit at home all day. Sittin …

My Wife Spends All My Money!

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-06-07 08:48:16

Dear Therapist: I know this sounds almost cliché but I can’t get my wife to stop spending money. Sounds like a bad joke no? I work hard and make a very nice living but she seems to have no awareness of financial responsibility. Whenever I speak to her she feels bad about it but it doesn’t really stop her. I don’t want to turn this into a huge fight, and she is sensitive to confrontation, but I’m telling you it&rsquo …

My Wife Feels Controlled

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-03-15 12:01:15

Dear Therapist: I got married a few months ago and everything is amazing, I just have one problem. My wife's older sister who got married a few years before us is married to an extremely uptight and controlling person. My wife was specifically looking for someone laid back, relaxed, easygoing, and nonopinionated after witnessing what her sister is putting up with. I definitely fit the description. However, any time I do voice my op …

My Unstable Parents

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-11-09 13:21:27

Dear Therapist: My parents are very controlling, critical, self-centered and emotionally unstable (they may possibly have personality disorders). One of my sisters recently started disconnecting by minimizing her interactions with my parents. My parents are very hurt and angry and are trying many tactics to change my sister's behaviors (which includes badmouthing her to rabbanim). I come from a large family and all of the children are married. We …

My Therapist Abandoned Me

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-07-05 14:59:35

Dear Therapist: Thank you so much for your weekly column, I really enjoy the panelists’ responses. I have decided to seek therapy because of my eating habits and low self-esteem. I started seeing a therapist with whom I was very happy and I enjoyed going every week. After around two months the therapist informed me that she will be opening her own private practice and referred me to a different therapist. I had a very hard time with this as …

My Son's Therapist Won't Talk to Me

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-04-18 16:12:25

Dear Therapist: My 18-year-old son is currently seeing a therapist which was recommended by his rosh reshiva. Even though we are paying for the therapy our only interaction with the therapist is to arrange for payment. My son doesn't want us to speak to the therapist and when we have called the therapist, he doesn't want to speak to us either. How are we supposed to help our son if we have no idea what is going on with him? It also seems very unf …

My Son's School Wants Him in Therapy

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-03-01 13:24:46

Dear Therapist: My son’s yeshiva has been putting some pressure on me and my wife to send him for therapy. The primary reason for this seems to be because he has been getting in trouble at school. Not serious trouble but being disruptive in class. My son has a great personality and is a leader, so I am sure that this is partly why the focus is on him. The yeshiva is insistent that he should be seen by a therapist because they assume that th …

My Son's Medication Obsession

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-08-14 11:10:08

Dear Therapist: My teenage son (18) had been struggling with anxious and obsessive thoughts and went to see a therapist based on the recommendation of our rov. He was also told by the rov that medication could be an option as well. He was very against taking medication, probably out of a concern for shidduchim, and decided to just try therapy. The issue is that since he knows that the option of medication is out there, he has …

My Son Is Overbearing

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-05-26 15:32:21

Dear Therapist: ​Our 20-year-old son recently returned home from a year learning in Israel. He is boy who struggled a lot in his teens both academically and religiously. Baruch Hashem, he seems to have had an excellent year of growth, he likes his rabbeim and has learned a lot about being a mentsch, though he still has a way to go. He is very proud of his year and some new concepts and ideas he has learned. The yeshiva has an emphasis on emotio …

My Son is Being Left Back!

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-11-25 13:20:30

Dear Therapist: It is becoming clear that we are going to need to have our son who is now in 3rd grade go back to 2nd grade after Succos. He is too far behind and we can't provide the support that is necessary to help him maintain grade level. I am not sure how to break this news to him and how to help him so that this will not scar him emotionally or socially. Please advise us how to do this in the most painless way possible. Thank you …

My Son is a Weakling!

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-04-18 16:20:19

Dear Therapist: I have a 12-year-old son who has always been a bit of the “weaker” sort. Always been very needy, very fragile, as well as academically challenged. He always seems to want more and more attention from mommy and daddy and spends at least 3-4 weeks a year home sick (really sick not faking it). It seems like it is just the personality that he was born with. As he gets older, I am becoming more and more concerned about his …

My Sister's Rare Condition

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-03-27 12:15:56

Dear Therapist: I have a sister with a rare medical condition. Hardly anyone knows about it and I found out by mistake. I have watched her surmount her many challenges, but I am stuck pitying her (and myself) and wishing things were different. She’s such a good person so why her?! I have not moved past it and it pains me deeply watching her... I’m helpless and powerless in terms of helping and I wish there was something I can do Any …

My Paranoid Sister

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-05-18 13:43:26

Dear Therapist: My sister has always thought that everyone was out to get her. She is extremely insecure and very sensitive. Now her paranoia has increased to the point where she is in a fight with everyone in her family. She is furious at me because she thinks I didn’t try hard enough to get her kids into high school. She thinks my husband ruined her kids’ shidduchim. She thinks my brothers are trying to push her husband out of the f …

My Oppositional Teenager

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2020-08-13 11:56:36

Dear Therapist: I am writing to see if you have any suggestions regarding our 17-year-old son. In general, he hasn’t been doing awesome over the last year. He has a particularly tenuous relationship with his mother while he does a little better with me. This period of quarantine has been particularly difficult. I guess I can break down the issue into a couple different questions. He is not really functioning on a normal schedule, waking up …

My Narcissistic Son

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-07-25 10:41:25

Dear Therapist: I am writing this letter with great difficulty. I am a Holocaust survivor who had two children. One of them died of serious illness. My second child was showered with everything. He has not visited me in years because since I am widowed I am on a limited income and he feels should be getting more money from me. My son has never worked as he claims he is always learning. His spouse earns over one hundred thousand dollars a year an …

My Kid Bites!

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2020-03-31 12:52:03

Dear Therapist: What is the correct way to teach children not to bite? Our 4-year-old has been having this issue. When I was a kid, we were threatened with getting pepper on our tongue, getting soap in our mouths, or being bit back ourselves (so you know what it feels like). My sense is these ideas don’t fly today. Or do they? It can really hurt the other kids. Do you have any better ideas?   Response: The three remedies to which you r …

My Job Trauma

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-03-15 12:14:30

Dear Therapist: I had a terrible experience with my first job. I had been looking forward to this career and had high expectations but things really did not work out well. I had a very hard time with my boss who had a strong personality and we clashed. I only lasted 3 months before we realized it was time to move on. I had wanted to leave sooner but he actually convinced me to stay. I think he felt he could get me to buy into his way of thinking …

My In-Laws Make Us Pay

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-03-15 12:34:02

Dear Therapist: My husband and I are married for ten years, we have 6 beautiful children. BH our expenses for tuition, healthcare and rent are significant. We should be able to make it to the end of the month without an issue since we are both working. However, that rarely happens. My husband grew up in a home where both his parents worked full time but never budgeted or thought about the future. Now, in their mid-70’s the financial situati …

My Impersonal Parental Relationships

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-11-18 10:50:13

Dear Therapist: As a teenage boy I am going through lots of ups and downs. Throughout this period there is one particular issue that is getting worse and worse. That is my parents. As it stands now, I cannot "open up" to them about anything personal in my life. Whether it is about friends, family, teachers, or anything that is personal, I find it practically impossible to speak to my parents (though I do find it easier to speak about personal iss …

My Husband's Therapy Isn't Working

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2020-03-31 12:00:35

Dear Therapist: My husband had a rough childhood. His parents were very "old school" and harsh and critical. This has led to a general lack of confidence and low self-esteem which is prevalent in everything he does (or doesn't do). He has been in therapy for two years and says that he finds it very beneficial. However, as an outside observer, I don't really see any change other than him creating a narrative for his problems. He understands why h …

My Husband's Therapy is Hurting Our Marriage

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-03-15 12:06:27

Dear Therapist: Thank you for the wonderful education that you provide for our community.  My husband is currently in therapy for mental health issues that he unfortunately brought into the marriage. I am in therapy as well, dealing with terrible trauma that these issues caused. I believe that my husband's therapist has helped him greatly in some areas, but does not have a clear understanding of some of the other areas and how they impact th …

My Husband's Secret Therapy

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-09-13 09:20:24

Dear Therapist: My husband recently revealed to me that he has been going to therapy for the last 6 months. I had no idea that he was going or that anything was wrong. I thought we BH had a good marriage and were doing well raising our family. When I asked him why he is going he says there are certain things he wanted to discuss with someone but refuses to tell me what they are. He won't even tell me the name of the person he is seeing. I am comp …

My Friend Needs Therapy...I Think

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-05-19 12:34:20

Dear Therapist: I recently read an article describing different people who should be seeing a therapist. I have a good friend whom I feel matches the description in the article. The more I think about it the more I honestly think he could benefit from seeing one. The problem is being a 21-year-old and being told by your close friend that you should be seeing a therapist isn't the most pleasant experience. How as a friend am I able to convey over …

My Freeloading Brother

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-11-18 10:28:19

Dear Therapist: My 27-year-old brother has become very stuck in his life and dependent on my sisters and me. He should be fully capable of getting a job, getting married, and moving forward with life. Instead, he has come to completely rely on his siblings for everything.(Our parents are sweet people but older and not so involved.) He sleeps in my sister's basement and eats the meals by us. He will occasionally get a job, but it never lasts …

My Father's Unlicensed Exposure Therapy

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-03-15 12:23:53

Dear Therapist: When I was a teenager, I developed a severe phobia. I don’t think it is relevant to be more specific as to what it was. What matters is that my father learned a lot about it, got a lot of books and workbooks, and took it upon himself to help me work through it. The best method he said is a CBT approach called “exposure therapy.” This led to him pushing me very hard to be in the exact situations that were making m …

My Father Won't Let Me See a Therapist

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-05-03 15:54:19

Dear Therapist: I am a 12th grader in what is considered a very chosuva mesivta. There are some things that I would like to discuss with someone. They cause me a lot of worry but I do not feel comfortable discussing this with a rebbe or mashgiach in yeshiva. I think that maybe a therapist would be the right type of person to discuss this with. The issue is that my father doesn't hold of therapy. I am not sure how to bring this up with him and I d …

My Father-in-Law's Ultimatum

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-07-18 09:06:52

Dear Therapist: My husband and I are faced with the following situation and we're stumped as to what to tell our children. Our family was always very close to my parents in law and their children at home. My father in law is a controlling person. He thinks the world is against him. He doesn't talk to most of his married kids because he thinks they don't "hold" of him. My husband and I are close to the married siblings. My father in law recently …

My Daughter's Addiction Is Her Fault...Isn't It?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-07-26 12:50:14

Dear Therapist: Without getting into the gory details, my daughter is currently being treated for a substance abuse addiction. My husband and I are trying to be supportive of her while understanding that it is going to take time. We are being told that we are supposed to view this as an “illness” just like any other mental health or physical illness, such as depression or heart disease. I can’t for the life of me understand how …

My Daughter Wants to Ditch Her Friend

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-09-06 15:42:42

Dear Therapist: My 14-year-old daughter is a kind soul. She is always nice to everyone and has many friends. She approached my husband and me recently and said she realizes that there is a friend of hers who is not a good influence on her and she doesn't think she should be spending time with her. I think her concerns are valid. She asked us for guidance about how to go about distancing herself from the relationship. Our daughter is not really th …

My Children Are My Life

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-05-16 10:54:24

Dear Therapist: I am a mother of a large family k"ah, with a B"H healthy good marriage. I have come across many times in articles, speeches, etc.… a concept that is stressed that when couples talk just between themselves (i.e. date nights, walks, or just some good old schmoozing), they shouldn't talk about the kids and about the husband's work. We are told that couples should speak about "other stuff like they spoke when the …

My Child is Stealing

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-05-15 11:39:58

Dear Therapist: Our 11-year-old son has been stealing things from his friends in school. We keep finding things in his room that we know he didn’t get from us.  Recently he admitted that he took a toy from another boy’s briefcase. We are devastated. We give him everything he needs and he comes from a house that I would say has excellent chinuch. I have no idea where he picked up such a horrible thing. Additionally, we are very wo …

My Bullying Co-Worker

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-11-18 10:41:37

Dear Therapist:  I recently started a new job which I was very excited about. Things started well enough but there is another woman who has chosen to make my life miserable. I believe she feels threatened by me because we have a similar position (though I don't think her job is in jeopardy at all). She never misses a chance for a nasty comment be it to coworkers or even managers. I tried to have a discussion with her about it, but she totall …

My Brother Needs Premarital Counseling

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-09-06 15:37:14

Dear Therapist: My brother has never really been that socially savvy. He has no official diagnosis as far as I know of but he has struggled in the past socially a bit. He recently got engaged and I am a bit nervous about how he will do in marriage. What would be the best way to prevent any issues and deal with them before they become a real problem? Is there any type of premarriage counseling or guidance that you recommend? Even a book that you t …

My Brother Has Schizophrenia

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-01-19 15:16:56

Dear Therapist: I have been hesitant to write for a while because this is not a scenario that most people deal with. My son, who has always had mental health issues, was recently diagnosed with psychosis - the doctors say most likely he has some form schizophrenia. This is not so shocking to us because, like I said, he has been struggling for a while. We are hopeful that with the right treatment he will be able to live a full and productive life …

My Angry, Abusive Brother

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-11-25 13:24:11

Dear Therapist:  I have a middle-aged younger brother who lives a depressed, resentful, lonely, unemployed life. My mother, an almanna, has a heart of gold and would do anything to help him. Yet, he gets extremely angry at her when they speak on the phone, and expresses deep resentment to her, which is similar to how he connected with our father a"h. He thinks she favors me over him, among other gripes. On the rare occasion that he visi …

My 17-Year-Old Thinks I Don't Understand Her!

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-06-29 13:15:24

Dear Therapist: Our daughter (she is 17 years old and a bit moody) has recently begun complaining to us that we don't understand her and that we have no relationship with her. This seems to be a common teenage complaint but she is being very persistent that this is a problem. To be honest I can't say that she doesn't have something of a point, but I don't believe that the fault lies completely with us. We are seeking advice from a few sources but …

Moody Kids

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-02-15 16:04:37

Dear Therapist: I had a question I hoped you could help me with. My 11-year-old son is a bit moody. Usually when he is able to talk to me about what is bothering him, we work through it, he does really well and feels better. The problem is it takes a while for him to finally open up. He first says he doesn't want to talk about it and it takes a while for me to get it out of him. Then when he finally does, he usually feels better right away. The i …

Misophonia

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-07-18 09:14:02

Dear Therapist: I have this "thing" where I get filled with extreme rage, frustration, and hate from hearing certain sounds like chewing loud, slurping, whistling, wiggling of feet, snoring... These sounds drive me crazy to the point where I need to leave the room or I might just yell at the person causing the trigger. People think I'm just finicky and I have to learn to deal with these noises. When I mentioned this to a friend, they said it sou …

Mindfulness Therapy

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-07-19 00:00:00

Mindfulness Therapy

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-07-19 15:06:08

Dear Therapist: I am a working mother of 6 beautiful children bh, and I am dealing with the regular life stresses that come from parnassah, shalom bayis, and running a family etc.  A friend of mine suggested something called "mindfulness" as a way to help me ease the stress. I have looked into it and am wondering if this is something that is used by the frum therapists? Also, do I need to actually see a therapist who is trained in this (for …

Mental Health and Dating

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-05-19 12:26:57

Dear Therapist: I recently went out with a boy who disclosed on the 3rd date that he was seeing a therapist for depression. He said he had struggled on an off with depression since he was a teen and had sometimes taken medication for it. It turned out that the shidduch didn’t work out for other reasons, but I was really confused as to how to deal with that information. I liked him and he seemed like a perfectly normal boy, wh …

Medication or Therapy

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-03-14 13:48:24

Dear Therapist: I have a specific fear that I have a hard time with but it isn't something that I really have to face very frequently. Let's say it's flying. It's not something I do very often but when I need to it's really hard. I was prescribed a medication I can take from my doctor and I can use it before flying and I feel ok. Is this a good enough way to deal with it or would it be better to invest in therapy to get rid of the fear? Would the …

Medication Compliance

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-01-19 15:20:38

Dear Therapist: Our 18-year-old daughter was prescribed medication for depression and we think that it makes a real difference for her. Unfortunately, she starts and stops taking it pretty much whenever she wants. We have discussed this with her therapist but get the sense that the therapist doesn't want to waste the whole session talking about medication compliance. That being said we are concerned that this might be unhealthy for her and certai …

Medication and Dating Revisited

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-11-22 16:00:44

Dear Therapist: As a teenager our son saw a therapist for a while due to some burnout/depression. Baruch Hashem with some adjustments to his yeshiva life and the help he received he is doing amazing and has been for a while. He is still on a low dose of medication which has worked well for him. When he tried going off, he relapsed and our consensus is that it's best for him to stay on it for now. Now that he is starting shidduchim he is very nerv …

Medication and Dating

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-03-01 12:57:35

Dear Therapist: I’m on medication (citolophram) for minor depression, so minor that I “lived” for 20 years with it always wanting to go for help, but never being desperate. My parents put me on meds with the guidance of a qualified top psychiatrist although I was going into shidduchim. It wasn’t even a discussion; medication was the best option for me along with regular therapy and that’s what we did. I could have st …

Medical Anxiety

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-06-29 13:12:30

Dear Therapist: I have always been a bit of an anxious person, particularly when it comes to my health and the health of my family. For a while I was pretty obsessive and was constantly going to doctors "just to make sure" I was ok. Any little ache or pain I made an appointment and had it looked at. At some point in my life, I realized that I was making myself (and my doctors) crazy and I learned to control myself, essentially learning to ignore …

Mazel Tov! It's...The Baby Blues

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-08-09 13:33:25

Dear Therapist: After my last baby, I was feeling very sad and not myself. I thought it was just because I was very tired but people said I was depressed and I had what they call the baby blues. Now I am BH expecting again and I want to know what steps I can take to prevent this from happening again. I would appreciate any advice you can offer.   Response: What used to be known as postpartum depression is a very common.  Though many peo …

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-01-25 12:50:22

Dear Therapist: I am a single boy who has been dating for 4 years. Whenever I start dating I get tremendous pressure from my parents to get married. I can’t think straight when I am dating because of all the pressure; of course, the shaddchanim join in as well. I have started saying no to any shidduchim that are read to me because I can’t put myself through this again. My parents seem to think that all the girls I have dated are prett …

My Husband or My Therapy: Should I Have to Choose?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-05-11 11:49:15

Dear Therapist: ​I am interested in starting to see a therapist. Mostly because I have a high amount of pressure and stress in my life and think it could be helpful to have a neutral person to share with weekly. My husband has had a hard time with this idea and says he feels hurt that I need to discuss things with a therapist and that I can't share them with him. He says he will be frustrated that there is someone that hears more about my life …

Marriage Intrusion?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-11-25 13:17:32

Dear Therapist: I am worried that my daughter who just went to seminary is spending way too much time at her newly married sister's home. I think she is missing out on the full experience and the chance to make new friends. I am more concerned that it isn't good for my shana rishona couple to have someone in the house all the time. Both my daughters say that I am over reacting and it's not a big deal. I would appreciate your opinion and …

Marriage and Siblings

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-10-25 14:01:31

Dear Therapist: My younger sister (20 years old) got married last year. Although I am happy that she doesn’t have to deal with shidduchim any more, I am struggling with my own emotions about it. My sister was in seminary and already decided she was going to date when she came home. She “asked me” permission to date when I came to visit her that year—but only because my father told her she should. Then, when she came home s …

Marital Communication

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-11-09 12:59:06

Dear Therapist: I have been married for almost a year. Overall things are good. The problem is that whenever my husband and I have a disagreement he will completely shut down. For example, I didn't appreciate that he came home really late the other night and I told him so but instead of discussing it he got all offended and basically avoided me for 2 days. I get the impression that he thinks that I am never allowed to be upset at him or justified …

Man-Made Mental Illness?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-03-15 12:29:37

Dear Therapist: Thank you so much for the column, I really enjoy it each week. I would like to know what the panelists think of the following:
Of course, there are real mental illnesses that exist and those that suffer from them should obviously get the help and support that they need. But I feel like many of the people "suffering from mental illness" are suffering from man-made problems based on the expectations of our society. For instance …

Major Decisions...No Problem; Minor Ones...Well...

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-09-06 15:28:21

Dear Therapist: I have some trouble making decisions. I am not really talking about big decisions like getting married or what yeshiva to send my kids to. I actually do ok with that. It is the smaller things like where to go for Shabbos and what suit to buy and things like that which take up way too much time in my life and occupy my thoughts too much. I just go back and forth and back and forth, and it can be almost comical. It can wind up being …

"Losing It" with the Kids

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-03-27 12:10:12

Dear Therapist: Pesach is approaching! I find that as a mother of a large family I get overwhelmed at this time of year and really lose it with my kids. Overall I think I am a wonderful parent but I could use some extra tools to deal with this extra stress. Any advice? Or does this just come along with being a Jewish mother?   Response: I don’t know exactly what you mean by “lose it.” I also don’t know the ages of yo …

Looking for Better Relationships

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-11-18 10:30:13

Dear Therapist: Hi! I am a 22-year-old boy and I recently started reading The Couch and I really find it interesting and helpful. I think that even if a question is not directly related to me, I can still learn a lot from the answers.  I went through some struggles as a teenager but with awesome parents and rabbeim I got through it, and I am doing really well. I was in a yeshiva in Israel the last two years and just got back to Ame …

Learning Disability Or Something More?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-12-26 14:14:04

Dear Therapist: My 16-year-old son has a slight learning disability and has never really been able to sit still all day. Now he is in mesivta from 7:30 am until 8:30 pm. He is not doing well in yeshiva and his menahel suggested that we take him to therapy. I am not sure what/how that can possibly help. It isn't a mental health issue but more likely he just isn't cut out for his schedule. Do you think therapy would benefit him? …

Learning Changed My Son's Personality

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2020-03-31 13:14:01

Dear Therapist: My son started dorming in an out of town yeshiva this year. While he had tremendous growth in ruchniyus during the year, I am worried that his personality has been affected somewhat. He appears much more quiet and serious than his former care-free and humorous self. My husband says that this is a normal stage that bochurim go through when trying to find where they stand in the balance between a rigorous be …

Laypeople Advising Professionals

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-11-18 10:39:04

Dear Therapist: Hi, I work with bochurim in the community and am often involved during crises as well.  I would like to know the panel’s opinion on having a doctor prescribe a fast-acting anti-anxiety medication such as Xanax or Klonopin for someone who is usually doing well but occasionally has severe bouts of anxiety? Some people have told me that just knowing they have that option, that the pills are there if they need them, can hel …

Keeping Up with the Joneses

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-03-15 12:03:19

Dear Therapist: Many years ago, we moved to what was then a quiet neighborhood. We were excited to live in a less developed part of town away from the hustle and bustle. Since then, a lot of other people have taken advantage of the large properties and built fancy houses here. While our neighbors are all wonderful people, the standard of living is very high, much different than when we moved in. We are starting to feel the pressure and as our kid …

Keep Up With the Joneses?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-09-12 11:54:50

Dear Therapist: I live in a neighborhood/community where there is a big emphasis on money. It is a young neighborhood where people are just starting work, and some are making serious money and throwing it around. So there has recently become this pressure to “keep up with the Joneses.” I have a salaried job and al pi derech hateva I am not going to become a millionaire any time soon. This was always ok with me, and I didn&rs …

Kallah Classes

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2020-03-31 12:57:25

Dear Therapist: Thank you for the invaluable awareness that you raise in our community. I have been in therapy to address anxiety. After much therapeutic work, I have become aware that I had been provided with misinformation in kallah classes that had negative effects on the health of my marriage. Upon further research in the mental health field and extensive consultations with rabbanim, I learned that this is unfortunately prevalent in our commu …

I've Never Made a Decision

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-11-17 12:59:37

Dear Therapist: Over the last few years, I have begun to realize that much of what I have done in life I did because other people told me to. I feel like I have never really made my decisions in life. The schools I went to, the career I chose, and even my marriage are all things that I asked others for advice and followed it. As I have realized this, I have become more and more confused as to what I really want and have started doubting everythin …

Israel Anxiety

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-09-06 15:31:37

Dear Therapist: My son is scheduled to go to Eretz Yisroel to learn next year. He had a difficult high school experience but has grown tremendously over the last 2 years. The yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel is a great opportunity for him to keep growing. He is, however, extremely nervous about the whole security situation. As I write this, Haniyeh ym"s was just killed and things again look like they could escalate. It's always back a …

Is Therapy a Dating Red Flag?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-01-19 15:34:31

Dear Therapist: I am dating a girl who disclosed to me that she has been seeing a therapist for the last year. She seems like a good girl and she said the things she went to therapy for are not significant. She gave me permission to speak directly with her therapist and signed a form allowing me to do so. My question/concern is how reliable will the information I get from the therapist be? Can you give me some advice on what type of questions to …

Is the Social Work Profession For Me?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-10-18 11:17:10

Dear Therapist: Thank you for taking your time each week for this column. I have found it to be very enlightening and educational. I am 33 years old and not finding fulfillment in my current occupation. I am considering going back to school to obtain a degree in social work. I have always been interested in helping people and people seem to gravitate to me when they need help solving a problem. I am curious as to what type of person you think mak …

Is My Wife Milking Her Illness?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-11-18 10:48:05

Dear Therapist: My wife was diagnosed with a serious illness a few years ago. While she was sick of course the entire focus of myself, our friends, and our extended families was to give her room and support and help her in every way possible. All we wanted was for her to able to be completely taken care of so that the only thing she needed to be busy with was getting better.  Meals, housekeeping, mother's helpers, and so much more were provi …

Is My Student Depressed?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-03-15 12:21:42

Dear Therapist: I am a teacher in a high school and am writing regarding a girl in one of my 11th grade classes. Some of the other staff think she should be sent for therapy because "she doesn't seem happy." She is a girl who is shy and introverted. I know her mother and she is also quite shy.  She has friends but is quiet in big groups. She does well in groups of 2 or 3. She isn't very happy in school because learning is a st …

Is My Son Hook(ah)ed?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-12-26 13:30:10

Dear Therapist: Our 16 year old son is a good kid but not really cut out for learning and struggles in yeshiva. Because of this we try and give him some extra space and don’t pressure him too much. We allow him and his friends to hang out in our house, on the porch, in the basement, etc. because we figure it’s better that we keep an eye on him. Recently he and his friends have taken up smoking hookah. We aren’t thrilled abo …

Is My Husband COVID-Phobic?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2020-10-23 08:27:56

Dear Therapist: My husband has been taking COVID very seriously. Although he is young and has no health conditions, he basically isolated completely for the first few months of the pandemic. He spends a lot of time online "researching" the illness and spends a lot of time discussing and analyzing it. At the end of the summer, when we had gone so long without seeing any serious illness, he started relaxing a little and going out (with a mask). He …

Is My Daughter Ruining Her Sister's Marriage?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-09-07 09:51:58

Dear Therapist: My daughter has just left for a year of seminary in Eretz Yisroel. I am concerned about the amount of time she is spending in her just married, shana reshona, sister’s house. She has only been in Yerushalayim the last few weeks but, by all accounts, she is spending way too much time there.  I know it's early but I want to deal with this before it becomes an issue. This doesn't seem to bother either of my daughters but I …

Is My Daughter-in-Law Spoiled?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-06-29 12:46:37

Dear Therapist: I am facing a dilemma and I am turning to you for advice. I am, baruch Hashem, a mother of many boys, most of whom are married. When I married off my sons, I bought their kallas basic standard gifts and jewelry. Most of my daughters-in-law were thrilled with the gifts I bought them. Some were happy with the gifts as they were and some went so far as to ask me if I could just leave …

Is My Daughter Addicted to Painkillers?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-02-07 10:32:37

Dear Therapist: I am writing regarding my 28-year-old daughter who has a slipped disc. She is in chronic pain and nothing seems to be working (PT, etc.). Surgery has been suggested but we are trying to avoid it because of the inherent risks. My husband and I are becoming more and more concerned about her use of pain medication. Some of the medicine she has been prescribed is highly addictive and we are concerned about her developing a real issue …

Is It Sympathy, Empathy, Or Secondary Trauma?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-02-13 14:53:11

Dear Therapist: As a teacher, I've noticed that some of my high school students seem to be experiencing the weight of their friends' struggles. There is a student in my tenth-grade class who is going through a very hard time. Her family situation at home isn't easy and she is showing signs of unhealthy eating habits. We are aware that this student is struggling, and we are working on finding ways to help her. Recently, I noticed that her best fri …

Is Financial Stress Hurting My Family?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-05-16 10:48:20

Dear Therapist: We have recently experienced some significant financial difficulties which require us to change our standards of living. Up until 4-5 months ago, we were living what most people would consider a wealthy lifestyle. The reasons for the downturn are not important but it has been very rough on us as a family. This has caused my husband a lot of stress and has impacted our marriage as well. We are also having a difficult time explainin …

Is Everything an Addiction?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-03-24 13:21:32

Dear Therapist: I would like to know the panel’s opinions regarding video games. I have heard that it is possible to become addicted to video games and I am not sure how this could be possible considering there is nothing the person is taking into their body like nicotine or alcohol. I understand that there are more productive ways that I can be spending my time but it seems that there is a tendency now to turn everything into an addiction. …

Is Anger a Primary Emotion?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-08-14 11:12:15

Dear Therapist: Our teenage son often loses his temper. He can get really worked up over seemingly silly things. Not just at home but even with his friends it has becoming something of a joke about how he can "lose it." He isn't violent c"v or anything like that and is mostly a pleasant nice kid but he can really go from 0-60 quickly sometimes. How do you advise we deal with him when he gets like this? Do we make a zero-tolerance policy …

Is ADHD Necessarily a Problem?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-05-19 12:37:34

Dear Therapist: My primary care physician recently told my husband that he thinks he has ADHD. My husband never had that diagnosis as a child, though I am not sure that means anything because he had a lot of different issues going on as a kid and that may have slipped through the cracks. Baruch Hashem he is doing fine now but has had trouble staying on track, specifically in work related areas. The doctor would like to prescribe him med …

Irresponsible Teenager; How Unusual!

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-06-29 13:07:46

Dear Therapist: I enjoy reading your column and value your insights. We are making a decision regarding whether to allow our 18-year-old son to be a counselor in camp this year. This is something he very much wants to do and there are aspects I think he will be good at it. However, he struggles a lot with responsibility throughout the year. He is notoriously unreliable, has trouble waking up in the morning, and you can't count on him for anything …

Involuntary Truancy

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-08-17 14:38:20

Dear Therapist: I am writing about a very painful matter that unfortunately other parents are struggling with as well. As I write this letter at the end of July my daughter does not yet have a high school for next year. I will leave aside the larger communal issue of children not getting into schools because I don’t think this is the forum for it but suffice it to say that she is an excellent girl with middos tovos and has ha …

Insomniac

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-07-18 08:42:03

Dear Therapist: I have a problem falling asleep so I take sleeping pills. They leave me feeling groggy throughout the day. My question, dear panelists, is: is it better to lie in bed awake until I’d fall asleep naturally, if ever, and be tired the next day, or to sleep with the pills and be tired the next day?   Response: As a non-prescriber, I cannot speak to the effects of various medications, whether over-the-counter or prescribed. …

Informal Therapy

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-11-18 08:32:37

Dear Therapist: I appreciate the tremendous service you provide to our community both in your practice and by clarifying and explaining so many mental health issues through this column. My daughter (age 13) was recently referred to therapy by her school principal due to concerns about her behavior. She insists my daughter must go in order to remain in school. My daughter is refusing to go. I am wondering if I can ask a therapist to meet my daught …

Inflated Ego or Self-Esteem?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-03-15 12:16:23

Dear Therapist: Thank you so much for your weekly column. I was wondering if you could explain the difference, as you see it, between self-confidence and gayva. Self-confidence is considered, certainly by psychologists, as a good thing while gayva is considered the worst of all middos. I understand that they are different but would be interested in hearing how you define the difference and at what point does something cross fr …

Infertility Depression

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-03-15 12:36:39

Dear Therapist: I have been married for a long while with no children. There is a possibility that we will never be able to have children. Recently I have been extremely depressed about it, although still functioning through daily life. I do not feel therapy can help such an awful emotional situation but my wife disagrees. Who does the panel side with?   Response: I’m sorry that you are going through this difficult situation. Unfortuna …

Inferiority Complex

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-12-20 12:29:19

Dear Therapist: I have many people in my life whom I feel have an inferiority complex and are in constant need of compliments and appreciation. Yet as much as I try I can't seem to fill their needs and they always feel I am under-appreciating their work. If they send me a cake for Shabbos I need to thank before, after, and once again. How do I feed their never satiated need for praise and compliments? It’s also very difficult for me to deal …

Inappropriate Touching and Safety

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-06-26 10:17:35

Dear Therapist: As we begin the season can you please share your general recommendations as to how parents should talk to their children about safety in the summer. Many parents (hopefully) know the basics, but I wonder if, based on your experiences, there are ways to discuss things that people don't know. Or maybe there are some things that people don't realize they should talk about with their kids.  I think this would be a public service …

Inappropriate Touching

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-03-15 12:12:54

Dear Therapist: Thank you so much for your informative column. Once again, the importance of being diligent regarding the emotional and physical safety of our children has been hammered home. I was hoping that based on your years of experience as clinicians you could offer some guidance and advice as to what we as parents and members of a community should do to best protect our children?   Response: It is indeed unfortunate—in fact tra …

I'm Socially Awkward...Or Am I?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-05-24 08:54:10

Dear Therapist: I know someone who has a sibling who is in his early 20's and is holding down a job. However, he is socially awkward and can really benefit from therapy. However, this person will get highly insulted after being told this and may resent the person who told him. How can he be told (by a relative or professional) that his behavior calls for therapy? Can it be said straight out? If so, how should it be done? On the other hand, is fin …

I'm Being Bullied on the Bus

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-10-25 14:12:11

Dear Therapist: I am an 8-year-old boy. There is an older boy who beats me up and bothers me every day on the bus. He is bigger than me and if I ignore him he just acts worse. There is nothing the Yeshiva can do because there is no teacher on the bus. I really worry about it a lot and I don't like going to school anymore (although it is true that I really like it once I get there). My parents said I can write to you to ask you for advice.   …

I Lost My Social Skills!

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-12-21 13:44:57

Dear Therapist: I have over the last few years lost my ability to socialize. I have always been a quiet person but I hung out with the friends I grew up with and that was enough. Now they have all gotten married and are busy with their families and I really have no relationships. When I am with people it’s not so much that I am afraid to talk; it’s just that for the life of me I can’t think of anything to say. Can you please rec …

I Lost My Ambition

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-03-01 13:03:43

Dear Therapist: I have never been the most ambitious guy but I have a decent job and make a living. What I find recently is that it is really hard for me to stay motivated. I’ll do ok for a few days and then (usually mid-week) I hit a wall and just can’t seem to push myself to get anything done. Initially I thought it would pass but it’s becoming a pattern that repeats itself. My life is actually pretty full so it’s not li …

I Hate My Job!

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-03-16 13:23:49

Dear Therapist: My husband has had a job in finance for around 15 years. He is very good at it and makes a nice living but it is a stressful job and he is under a lot of pressure. He has recently begun complaining a lot and is overwhelmed by work. He took off a few weeks recently and that helped, but only briefly. He is talking about changing careers but I don’t know why he suddenly can’t handle it. He says he just isn’t interes …

I Don't Get No Validation!

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-03-01 13:07:45

Dear Therapist: I live in a home that is not a healthy happy environment. I feel my parents have trouble providing for me emotionally. They are not abusive in any way, but I never received any validation, affection, healthy communication etc. growing up. I recently hit this stage where I woke up from a “bubble” and started realizing and processing how difficult the situation really is and how much I am lacking in my life as a result. …

I Don't Get No (Self) Respect!

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-07-11 12:23:48

Dear Therapist: I recently realized that I am never happy with myself. I used to think that if I learned well, did a good shidduch, was top of my class, and was successful, then I would finally feel worthwhile. I was recently complaining to a friend and he pointed out to me that objectively things are really good right now and if I feel so bad all the time, I should probably get help.  It was a bit jarring to me honestly. I am starting …

I Can't Stand my Mom's Criticism

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-03-27 11:40:57

Dear Therapist: I am a 20 something year old girl struggling with shidduchim and finding Mr. Right. In the meantime I am living at home with my parents and here lies the problem. My mother doesn't realize but she is singling me out for emotional mistreatment. Nothing I say, think, or wear is good enough. My opinions are too left wing, my clothing is too tight, this outfit doesn't make me look good. All day every day that's all I hear from her. I …

I Can't Confide in My Therapist

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-04-18 16:22:16

Dear Therapist: Thank you for your informative and interesting column. I've been in therapy for several months and still have a very hard time opening up to my therapist. I started seeing a therapist for anxiety and we've been working on other things as well, such as self-esteem. I did not have the support I needed in the past which contributes to my fear of judgment from her. This is an issue for me in general; not just in therapy. I don't find …

Hypnotherapy

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-05-16 10:42:40

Dear Therapist: What is the panel’s opinion and experience with hypnotherapy? Does hypnotherapy work? How about when regular therapy fails? I have heard that hypnosis works because it reaches your unconscious self vs traditional therapy which only works on a conscious level.   Response: Although I have had some training and experience with hypnotherapy, I’m certainly not an expert. I can speak generally, but I defer to those pane …

Hygiene Problems

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-12-07 11:00:22

Dear Therapist: Hi. The concern I am writing about is my almost 15-year-old son.  He is Boruch Hashem a masmid. However, his personal hygiene is lacking. I do not recall ever having had an issue with him regarding this matter when he was a child.  He showered, brushed his teeth and followed all the other norms regarding personal hygiene. I actually did try speaking to him about it a few times but he brushes me off.  I have stopped …

How To Lose Friends and Un-Influence People

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-02-13 14:58:06

Dear Therapist: I am 17 years old and in 12th grade, I have a friend that I have known since 2nd or 3rd grade and we're very close. But overtime I realized that I don't enjoy her presence as much and she is extremely clingy. She always sees everything negatively and overthinks everything, which makes it difficult to talk and confide in her. She constantly asks to sleepover and come hangout. Luckily, I have a job that ends late at n …

How to Lose Friends and Discourage People

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-05-08 09:50:24

Dear Therapist: I am a parent of a 9th grade girl in a large mainstream high school. She is trying to find her footing in a long lasting friendship and is starting to get to know a few girls. But because she is a very friendly girl, she is nice to the girls who aren't as socially gifted. The problem with this is when her friendliness gets in the way of spreading her wings, since these girls cling to her in an unhealthy way. While she doesn't …

How Involved Should I Be in My Son's Marriage?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-02-13 14:48:46

Dear Therapist: My son recently got married and I am a bit concerned about how he is treating his wife. It's nothing major but I see his immaturity and lack of awareness about living and thinking about someone else. Most people advise me to stay out of it and let them grow up together. I'm not so sure about that. I am worried about the damage that could be done to their relationship if I just let it go. I would appreciate hearing your opinions as …

How Do I Forgive?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-03-15 12:10:18

Dear Therapist: I was recently treated very hurtfully by a relative. This relative had known confidential information about me, and the way he treated me left me feeling betrayed, and I lost the trust in our relationship. This was especially painful as I had invested a lot in this relationship, and really wanted to be close with this family member. I would like to have a good relationship once again with him, but every time I think of him, I …

Homesickness...Bring Them Home Or Not?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-02-06 12:49:09

Dear Therapist: Our daughter went to seminary in Israel this year. This was something she had very much wanted and was looking forward to. Basically, since Succos she has been telling us how miserable she is and that she wants to come home. She is too old to be homesick and I’m not sure what is going on. She has never been the most independent girl but I didn’t think she would have such a problem there. The mechanchos in the seminary …

Homesickness

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-09-06 15:34:31

Dear Therapist: My 7th grade daughter is in sleepaway camp for the first time and is very homesick. Do you think it is better to try and talk to her by phone every day and send her packages etc.? Or is it better to just leave it and let her figure it out. Does calling her more than once a week actually make it worse or is this a good way to support her? What other recommendations would you have for dealing with homesickness? Thank you for yo …

Homelessness In Our Community

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-12-26 13:35:43

Dear Therapist: Recently a “nebach” has started frequenting our shul. He seems to be homeless, does not properly care for himself and clearly has serious psychological issues. He also talks to himself (or someone else that only he can see). Sometimes kids hang out around him, sometimes teasing him, but mostly he keeps to himself. Trying to get what he can at kiddush and shalosh seudos. I wonder how one can tell if …

Holocaust Anxiety

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-08-24 15:01:27

Dear Therapist: My 5th grade son recently came home from a friend’s house frightened and in tears. He was literally shaking. When I finally managed to calm him down he told me that his friend had been showing him books with pictures of the Holocaust. There were pictures of the mass graves, crematoria, and people being shot and hanged…including little children. My husband and I sat with him for a long time trying to reassure him and c …

Holidays in Isolation

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2020-03-31 13:29:58

Dear Therapist: We live out of town and do not get a chance to see much of our extended family that often. A highlight of our year is the Yomim Tovim where we travel to our children. The thought of being home all alone for Yom Tov is just so sad for me. Baruch Hashem I get along with my husband but I was so looking forward to Yom Tov with the delicious grandchildren. I know that there are people that are sick and that in comparison this is not su …

His Therapist, Her Therapist, Their Therapist

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-06-21 14:06:51

Dear Therapist: My wife and I began seeing a therapist a few months ago. After a few weeks the therapist suggested that my wife begin seeing a therapist by herself (in addition to together with me) to help her with her anxiety. Now our therapist has suggested that in addition I begin seeing another therapist to deal with some issues of my past. It's not like we started this because of a massive issue; we just had some things we needed to work on …

High School Isolation

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-05-15 11:36:30

Dear Therapist: I am 14 years old, in mesivta, and I have no friends. I never really fit in. I am not interested in sports and the things that other kids are into. I feel very lonely and spend most of my day reading. I have always been very shy and I am not comfortable talking to anyone. My parents are not nogeah to talk to. Please help me. Thank you.   Response: I’m sorry that you feel that you don’t fit in. It’s very iron …

Here a Diagnosis, There a Diagnosis, Everywhere a Diagnosis...

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-03-01 13:27:36

Dear Therapist: As there has been an increase in mental health awareness in the community I am noticing that people can be somewhat quick to point out what they believe are mental health issues in others. I see this particularly when it comes to personality disorders, more specifically Borderline Personality and Narcissistic Personality. I see these terms get thrown about and I am hoping you can clarify for the readership. Are personality disorde …

Helping Someone Who Doesn't Want Help

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-02-13 15:02:22

Dear Therapist: I have a brother who is very anxious but comes across as very cool and like he has it all together. When I finally convinced him to go for therapy, the therapist questioned whether he really needed therapy and took an approach of “it doesn’t seem to be causing too much dysfunction in your life.”  Those who know him know about the constant tension that he lives with and how much he is suffering. Yes, he is su …

Help Me Sleep!

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-03-01 20:18:25

Dear Therapist: I'm really enjoying your column, and I'd love to hear your take on my problem. I am eighteen and I've always suffered from anxiety, and in times of stress also insomnia, but since I graduated from school last year and started working it’s gotten a lot worse. These days, I barely sleep and I am constantly in a state of sleep deprivation and exhaustion. I've tried melatonin, but it doesn't really help much. It basically only m …

Headaches--Physical or Psychological?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2020-10-23 08:25:02

Dear Therapist: I am writing to ask for some clarification as to the extent that stress or other psychological issues can cause physical problems. Basically, I have not been feeling well for a while, mostly with very bad headaches. I have been to a doctor and a specialist who both are saying that there is nothing they can see that is wrong and it must be that I am stressed out. They suggested I go to counseling which I am looking into. I guess my …

Have Kids Become Less Responsible?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-12-14 12:35:55

Dear Therapist: Our 16 year old son was suffering from severe stomach pains. We took him to a specialist who basically said that he would have to make some small changes to his diet, and a follow a regimen every day, if he wanted to get better. In the beginning, he basically followed her instructions, but he started struggling with keeping to the regimen, and sure enough, the pain came back. Now he started following the instructions again, but so …

Has Depression Become a Catch-All?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-03-09 08:32:42

Dear Therapist: I was wondering what your opinion was regarding taking anti-depressants. I have been feeling extremely tired and fatigued recently and when I went to my doctor thinking I needed some blood work he prescribed me an anti-depressant. Is this an advisable course of treatment? Do you think it would be more beneficial for me to see a therapist in addition to, or perhaps instead of, medication?   Response: I’m not a psychiatri …

Hagbah Issues

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-03-16 13:19:33

Dear Therapist: I appreciate your column and insights and I would like to get your opinion on something that has been bothering me for a long time. I am afraid to do hagbah. I have only done it once in my life (with a really small Sefer Torah). I should be strong enough but I just have such a fear that I will drop the Sefer. I usually duck out of shul when it’s time for hagbah so that the gabbai won’t approach me. If I do get asked I …

Grief and Mourning

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-12-26 13:23:18

Dear Therapist: I am a 46-year-old woman and recently lost my mother, who I was so close with. I am getting on with my life but it has been hard and my moods have been up and down. Recently a friend told me that when she lost her father and was having a difficult time she was told by a close mentor that "sadness and self-pity are selfish and self-centered" and that in order to really heal she needed to focus on doing acts of kindness for other pe …

Grief and Dating

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-09-12 11:56:17

Dear Therapist: I am a teacher who has stepped in to offer support to a former student of mine who has recently lost her father. She is currently of shidduchim age and the family is anxious for her to begin dating. They feel that she should "move forward" and have been exerting significant pressure on her to begin. I was wondering if you can give me some guidelines as to when that would be considered healthy. I imagine it isn't just a time thing …

Graphology

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-03-27 11:59:06

Dear Therapist: I once used the services of a graphologist to gain some insight into myself and my challenges. I sent in my handwriting and a drawing, and I received a short reply with some advice, basically that I am living in a way that I exert myself very strongly, striving to force myself to be something I am not, and I must stop living with my illusions and focus on being myself and achieve according to my ability in order for me to be happ …

Glass Half Empty? Completely Empty?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-06-29 12:59:15

Dear Therapist: I feel like my life is like Murphy’s law. Whatever could go wrong has. I have trouble with parnassah, trouble with my health, and difficulty with my children. I have worked so hard on all these things but to no avail. At this point I would take just one of them being better. Things just seem really bleak, and they have been for a while. A therapist wouldn’t convince me that things are better than they are, and it …

Get Angry with Me!

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-11-18 08:28:18

Dear Therapist: As someone who has recently began mentoring struggling teens, I had a question that I hope you can shed light on. There is one very angry kid who comes from a difficult background, and he is not only tough in how he talks to others but also gets angry if someone talks to him in a nice and calm way. It is surprising that the kid seems to react better when someone talks down to him and is very direct, over someone who talks to him n …

Generational Resiliency

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-01-19 15:10:26

Dear Therapist: I'm in my low thirties and my oldest children are now in their early teens. Due to increased awareness and education, my friends and I focus on parenting with more positivity, empathy, validation, communication, and emotional awareness than the previous generation. Our parents expected more from us than we expect from our children, and we usually had to do what was right even if we didn't feel like it. Recently, I'm noticing a dis …

Generational Resilience

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-11-17 12:55:10

Dear Therapist: I'm in my low thirties and my oldest children are now in their early teens. Due to increased awareness and education, my friends and I focus on parenting with more positivity, empathy, validation, communication, and emotional awareness than the previous generation. Our parents expected more from us than we expect from our children, and we usually had to do what was right even if we didn't feel like it. Recently, I'm noticing a dis …

Generational Mental Health

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-05-17 13:13:27

Dear Therapist: I am wondering if you can help with the following question that I frequently wonder about. Why is there more of a need for therapists today than a generation or two ago? Somehow we managed fine in the past. I am not, chas v'shalom, against therapists, especially those who follow Da'as Torah. I am just seeking to understand.   Response: Your question is one that bothers many people.  It can be viewed from a theological, p …

Gaming and Addiction

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-03-01 13:01:33

Dear Therapist: I would like to know the panel’s opinions regarding video games. I have heard that it is possible to become addicted to video games and I am not sure how this could be possible considering there is nothing the person is taking into their body like nicotine or alcohol. I understand that there are more productive ways that I can be spending my time but it seems that there is a tendency now to turn everything into an addiction. …

Fractured Family

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2020-03-31 12:45:36

Dear Therapist: My husband and I recently became estranged from our daughter.  She is angry at us for what she perceives we have done her wrong. She was able to convince her brother, with whom we had good relations till then, that we are people who should be avoided. Both my daughter and my son forbade their children from having contact with me and my husband.  I used to have very close relationships with both families, and I am bereft …

Filling My Father's Shoes

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-05-11 11:41:46

Dear Therapist: My father, who was a very choshuve rov was recently niftar. I was asked (pushed) to take over his position. I have another position that I am very happy with but I feel that it is important for me to continue in his footsteps and keep the kehilla that he worked so hard to build alive. So, I accepted the request to take over and an announcement was made that I will take over in a few months. I have bee …

Fight-or-Flight and Compartmentalization

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-06-29 13:09:54

Dear Therapist: My family has gone through several major challenges over the past few years, including losing a close relative due to Covid as well as a series of other challenges. Now bh it seems that life has finally settled back to normal, but it feels hard for me to relax out of emergency mode because that's where I've been for so long. I feel like part of me is just waiting for the next challenge to arrive. How can I help myself get the …

Fear of Marriage

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-09-26 10:20:39

Dear Therapist: This might seem like a shidduch question, but I'm posing it here, as it dips into the mental health arena. In my experience with singles seeking to remarry, a barrier that presents itself repeatedly is fear. Many have had personal experiences of heartache and betrayal; they have experienced the pain of relationships falling apart. These experiences are a perfect breeding ground for fear to take hold, and possibly fester into a di …

Fear of Illness

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-07-18 09:17:35

Dear Therapist: I work as a social worker in a New York area hospital. I work closely with patients and families of some very sick people. I love what I do and wouldn't trade it for anything. Every year, around the same time (early summer) my anxiety about becoming ill really ratchets up. I have discussed this with supervisors and fellow clinicians and have come to understand this as being something that comes along with the territory of my job …

Father-Son Relationship

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-09-12 11:51:42

Dear Therapist: I am not much of a letter writing type of guy, but I will give it a shot. I have been hearing from my wife, and now from my son’s rebbe that I need to work more on developing a better relationship with my teenage son. It isn’t that we have a relationship, it’s that we just don’t seem to connect. I know I am not the most expressive person in the world and though that doesn’t seem to be a problem with m …

Faith and Depression

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-11-17 13:01:59

Dear Therapist: I was living a happy and fulfilling life as a busy wife and mom when out of nowhere darkness descended. I was diagnosed with clinical depression requiring medication. I’m in the midst of professional treatment and still struggling each day. My normally happy and meaningful avodas Hashem came to a sudden halt leaving me lost and confused.

My question is what is one afflicted with mental illness to do? The very to …

Everyone Thinks I should be Married...Aside from Me!

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-09-21 13:15:05

Dear Therapist: I am an older year old single bochur who is learning in yeshiva. I have been told I am picky, unable to make a commitment, lazy, unambitious and many other diagnoses and labels. Many people have suggested that I “speak to someone” (meaning a therapist) in order to resolve the major issues I must have if I am not married at the old age of 28. I think I have just not yet met the right person. Thoughts?   Response: Y …

Enough Therapy Already?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-11-06 16:04:55

Dear Therapist: Thank you for this forum and for your time and advice. Our son's school recommended that our 7-year-old be evaluated for behavioral issues at the end of last school year and that he may benefit from some extra help during summer vacation. We had him evaluated privately and paid privately for the sessions that he is receiving and b”H have seen improvement in his overall behavior and his ability to follow instru …

Engagement Anxiety

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-11-22 16:02:50

Dear Therapist: My son is engaged and has become very panicky about if he made the right decision. Initially we figured it was nerves but it has persisted. He can't really point out any major concerns about the girl but he also is very worried about getting married. More like he feels something is "missing." He acknowledges that he is very anxious but says that he doesn't know if that's just fear or his intuition telling him there is something wr …

Emotions "Inherited"

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-02-21 12:24:37

Dear Therapist: I am an adult and I have a problem. I get extremely impatient to the point of becoming highly aggravated when sitting at drawn-out events. For example, sitting at a Shabbos meal at a relative’s house gets me nervous if they extend it too long. Waiting at a doctor’s office or at a line in a supermarket can almost put me into a rage. I can't hang around too long at a wedding if I am not doing anything there. I am an adul …

Efficacy of Teletherapy

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-11-18 08:39:12

Dear Therapist: Some providers are doing much more therapy via teletherapy these days. While it started during the pandemic it still seems to have become more common even after things have opened up. I would appreciate if the panelists can share their perspectives on therapy effectiveness in this mode of communication. What are the pros and cons of Zoom therapy versus in person? Are there specific areas such as attachment styles etc. that are bet …

Eating Disorders in Men

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-03-01 12:55:47

Dear Therapist: Is an eating disorder something that primarily is an issue for women/girls? I am concerned about my teenage son’s eating habits. I try and get him to eat more but he doesn't want to. When is there a cause for concern and how can I get him to eat more?   Response: Treatment centers and resources for eating disorders do seem to cater more to women than to men. This may be due to various factors. Traditionally, social cult …

Eating Disorder Group Therapy

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2017-11-02 15:17:45

Dear Therapist: Our daughter unfortunately suffers from an eating disorder. One of the things the doctor is recommending is “group therapy”. We have a number of concerns regarding this. First off, the people in the group will, presumably, be just as sick or worse than she is. We don’t want her to get any ideas that she doesn’t have already. Secondly, we are worried that she will meet people there and people will find out a …

Duration of Therapy

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-06-16 10:19:41

Dear Therapist: I don't know if this is a fair question, and I am sure it varies greatly depending on the situation, but can you please give your opinion as to what the average length of time in therapy should be for someone? In my case specifically I am not referring to trauma or a serious mood disorder rather social and generalized anxiety (though please feel free to address other disorders as well). When I called around, I got very varied answ …

Dual Relationships and Expertise

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-01-19 15:25:41

Dear Therapist: I was advised to see a therapist for our son for a certain issue. When getting the referral we were told that a specific therapist is a mumcheh in this area. The issue is that he lives in our neighborhood and davens in our shul. We don’t really have anything to do with him personally but my son is very uncomfortable with the idea that he would bump into him. Our question is if you think this is a concern? …

Dreams and the Unconscious Mind

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-04-18 16:09:58

Dear Therapist: Ever since I can remember I have had disturbing dreams. Even now as an adult I find that I have these vivid nightmares almost every night. It’s gotten to a point where it’s kind of out of hand and I am wondering if this means something is wrong with me? Is there something I can do to make this stop? Would therapy help with something like this? I’d appreciate any guidance you could give me. Thanks.   Response …

Does Teenage Grieving Require Therapy?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-05-19 12:23:01

Dear Therapist: My daughter was encouraged by her principal to see a therapist.  She has been misbehaving in school recently, nothing serious really, but the principal suggested it. She has gone through a lot as my wife was niftar 4 years ago, though she says she is fine and doesn't really seem different than the other girls in her class. They are all a tough bunch.  I mean she is a teenage girl so who can really tell what sta …

Does Our Marriage Counselor Care?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2022-11-17 14:08:23

Dear Therapist: My spouse and I went for marriage counseling for a while for some issues with someone who seemed to be a very competent therapist. The therapist seemed to understand how to breakdown the issues and attempt to work on resolutions. However, some things didn't seem to be adding up right. For example, the therapist left off a few sessions at some very crucial points, leaving us feeling very vulnerable and with a lot of raw emotions ex …

Does My Son Have Asperger's?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-11-18 10:37:11

Dear Therapist: I am wondering if you can guide us where to turn regarding some challenges that we are having with my 7-year-old son.  While it is hard to write everything that we notice, he is basically having problems with friends.  For example, he has a hard time getting the concept that someone can play with him one day and then play with a different kid the next day. He also is very into trains and will talk about it as well as its …

Does My Brother Really Have Asperger's?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2023-06-29 12:56:14

Dear Therapist: Thank you so much for your informative column. I really enjoy it, especially as I am currently in school for social work. My younger brother was recently diagnosed with autism “spectrum” disorder. I think my parents always had a hard time with him and they seem relieved that they found a “name” for his issues. I am worried because I really don’t see that much that is wrong with him and I am concerned …

Does Mental Illness Exist?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-03-24 13:26:32

Dear Therapist: My sister has a difficult time with her 2 of her children. They are socially awkward, struggle in school and seem to me to be very anxious. Whenever they go through something difficult, she seems to quickly find a "medical" related reason why whatever is happening is happening. One time it's strep, one time PANDAS, or Lyme disease or whatever else. She runs around from doctor to doctor getting all sorts of treatments for them.&nbs …

Do You Know Who You Are?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2024-05-08 09:31:57

Dear Therapist: I was recently asked by a shadchan to write a detailed description of myself and I was surprised at how stuck I got. It was very hard for me to write about what's important to me, what my personality is like, and what I truly value, in a way that is anything other than cliche. I started thinking that there is something wrong with me that I can't do this. I think part of this is because there is a big difference between w …

Do Not Remove This Label...

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2021-03-01 13:30:06

Dear Therapist: A well-known educator recently spoke out strongly against "labeling" a child. Even if a child has a mental health issue and is receiving services, we must make sure he/she is not labeled. The remark struck a chord with me as 2 of my children are currently in therapy one for behavioral issues and one for anxiety. While the idea of not labeling a child sounds nice in theory, I am not sure how to put it in practice. At the end of the …

Do I Stunt My Kids' Independence?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2019-12-26 14:00:54

Dear Therapist: My children (aged 3 to 13) are bh very capable and responsible. For some reason, in my presence they become very needy. I find that I need to absent myself from the room for them to function adequately. For example, I'll serve supper and make sure everyone has what they need and then go do laundry. If I stay in the room, they'll be "Mommy, it’s not fair!" and " Mommy, I don't like this" the whole time. If I am not …

Do I need to Choose Between My Kids and my Brother?

Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

2018-08-09 09:21:26

Dear Therapist: My brother went through a very difficult tekufah as a teenager. There was a period of a few years when he was not at all frum. B'H he is doing much better now and continues to grow. He has always been welcome in my home and behaved appropriately around my children (his nephews). He is great with them, they love him and he adores them. As my children grow older I am becoming more concerned about his influence on them. He is not alw …

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