Elisheva Liss, LMFT
Subscribe to this blog to get the latest updates emailed to you
Subscription complete
Showing Results 40 - 80 (141 total)
Trouble in the Bedroom: Marital Sexual Problems and How We Can Help
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-01-06 12:29:16
Trouble in the Bedroom: Marital Sexual Problems and How We Can Help Every year around this time, I wonder if this will be the year I try and “do something about it.” These are the weeks we call Shovevim Tat, the weeks that some communities choose to focus on the area of sexual holiness and holy sexuality. Some will take the opportunity to discuss the pornography epidemic, others to double down on the nidda laws, and still other …
"I'm Not Attracted to my Spouse"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-02-11 04:01:54
“I’m Not Attracted to my Spouse” Raizy, a soft-spoken 24 year old graphic designer, shifted in her seat, hesitant to share her next words. I waited, while she formulated her thoughts. They eventually tumbled out as a poignant monologue: “My husband is a really good person. He does the right things for us to have a nice marriage- in bed and out. But the sad truth is, I’m just not so attracted to him. It’s …
Not Attracted to her Spouse: Part 2 Some Answers to Your Questions
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-02-19 10:38:36
Not Attracted to Her Spouse Part 2: Some Answers to Your Questions My recent blog post “I’m Not Attracted to my Spouse” has attracted significantly more views, shares, and responses in its first week than any of my other posts here so far. I am grateful to those who emailed or commented to say that it resonated as true and/or validated feelings for them. And I would like to address those who disagreed or raised other poi …
National Trauma: A Message from Zachor and Amalek
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-03-14 22:11:46
Trauma, Repression, and Obsession: A Lesson from Zachor and Amalek When terrible things happen, it’s natural to react intensely. It can be a tremendous challenge to move beyond the event and forward into “regular life”. Two extreme coping mechanisms include obsession and repression. Obsession is when our minds become preoccupied with the experience to the point where it takes up more brain space than we want it to, and in …
Choosing a Career: (Including My Own Story of How I Became a Therapist)
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-04-02 21:58:01
By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT In some ways, choosing a career path can be more confusing and overwhelming than ever before in human history. There are more options and access, and ever-evolving specialties, and subspecialties. But those options and the programs that train for them, are rapidly changing, often rendering previously secure and lucrative jobs obsolete, replaced by software, or outsourced to underpaid workers overseas. There is a col …
Hang in There Young Mamas- It Gets Easier
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-04-15 21:19:19
“Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. Just you wait!” warned the more experienced moms; their condescending tones wagging fingers of dread in my peaked, sleep-deprived face. Sheesh! I heard a lot of that when my children were young. Now, however, with the older ones launching and the youngest one already in middle school, and as someone who treats moms of all ages, I can confidently challenge that unintentionally obno …
Spousal Hygiene- An Awkward Problem
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-04-28 13:44:22
Spousal Hygiene… An Awkward Problem Shani prefaces her disclosure with discomfort: “This is not an easy thing to discuss. But it’s an issue for me. It has to do with cleanliness. I grew up in a home where we were expected to shower daily, brush our teeth morning and night, and generally clear up after ourselves. Besides that, we were taught to be aware of our natural body odors and use deodorant and mouthwash at least daily and …
Is Good Therapy Only for the Rich?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-05-09 04:50:32
An acquaintance recently asked me to recommend a suitable marriage counselor for her. I gave her the names of some trusted colleagues but warned her that they work in private practice, so it was going to cost. I also offered to look at the list of those who accept her insurance, to let her know if any names looked familiar. She opted to call the private names first. This friend and her husband are hard-working professionals, but they have signifi …
Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking: A Powerful Narrative Therapy Technique
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-05-13 14:50:08
Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking: A Transformative Three-Step Therapy Method for Addressing Inner Negativity Based on the book with this title Do you ever struggle with bad moods or low feelings? To some extent, negative emotions are a just part of being human. Almost everyone feels down sometimes- I know I do. Sometimes it can be mild or brief. Other times, when we wake up “on the wrong side of the bed” or encounter diffi …
"My High School Principal Nearly Destroyed Me"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-05-22 18:06:34
“My Principal Wouldn’t Let the Other Girls Talk to Me” A courageous letter from a girl who was deliberately ostracized, to the principal who nearly ruined her This post is being published on behalf of a specific client, at her request. This emotionally powerful, raw and honest note was written by a thoughtful, intelligent woman to her former high school principal. She wanted to share her feelings with this educator …
When Talmud Torah Becomes Avoda Zara
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-05-30 18:59:35
There are certain memorable moments from sessions past that stay with me in vivid detail. It was a couple’s intake session years ago, and the husband (who I quickly learned was abusive) turned to his wife, and calmly explained his perspective: “Even the Gemara backs me up on this: You have to do what I say because you are my property. I bought and own you- like a slave or an animal. You don’t have a will of your own.” With …
How Do You Take Your Torah?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-06-06 21:27:54
“I’m not sure if you’re interested or ready to hear this, but there is something I’d like to suggest, with your permission,” is something my clients hear often sessions. Advice is tricky. No matter how theoretically useful the recommendation I have might be, it is only of value if the listener is ready and interested in receiving it. If not, it is not only effectively worthless, but potentially harmful to the …
"Do You Ever Just Cuddle?" A Powerful Tip for Marital Inimacy Improvement
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-06-14 01:45:37
“Do You Ever Just Cuddle?” Yael’s arms are folded across her chest, and her legs tightly crossed as she describes her frustration: “I guess I’m just turned off from any kind of touch at this point- I don't trust it. Most days, it’s just business as usual, except on the nights when he wants sex. That’s when he’ll start trying to be all warm and cuddly, but it’s so obvious that he’s …
More Attempts to Reduce Abuse this Summer
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-06-20 11:37:17
Another Short but Critical Pre-camp Parental Safety Talk
By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT As we label the socks and pack up the duffels, we scan the emails about the “pre-camp safety talks” and try to arm our kids with a specific type of personal awareness. Our communities have, thankfully, been making progress in the area of educating children towards body boundaries, good vs inappropriate touch, reporting to safe adults, and ge …
Please DON'T Fake It Til You Make It
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-07-09 10:11:07
Several years ago, I had been invited to an event that also featured a talk for kallah teachers, giving by a woman who trains them. At the end, she entertained some questions from the audience. One young Rebbetzin raised her hand: “What should I tell a girl, who after 7-8 months of marriage is feeling no physical pleasure with her husband at all? She even finds the whole thing unpleasant..” A few other women looked up and nodded, thei …
Consent for Touch- Even With a Spouse
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-08-12 04:46:40
You know that feeling where you finish a conversation, and then a little later, mentally review it and wish you could go back and change your answer? I had one of those., recently. I was speaking at an event where the audience was invited to submit anonymous questions. One of the questions that was written in was one I’d heard before: “I would like to observe the niddah laws the way I was taught them- not touching at all during the ni …
When Av and Elul Trigger Depression and Anxiety and What We Can Do About It
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-08-23 11:54:26
Something I've been thinking about for awhile (like years) is how this time of year in the Jewish calendar, the months of Av and Elul, can be emotionally triggering for a lot of people. There is a two month emphasis on the heavier side of religious experience- loss, destruction, suffering, and then examining our deeds, reviewing our behavior, confessions, and doing repentance. The healthy version of this spiritual process, involves honoring the p …
Hey, Teachers- Your Students Have Issues...
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-08-29 13:25:17
A teacher in my neighborhood once called me to talk about some frustrating feedback she had gotten at work. Apparently, a parent had called the school to complain that this teacher had made a couple of comments that were insensitive to the fact that one student was going through an extenuatingly difficult life event. The teacher felt bad- she hadn’t realized this child was suffering. She told me that in trying to defend herself, she respond …
Ballad of the Secretly Burnt Out Kollel Wife
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-09-18 09:12:53
“I’m so happy and grateful- his Rebbe said he’s a meyuchad, a lamdan, really something special.” “I just want to do whatever is best for my husband’s learning.” “This is a good job for a working mom- it’s my privilege to support my husband’s Torah.” “As long as we can, we’re hoping long term.” “It’s a zechus for me, for our future children to have a ch …
When G-d as "Our Father" Conjures Nightmares Instead of Comfort
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-09-25 10:57:59
“I appreciate my Rabbi so much, and I wanted to be inspired by the drasha, but I couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying. All I kept hearing was the father analogy: ‘G-d is our Father. Every father loves his children! Fathers want to see their children succeed!’ He meant to imply that Hashem is close to us, and operates in our best interest, but for me, it just brought up the flashbacks and pain of my past that I’ …
"Why Should I Pray for Life When I Would Actually Prefer to Die?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-10-06 15:33:00
“This time of year is especially hard for me, but it’s actually always like this. I wake up in the morning, and I’m supposed to say ‘modeh ani’- thank you G-d, for giving me another day of life. And each day, when I open my eyes, that first short prayer is a struggle for me. I never asked to be born, and I don’t enjoy living. I try to do what I need to do, because I have responsibilities and people rely on me. …
"My Wife HATES Sex- What Should I do?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-10-16 10:53:35
My Wife Hates Sex- What Should I Do? Really glad you asked. It’s very painful for a man with a healthy libido to be in a marriage where he feels undesired and constantly rejected. Desire discrepancy can be an issue for any relationship, but when your partner never wants touch, there is often cumulative frustration and resentment on both ends. For many couples, sexual activity dates are few and far between, or even when the wives “agre …
Why It's Important to Teach Kids Accurate Names of Body Parts
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-12-05 06:40:13
Tzivi came home from preschool and told her mom that her Morah had gotten upset at her that day. “Morah said I used a bad word. But I didn’t know it was a bad word. We were playing a game and I sat down too fast. I yelled out: ‘ow! I hurt my tushy!’ and Morah called me out of the game and told everyone we’re not allowed to say bad words in school. But I told her in our house tushy isn’t a bad word.” Many …
Calling New Private Practice Therapists and Hopefuls
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2019-12-29 14:18:55
Therapists: This One’s For You… Are you a therapist who is hoping or trying to build a private practice? Therapists tend to be people who deeply want to help others. It’s literally called a “helping profession.” It’s a way to make a living while making a difference. And while most of us choose this line of work for primarily idealistic reasons, it’s not easy work. It’s gratifying, but often drainin …
The Problem of Religious Sexuality Education
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-02-02 13:28:33
As many of you know, one of the most important aspects of the work we do with couples and individuals, is treating the results and consequences of poor sexual education, as they manifest in adulthood. I don't treat kids or teens, but I've always wished parents had better resources for educating children in ways that would reduce some of the problems I see in my practice. I've lectured here and there on this topic, but I really wanted to create a …
Totally Grossed Out by Private Parts
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-02-03 17:33:41
Please Note: This post contains explicit content, is for mature readers only, and may be triggering for survivors of trauma. Fay and her husband, Alex, have a nice relationship- for the most part. They can share deeply and laugh together, support one another, and work out differences that arise respectfully and amicably. In the bedroom too, they enjoy cuddling and kissing. But when the foreplay gets more erotic, and especially when they become mo …
Better Prep for Wedding Night and Beyond
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-02-09 11:09:47
More Shovevim thoughts on enhancing marital intimacy: Something I have struggled with for a few years now is wanting to create and share more information for religious brides and grooms, more publicly than just with my private groups and clients. I actually have a document script for kallah teachers, that I have been editing slowly over the years, and sharing judiciously. But something held me back from posting it publicly- it's delicate, so cult …
A Simple Sexuality Education Message from The Megila
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-03-09 11:05:06
One year, when I went to shul for megila reading, I was a few minutes early, so I stopped to watch the adorable costumed children running around. I saw many little girls dressed up as princesses, fairies and brides, and most of the little boys were pirates, robbers, and ninjas. Not a prince in sight. A preschool version of the “shidduch crisis.” Of course, that was a joke, but the metaphor might fit… If you ask any Yeshiva grad …
The Benefits of Virtual Sessions
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-03-16 18:35:39
One of the many ripple effects of the coronavirus is that at this time when people need more emotional support than usual, mental health professionals have been advised to try and do our therapy sessions virtually, on video or phone, rather than live. This is causing some distress for clinicians and clients alike. Live sessions offer obvious advantages, such as the intangible energy in the room between two real humans, and the ambience of a profe …
Spiritual Encouragement For the Home Bound
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-03-18 10:06:16
A Homeschooling Thought For the Homebound at This Time Every year, around this time, I wonder why these two parshas are necessary. As it is, the amount of technical detail described in Terumah and Tetzaveh regarding the construction of the temporary sanctuary are difficult to relate to our personal lives. But then to rehash for another two sedras, could seem excessive.. At the moment, we are experiencing an unprecedented shut-down of commu …
Struggling With G-d in Turbulent Times
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-03-20 11:01:45
“These are the times that try men’s souls.” – Thomas Paine One of the many ripple effects of the current health crisis, is the challenge of faith. Many religious individuals are saying and writing sentiments to the effects of: “Now is when our love of G-d and His goodness will carry us through.” It’s where the more secularly inclined will take comfort in other ways. But what we are hearing from many who d …
How to Run Family Meetings
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-03-22 12:14:01
Family Think Tank Meetings So we find ourselves suddenly spending more time at home with our families than we ever have before. Trying to juggle parenting, schooling, extra meal prep and housework, working from home, and managing the ever-changing health crisis, with little knowledge or preparation. As parents, we often feel like we need to have clear answers and a definite plan when we’re honestly all learning as we go along. One tool that …
What To Teach Kids Right Now (and Always)
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-03-23 11:47:29
What if we covered a little less math, and instead teach kids what really counts. Less social studies, and more social skills. Less biology, and more health and wellness. Less chemistry and more communication. Less physics and more physical activity. Less literature and more loving kindness. Less political science, more personal growth. Less civics and government, and more social responsibility. Less computing and more compassion. Less language, …
Distance Learning During Coronavirus Crisis
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-03-23 18:33:00
I've been hearing from clients, colleagues, friends, and readers who are parents, and also from teachers, that they are struggling with the current schooling situation. With the new obligation to not only have kids around always, and enforce new strict health and distancing measures, but also comply with schools' attempts to translate classroom into distance learning. (It's not going great.) As a homeschooling family for several years, thi …
Don't Worry About Your Kids "Falling Behind"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-03-29 12:29:52
In the midst of all the other serious concerns of these Corona-days, we keep hearing from parents who are concerned about their kids “falling behind” in their schoolwork. This is sometimes fueled by (well-meaning but misguided) school-based educators, who are pressuring families to keep up with their modified “distance” version of classroom learning. For families who are doing well with that- remember to thank your teacher …
New Order of Priorities Now:
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-03-31 19:19:19
Medical Safety of Your Family and Everyone Else- Community and the General Public Basic Necessities: Food, Toiletries, Hygiene, Household Supplies Psychological Safety of Your Family and Anyone for Whom You’re Responsible Emotional Well-Being of Your Family et al. Functionality of Your Family- Systems that Work FOR YOU and Each Family Member Making Money- You Know, Like to Feed Your Family and Stuff Creative and Contributive Outlets Social …
Five (or Six) Stages of Corona-Grief
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-04-05 15:46:17
The 5 (or 6) Stages of Corona- Grief: By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT The famous “five stages of grief” were formulated and described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her books: On Death and Dying and On Grief and Grieving. The sixth was add by her colleague, David Kessler. Most experts agree that emotional experience is not uniform or linear, but highlighting some universal processes and what they feel like can be comforting and validating. I&rs …
Validation and Motivation: A Self-Help Sefira Thought
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-04-14 13:49:34
Validation and Motivation: From Tension to Intension When it comes to the self-help messages, I’ve noticed a split between two streams of thinking. One approach takes the tone of validation and grace: “It’s ok to not be ok. Just accept your feelings and allow things to just be. If all you did today was survive, that’s good enough.” The other takes the tone of a coach, or motivator: “We can do hard things. Chall …
This is NOT Homeschooling
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-04-21 08:16:25
Parents keep commenting to me: “Wow- this is so hard! I don’t know how you do this all the time.” And I answer: “We don’t. We homeschool. It’s a totally different thing than what’s happening here.” Families who are trying to meet the Corona-induced demands of “regular” schools while quarantined at home (and trying to work) are not homeschooling. I’ve been calling it “school-h …
Thoughts about Post Trauma, Yom HaSho'ah and Yom Ha'Atzma'ut
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-04-29 11:25:19
I’ve been thinking a lot about trauma lately. Trauma was always one topic I’ve never claimed to know much about, one presenting issue I’ve never wanted to treat, and always tended to refer out. But when you specialize in sexual dysfunction, and in a broader sense, when you deal with human beings, trauma is kind of hard to avoid. It’s understandable why many of us- therapists and others, don’t really like to touch tra …
Announcements
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-04-30 11:23:02
Hi, blog-reading friends! Some of you may have noticed that I have been going more digital lately- course creation, writing a lot more, and producing a lot more content on social media. I've been trying get a little more organized about it, and so I have a couple of new projects going on : 1. I hope to start sending out a weekly newsletter. This content will be a little different from the blog; a little more personal and geared to my own sp …
What if I Can't Climax?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-05-07 16:39:59
The phone rang, and a shy-sounding young woman introduced herself. “Hi. I’m not really sure if I need therapy. Could I tell you my issue, and you tell me if it’s ‘normal’?” (Too many people are worried about being ‘normal’ which is overrated, but that’s for another post.) “Sure,” I say. (I can be agreeable like that sometimes.) “Well, I got married a few months ago. We …
Calling Overwhelmed Moms...
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-05-10 17:45:15
Some readers may have noticed that I've been writing and speaking way more than usual here, and on social media, about topics like parenting, education, and homeschooling, due to the current global situation. I have been getting many private emails and messages, with questions about those topics, and I can't get to all of them. I wanted to figure out a way to streamline some of this parent support through the remainder of this academic year, and …
Are You Starting to Lose it?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-05-14 16:22:57
Are you struggling to maintain your sense of equilibrium while trying to navigate all the new demands and realities of the COVID19 crisis? Many people seem to be reporting a variety of challenges, so if you are, you’re very much not alone. Therapists are trying to share whatever knowledge we have about encouraging people to especially attend to our personal needs and psychological well-being. Taking care of yourself is a worthy goal in its …
I don't want to be a statistic!
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-05-21 08:21:47
What’s the deal with humans as numbers? In my years at college and grad school, I was a pretty good student, but I did fail one course: statistics. (I passed it the second time around. My degrees are legit:) I didn’t fail because it was so hard (although it didn’t come naturally to my non-mathy brain.) I failed it because it was so dang boring to me, that I didn’t even put in the effort to learn it well enough. To this day …
Racism and Rus-ism: Discrimination and Jewish Education
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-05-28 08:30:46
Do you send your children to Yeshivas? If so, do you feel they get enough education about how to think about and interact with people who are different from them- religiously, socio-economically, and racially? I’m not asking because I know for sure whether they do- schools are all different and have their own priorities. I’m asking because as parents, I think it’s an important question to consider. Once again, more disturbing in …
What if You Cheated on Your Spouse?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-06-04 19:53:37
Infidelity Dilemma The following story was shared with me by an acquaintance who: Is not a therapy client of mine Specifically asked me to publicize the story, for reasons that will become clear Is not identifiable due to changed details Aviva finds herself in a painfully difficult situation. She did something wrong and she’s feeling awful. First: some background: Aviva is a 32 year old wife, mom, and teacher. She loves her husband and ch …
Preparing to Reopen a Post-trauma World
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-06-08 12:16:24
Well- it seems like it's finally happening; after all these surreal days and weeks and months. But how do we prepare for a post-traumatic stress-flavored world? With all the talk about reopening, we still find ourselves just as torn and conflicted as we’ve been for the past three months. (With an ideological civil war to ice the cake on the Pandemic.) The only consistent theme of this COVID19 era is perhaps the inconsistency of it. The lack …
No Camp?! What Are We Supposed to Do??
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-06-21 17:22:27
Are you one of the many parents who thought they were finally going to get a much-needed break from 24/7 parenting by sending your kids to summer programs, only to find out that now you’re not? Families are scrambling and pivoting plans each day, as the news from the summer programs trickles out and keeps changing. In case this all hasn’t been stressful enough. Last week, I was excited to pre-launch my Intro to Homeschooling course, w …
Defunding the Police with Korach
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-06-25 14:16:19
When Korach Tried to Defund the Police As a kid, I remember secretly identifying with Korach’s thinking. Didn’t he just want equality? A place at the table? Was that so bad? Who decides who gets to be in charge? Why can’t there be committees and dialogue about roles? Even to this day, there is a part of me that bucks against authority, rules, and structured hierarchy. In middle school, we once had one of those situations where …
"I Used to Rape My Wife
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-07-03 13:48:45
Gittel and Shuey have been married for almost 10 years. They get along fairly well, and are kept busy with their three little ones and their demanding jobs. They’ve come to discuss the ostensible problem of Gittel’s low libido. “I don’t know what we’re doing wrong,” Shuey began. “I try different ways to give her pleasure, but she just doesn’t seem to be able to enjoy. Her body doesn&rsq …
I am a Jew, and Here Are My Plans for World Domination
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-07-19 23:38:45
Much to my people’s chagrin, we have finally been outed as the nefarious villains that we are. I feel the safest course of action is to just come forward and confess. Our grandiose schemes aim for diabolical goals such as world peace, healing the sick, and feeding the poor. My own agenda for world domination begins with education. I believe in trying to brainwash innocent people across the world into learni …
Our Broken Homes: Pornography in the Holy of Holies
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-07-29 18:42:09
This week, we sit shiva for our shattered world. This week we mourn our broken homes. Our temple was destroyed, and even now we continue to watch the walls burn around us. The Churban didn’t just happen millennia ago, but we are taught by Chazal that the damage is ongoing. Hatred, strife, and ignorance fan the flames of destruction, pain, abandonment, and abuse. We don’t see the fire and violence engulfing the actual Temple tod …
How Do I Get My Partner to Come to Therapy?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-08-12 12:37:25
Do you want to work on your relationship in therapy, but have a partner who just doesn’t want to go? Well, you’re not alone. This is a super common and frustrating problem. The bad news: You can’t generally “make” people want to go to therapy, and even if you technically get them in the door, it’s really, really, hard to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. The good news: You may have …
Thinking about Homeschooling in 11th Hour?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-08-19 10:51:50
Hey, parents! How are you holding up?? With schools scrambling to formulate and convey their plans to reopen, many parents find themselves faced with the mixed blessing dilemma of choice. Do you send your kids to school in masks and small group capsules, with modified schedules, and stressed out teachers, everything unknown and uncertain as to protocols and risks? Do you opt for the zoom-schooling, distance learning improv that was sampled last y …
When Therapists Want to Share Personal Stuff
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-08-31 06:47:36
For those of you who have been reading this blog for a while, you may have noticed that while I occasionally share examples from my own experiences, there is very little here about the personal details of my life. Part of the professional training that we undergo as part of our education, is the importance of boundaries. In a therapy session, the dialogue is supposed to be focused solely on the client and for the client. Any self-disclosure on th …
Dealing with Overwhelm Right Now
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-09-09 08:09:46
It’s September/ Elul, and children everywhere are yanking out their uniforms, knapsacks, paperwork, and supplies, packing up lunches and snacks, and getting ready to rejoin the classroom scene. Hustling out to the bus stop, or listening out for the carpool honk, or hopping on bikes, rushing to be on time for the morning bell. “Bye! Love you- have a great day; learn well!” (One of my favorite aspects of homeschooling is no longer …
Unsent Letter to my Orthodox Client before Rosh HaShana
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-09-14 11:54:39
Dear _____, Well, it’s been quite a year. At this time, we have a custom to take interpersonal stock and make amends. Thank you for entrusting me with your thoughts, feelings, and goals. It’s a privilege to work with you. I believe and hope we are accomplishing. Going to therapy involves courage and vulnerability, and I try to honor that, and treat it with care. But I’m a fallible human, and I need to apologize- for the t …
"How Do I Forgive the Teacher Who Hurt My Child?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-09-17 11:31:49
“Every year, I struggle with this, when the Yomim Nora’im come around. I want G-d to forgive my misdeeds, so I need to forgive others. And I really try to. If someone owes me money or hurt my feelings, I can really let it go. I’m not a spiteful person; I don’t’ have enemies. But there’s this one thing. My daughter’s teacher in high school- a Rabbi, by title, said and did awful things- not just to her. We …
Surviving Yom Tov Family Drama
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-09-30 12:21:58
Hi:) It looks like we're going to have the quietest Sukkos we've ever had, here in the Liss house; hoping that next year we can safely host extended family as we usually do. But for those who might be getting together with relatives, kosher.com invited me to write this piece pre-empting some of the common issues that arise during this busy chagim get-togethers, so I wanted to share it here as well: https://www.kosher.com/lifestyle/10-tips-for-sur …
The Clouds of Glory as a Message of Moderation
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-10-07 07:45:57
The more I know, the less I know. Do you relate to this? I sometimes look back at words I wrote with such conviction when I was younger, and realize now that either I no longer agree with my hot-headed earlier self, or I see the issue with more complexity and nuance. Age, in many ways, sharpens my perspectives while softening my rough edges. The Torah describes how in the desert, G-d led the Jews with a pillar of fire at night, and a pillar of cl …
It's all hevel... what?
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-10-08 19:34:29
What’s the point of life? People actually google this; we are so desperately seeking meaning and truth. (Sometimes. Sometimes we seek ice cream and area rugs.) The book of Ecclesiastes, Koheleth, which we have the practice to read during the Sukkoth holiday, chronicles how King Solomon, Shlomo, grappled with this question. A running theme of the book is the phrase: “hakol hevel”- all is ‘hevel.’ But what is “he …
Two Feelings: A Covid Perspective
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-10-16 09:19:51
When my oldest was two years old, he attended a half day playgroup. One day, while walking him to “school” he told me that he was having “two feelings.” “One feeling is I’m sad that I’m not gonna have my mommy while I’m in school. And the other feeling is that I’m happy when I play with my friends.” I was blown away by his innocent, honest ability to express what even I, as an adult, hav …
A Separation Is Not Necessarily Step One to a Divorce
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-10-18 12:03:34
Couples therapy is intense work. Back in grad school, I had a professor say: “We’re not in the business of saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.” At the time, I was young, arrogant, and naively idealistic, and I thought: “Well, I’m hoping to save marriages.” After years on the job, I’ve learned that he was right. While thankfully, most of the time, we do help clients save their …
"Am I Normal?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-11-28 21:48:10
At the root of so many people’s questions, doubts, insecurities and fears, lies this niggling question: Am I normal? And it shows up in a variety of permutations: Is this normal? My history? My family? My thoughts, feelings, relationships? And buried even deeper than that for many is the alternative: “Am I abnormal? Dysfunctional? Crazy?&r …
"How Often Are You Supposed to 'Be Intimate'?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-12-02 13:45:33
Have you ever wondered how often people have sex?
(I purposely used the nebulously awkward euphemism “be intimate” in the title because generally people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may also say: “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.”) In my line of work, I get this question a lot, be …
Why Do Some Clients "Do Better" in Therapy than Others? Seven Factors Satiisfied Clients Share
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-12-09 11:08:25
Have you ever noticed that some people will swear that therapy totally changed their lives for the better, and others will say they’ve tried repeatedly and gotten nowhere? Still others will say they don’t even believe in the idea of it- that it’s just a waste of time and money. It could be just a case of “strokes and folks,” but I think there might be a little more to it than that in some cases. &nbs …
"My Husband's 'zera l'vatala' Will Be My Fault"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2020-12-10 14:38:28
*Trigger warning: This post touches on the topic of sexual trauma. Proceed with caution.* “I was taught that my husband’s purity and holiness are basically my responsibility. As long as we can ‘be together,’ that saves him from sin. And if we’re not, then I’m guilty,” she explains tearfully. “It feels like my job as a wife to be there for him that way.” His facial expression implies that his i …
Talking About Marital Consent and Rape with Bracha Bard Wigdor
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-01-14 17:05:17
Confronting the Less Popular Sexual Sins: A Shovavim Plea Sexual sins are possibly the most interesting of sins. There are few transgressions more titillating, more shamed, and more taboo than those having to do with succumbing to desires of the flesh. During this time of the Jewish calendar, some communities have a custom to focus on atoning for sins in the realm of sexual immorality. Some examples I’ve heard are reviewing th …
New Monthly Virtual Group Sessions
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-01-27 13:09:43
What do you call something that's not exactly therapy, not exactly a course, not exactly a support group, but kind of has elements of all three?
This isn't a joke with a punchline. I don't actually know what you call it, but I think I'm starting one anyway. Here's the truth about what's been going on: The last few months, I've been fielding more messages and calls than I can responsibly handle in the way of questions, new clients and …
"Why Won't My Wife Dress Up For Me?"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-03-09 16:27:21
Some men say it with embarrassment, others with indignation or frustration, and still others in defeat: “I’m not trying to be demanding or controlling. But I really wish my wife would dress up for me once in a while. When we go out, in our bedroom, or just the way she presents herself in general. It’s not that I don’t think she’s naturally pretty- she really is and I tell her so. But I know a lot of women …
"I Was Molested by my Brother but Neither of Us Knew It"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-03-17 18:35:35
Trigger Warning: This post contains sensitive content about child sexual abuse. *Like all vignettes featured in this blog, it reflects not one specific true story, but a disguised amalgam of too many. It changes any potentially identifying information but preserves clinically relevant details.* “I know this might sound strange. But we were kids. We were pretty sheltered- no TV or internet in our house, hardly any newspa …
How a Chacham Becomes a Rasha: Some Thoughts About Questions
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-03-25 06:06:34
How a Chacham Becomes a Rasha: Some Thoughts about Questions A few years ago, I was speaking with a high school student who was struggling with her faith. She told me that she’d learned some material in her Halacha class that upset her. When she shared it with me, I had to admit that I’d never heard of it before, and encouraged her to ask her teacher for sources, so she could at least research and try to understand the basis fo …
Child Sexual Safety Education Awareness
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-04-15 11:10:39
Every so often, I meet a colleague who offers the opportunity to collaborate in a way that aligns perfectly with my own mission and values. Blimie Heller, and her beautiful approach, Unconditional Parenting, is one such colleague. In this conversation, we tackle the vital topic of child sexual safety education in a way that is practical, culturally sensitive, and easily applicable to most families. Enjoy this free video resource: https://www.inst …
Why Saying "Divorce is Not an Option" Can Hurt Marriages
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-04-30 07:44:48
Were you taught to believe that “divorce” is a curse word? That we don’t even say the “d” word? When I was a young, idealistic grad school student, a professor told us: “We are not in the business of saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.” At the time, I (arrogantly) thought: “Well, maybe those are your values. I want to save marriages.” I stil …
Fighting About Having a Baby
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-06-04 13:34:05
It's the very first mitzvah in the Torah. And for some, it's very straightforward: Get married, start a family, don't stop until your body does. But for those who believe in the option to practice birth control, whether autonomously or in consultation with a posek, important questions arise: How do you decide when to start trying for a baby? How many kids should we have? When do we stop having ki …
Broken Tablets, Broken Hearts
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-06-27 16:06:51
A few years ago, I got a call from a mother, distraught over something that was happening at her kids’ school. Her 12 year old daughter was in avelus, and the school had told her that she needed to wait in the office, while her grade practiced for a music and dance performance. The girl felt like she was being punished for being in mourning and was devastated. The mom asked me to call the school and speak with them. I called the scho …
"Don't even TOUCH it-" How making fake rules can lead to disaster: A Chinuch Message
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-10-01 11:09:38
“I think it was the earrings that were the final straw for me.” The young woman is explaining to me how she went from being a scrupulously rule-following Bais Yaakov high school junior, to the 19 year old who’d lost track of how many men with whom she’s slept. “The earrings?” I repeated. “Yeah. My high school principal came up to me after davening one day, and told me that my earrings weren’t tniyus …
Religiously Stuck Husband
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2021-12-18 22:38:26
This originally appeared in a Five Towns Jewish Times column: Dear Elisheva, I can’t decide whether my problem is marital or personal- probably both, but here it is. My wife and I both grew up religious. We were on pretty much the same page when we got married. But over the years, my feelings and opinions have slowly been changing. I’m looking at our community, our lifestyles, and the kids’ schools from different angles, …
The Problem with Labeling Pedophilia as a "Sickness"
Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
2022-01-04 04:31:32
Yitzi’s parents really thought they’d taught him enough: “No one is allowed to touch you in parts of your body covered by a bathing suit. Most people are good and safe, but there are some other sick people out there who like to hurt children, and do bad things, so if they try to do that, you should run away and tell someone you trust.” They checked off the sexual safety education box and thought he was now “safe.&rdq …